A Study: Is Not

Nothing is quite as brain-emptying as a blank page, an empty space begging to be filled all the while siphoning every inkling of a thought that may be escaping your mind. The black hole, it is thought, produces a great amount of light but so strong is its power of attraction that none of it escapes. The white void, the plain canvas, holds in its vast lands the rich earth needed for the fruit of knowledge. The black ink, the painted pixel, is the sowing of every image as it is placed rightly, neatly on. This meeting of the poles, this encounter of opposites, the linking of the line that makes a loop and every instant of this traversal: what stripe, what checker, what shadow that light in breaking makes again. Every color divided, united is both and neither in contradictory equality and every oxymoron takes place on this black and white. The very void that void created in its absence found itself.

party music

blue star dance quick
lose love sing stop

pause now think drop
feel shake spin slick

take shape twin fates
light smoke loud sound

go fast trade sides
dip jump step turn

bounce leap flip flop
green beam freeze frame

flash quake boom shock
wave pound crash rock

slow now low ground
look swift sense shift

rise twist bend break
sweat drink smile stay

From When All Was Said

There it was, in shambles. "What a pitiable sight" - the rest considered, under a collective heavy sigh that repeated with each breath. Laid out on a flat surface were the remains, one can only imagine, of what once must have been something grandiose. Dripping from all sides was every liquid substance found within the body that was now tattered, worn and torn in gruesome fashion."To think that is what will come of us all" - they wept and swore in an ache of aeons borne. This fate not sought, they thought, would descend upon them one by one until each surely lay broken thus. "Not so" - thought one in empty hopes and accidental irony. A knot in the stomach at each reeling glimpse and there among the wreck, the weak stitches of fiber sewn by the trembling hands of the witness. It would not help, in the end.

A light, cold and sterile, as heartless as it was bright shone abruptly on the scene, rendering what was previously faintly horrid now endlessly grim and stark. Every nuanced color of destruction was now clearly detailed; each hue transforming from fear to rage and loathing. "This is not justice" - booms a furious elder. Speech, until that day strictly prohibited, now claimed and true by the brave one. "Where is the voice of the speaker?" - another's voice cracked as he held out in the cruel light an object of worth unfathomable. A small sphere, mistakenly clear for it was in fact of the slightest tint of blue. Held up to the cruel light it was at once impossible to stand. The crowd, one by one in a slow fit, fell, eyes blank and the light and sphere vanished.

Dim at first and then richer and deeper, and without notice, the orange glow is now a sunset in reverse. The celestial sphere, burning in warm colors, unveiled in an instant the state of the fallen. From the core of that wretched form came every groan and glory and what once was the shedding of all life, now a wildfire as thick as stone quickened with heat. The eyes of the mourners, never closed, left behind the gray shade and now in every color found a new strength. Every voice rose from a tremulous whisper until the ground shook in resonance. And in echoes the voice ringing truest uttered a timeless word "Speak. We are forevermore."

Of the Trunk and the Branches

With the NA release of Final Fantasy XIII-2 around the corner, there's been a lot of talk about it and FFXIII lately. One such post I saw recently talked about "what went wrong with FFXIII." The biggest point the author discussed was that of its "overly" linear nature. What he means by that, unless I'm mistaken, is that there didn't seem to be much freedom to decide where to go. Now, I have to agree that for most of FFXIII this was indeed the case - most of the maps had very few branching paths and even when they did branch off it was just for a fight and a treasure chest. This is definitely a far cry from the (here he goes again) overworlds from Final Fantasies of old where, once you left the initial town/village/city you started in you could virtually go anywhere, or so it seemed. Naturally there were limits to where you could go in order for there to be a logical succession to the story but you could still walk around and battle here and there and just see how far you could go. It was really easy to just lose yourself in there. But, although that sense of exploration is unmistakably diminished  (if not altogether lost) with the degree of linearity maps in 13 had, I wonder how much of a negative impact that has on the game's storyline.

The Urge to Scream

shush
the wilderness hears whispers better than screams
white noise, white fog, white bark, white lights
yet despite it all
a fathomless depth, a dark maw swallowed us
why venture forth?
shush
it's not a race. There is no winner
we wouldn't have come without a promised prize
much too much glitters in such darkness
reflective spheres in a circular perimeter
it's not that we were followed
shush
reverence in the throne room
these drapes: vine entwined
columns in rows, thick, resonant, alive
the marbled floor in mud and small bright pools
the regal seating, roots in ascension
shush
the dead flowers wake
their sleep a ruse for the thieves
bleeding from the thorns
the mantle's weight and color: heft, scarlet
entrance and rest, a heaving thump and toothy grin
call
bow, mercy, compromise
war bursts forth instead
shrill sounds in a sudden mania
the whole wood stirs
don that mantle, wash those hands

Nostalgia Fought the Future and We All Lost

Oh. Man. Time to rant! (tl;dr at the end of the post!!!)

So, I just finished Final Fantasy XIII-2 (Final Fantasy shortened to FF hereafter) and *sorta kind not really a spoiler* the ending disappointed me to be honest. Now, that's not what I want to rant about. One of the things I'd love to rant about is how mean the commenting community in Kotaku is, but that's a story for a different day. It's not too far removed from the sort of inane vitriol spouted by a lot of the internet at large but it is generally venomous and drives me to ire 9 out of the 10 times I attempt to read any of it. However, that's also not what I want to rant about (wait, I think I just did, doh!) So I read this article after seeing its video and then read some of the comments. What caused me to go on this rant is this line by the first featured comment:

"Just bring on Versus already. Please. I'm begging you. X_x"

Hello, 2012

Quick note, coz apparently I can't stop posting on my blog all of a sudden. Yeah, it's just weird that it's already been 4 days into the new year. It might feel that way, in part because I've only really left my apartment a handful of times. Anyway, work starts back up tomorrow and as much as I love vacation, some human interaction and just being at work in general, I'm sure, will feel pretty good. I suppose, all I really wanna say is, I hope 2012 is a great year. There's a fairly good chance this'll be my first full year in Japan. We'll see how that goes.

(here's where I get a little ethereal)

Living can be pretty easy sometimes. Course, on the other hand, it's never easy. The balance that we like to call normal is really just the x axis on this sine wave we're all riding. Every time we think we're getting close to it it's just to overshoot it and keep being abnormal. I think, I always want to make the best of when I'm in -y and to really appreciate when I'm in +y - to continue the sine wave metaphor. I don't know, obviously, all that 2012 has in store for me. Every day has its troubles, but time doesn't stop. Before our eyes moments become minutes become days, then weeks, months and just like that another year's past. I honestly don't think "the world will end" in 2012. I do think it'll end, as all things in this life do, but I don't think anyone alive on the planet right now will come to see it. That said, I do see the virtue in living with the thought of finality in mind. Not so that it saddens us but so that it moves us; so that it drives us to cherish life and all that comes with.

I wanna greet 2012 with a good, firm handshake and spend it so that at its end it may initiate the goodbye hug, missing me as I shake hands with 2013.

the duplicate nature of all that is

risen with intention, again the forceful fit
the hammer, heavy and slow at the zenith
swiftly, with a mighty blow, descends and strikes
and changes the form of it

that which dully bends at ease
from fires igniting its amber glow
as tho the tempered metal raged
with a soul that coolly knew its lot

there is science in the process (chains and bonds)
progress guiding unseen forces (strength and weakness)
but from the smith this is shrouded
he cannot see but the manifold light

the pounding clash is a heavy pain
from the burning sheet fly a hundred fire-starters
the resounding clang is a heady tone
in stillness its voice will still be heard

the echoes that, from the future, race
backwards in time, bouncing off the armor
the possibilities this tool bears at its creation
the purpose dripping off its length

now water, now steam - the fires stilled
the soul chilled in a violent restraint
they meet in a shallow gasp and hiss
hints of the heavy price paid in blood

all the secrets hidden in this blade
revealed in its flying through the wind
cutting all, nothing is safe, in rest stirring
torn is flesh, blood, bone, soul, spirit

2011: A Recap (part 2)

2011: Part 2 – Japan

OK guys, how we doin’? Need a break? We’re halfway there now! Don’t worry though, I think the second half may not take as long.
            I’ve already covered a lot of August in the two posts called Japan: A Beginning so I won’t go into much detail so as to not repeat myself. And for Pete’s sake those are a pair of really long posts in and of themselves! Long story short: Tokyo orientation for 4 days was insane, jet-laggie, earthquaky and before I knew it I was already in Oda. After that: few weeks reading, playing games, being hot and sweaty, relaxing and unwinding from the whirlwind of the preceding few weeks. Finally: Shimane orientation where I met many of the crazy bunch of people I live close to and often enjoy drinks/jokes/singing/dancing with. Oh yeah, I got my phone right before orientation and with it a window back into the internet. I missed it so!
            September is when school and my life in Japan began proper. Did a speech in Japanese at opening ceremony, started doing classes with the teachers, sports festival and the following welcoming party was a blast and I met and started to get to know most of the people that are now a huge part of my life. That is, the crazy Oda crew, the teachers at Ni-chuu, surrounding town JETs and last but most definitely not least, the student body at school; gotta love those kids, even the ones that don’t give a quarter of a rat’s fuzzy bottom about English. School is interesting, everything is new, some students are funny, others are difficult, some are undetectable, the teachers are great fun to be around and they make me wish I was already fluent at Japanese so I could also joke around with them. I’m workin’ on it!
            The remaining months of the year go by in much the same manner as September, really. Still just teaching and generally enjoying my time in great amounts. In October I’m starting to feel a little more comfortable with Oda, school life and life in Japan in general. It began to sink it that I’m really going to be here for a while all the while time just flying by faster than I can even fathom. Honestly, it feels like sports day was just the other day but it was actually 4 months ago! In October the kids had culture festival, which was also a lot of fun! Each homeroom chose a song and they practiced and practiced and practiced it for the chorus competition that takes place at the culture festival.
            By the time November rolled around there were still some schools I hadn’t visited, namely the elementary school I visit a few times per semester. I finally got to go to it around mid-November and it was great. While in junior high, it’s sometimes hard to get the students motivated or excited about anything or to even smile, elementary school kids are, in stark contrast, a savage bunch of happy, energetic kids that, for the most part, actually try to do well and want to play games and answer questions and repeat after you! It’s not impossible in junior high but it’s often not easy. I’m sure most teachers out there can relate. It probably also doesn’t help that school is apparently quite difficult in junior high but hey, we all did it, right? Just gotta try to relate and help ‘em get over themselves when necessary, or something like that!
            Finally we round out the year with the month that ended yesterday: December. It was a really feel-good month. It’s finally now after several months that I’ve begun to feel, in some way, comfortable in the classroom. I’m still a little apprehensive in there sometimes but a lot of things are starting to become pretty commonplace and the patterns are starting to show up. I’m slowly learning the kids’ abilities, attitudes, aptitudes and demeanor and most importantly, their names. I can’t try to learn all of their names – I’ve got over 300 students – but I want to learn as many as possible. Names are powerful knowledge and also a sturdy bridge, not to mention a practical requirement in most any relationship. Also, they all know mine so it’s only fair I try to return the favor.
            Right after the semester ended the teachers had the year-end dinner and party and it was WAY more fun than the one at the beginning of the semester. I should note that that one was a lot of fun too. The main reason this one was better is because I now know a lot of the teachers a little better and they know me a little better and so it’s easier to have fun, I guess. Also, more karaoke this time, which, as you know, is my favorite. Sad note: the school nurse ended her stay at the school and I didn’t even realize it when she was giving her speech at the closing ceremony but man was it sad. Needless to say, people everywhere were turning on their waterworks. I almost cried too. She’s a super nice lady and I’m actually really going to miss her.
            Wow, there’s a lot to talk about in December. Wrapping up, I just got back from a super amazing little vacay in Tokyo. Had a ton of fun with Steph and Maggie and their friends Janelle and Ally as we gallivanted about the city and hit up all sorts of places. Check out my album in facebook for a peek at the photos I took. Like I said in a tweet recently, I was only in the city for a few days – not even a week – and I already miss it. I really have to go again and have some more fun there. To give you an idea of how much going about we did, here’s a list of the places we hit up: Shinjuku, Harajuku, Shibuya, Akihabara, Roppongi, Ikebukuro, Tokyo DisneySea, Ghibli museum, the Square-Enix store, the Evangelion store, the Pokemon center, and the list goes on, actually. I even got to have lunch with Kristen from Tiny Prints and her sister (who’s a JET like me) and their friend. We went to a tonkatsu restaurant that our friend Kimi suggested and it really was some of the best tonkatsu I’ve ever had.
            There’s a lot of things I didn’t even talk about but there’s really no way of saying everything and it wouldn’t be very nice to my poor, dear reader to make you read volumes of my often uneventful life, which I’m very much enjoying. This past year, 2011, was a year full of amazing things, saying goodbye to wonderful people, saying hello to friendly people, a year divided but that is really two halves of a whole lot of great things that happened to me. I’ve grown, I’ve changed, I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve eaten like a pig and drunk like I’m more than thirsty. I’ve learned even more about myself, my friends, teaching, learning, Japan, and Japanese than I could have imagined I would. And as 2012 begins, as we mark this new cycle of our planet around the nice warm star God gave us, I’m thankful for what has been, for all I have, and especially for what’s to come. I’m just gonna stand atop this clearing and stare into the bright, blank horizon of the coming year, try and brace for the bad stuff, remember to enjoy the good stuff and really appreciate and be thankful for the great stuff.


2012, here we go!

2011: A Recap (part 1)

Guess what! I want to listen to all the awesome new music I got thanks to my sistuz. (For reference I'm going to list it here: David Crowder*Band - Church Music; Innerpartysystem; Eisley - The Valley; Avril Lavigne - Goodbye Lullaby; she - Orion) Of course, what better way to listen to music than by sittin' down to write off a year's worth of life? That said, get ready folks. This is gonna be another of the biggies so hanker down with your favorite warm drink (if you're in a cold place, like my room, for example!) and enjoy my ramblings!

Now, before I start (what, did you think I’d just let you off without some more illogical preamble? Have you seen my blog’s name? I can’t even stop from interrupting even myself! XD) I’m just gonna apologize. To be sure, this blog and I have had a bit of a relationship. I’ve had it for several years and it really feels like every time I post something I include some sort of rant bemoaning how few readers I have or how little I post – two things that are bound to have some correlation. But, thinking about it with as clear a head as I can have at the beginning of this brand new year, I’ve always used it as a personal writing outlet. Such a thing is, at its core, for the benefit of my own catharsis. Following that, though, is the fact that writing’s natural progression is communication in some form and it’s from that that stems my frustration, minor and insignificant as it often is. The apology, then, is to my reader in being forced to deal with my violent love-hate swing surrounding this exercise in writing. I don’t do New Year’s resolutions, but I can get behind having some impetus in regards to not complaining about audience or content around this blog.

2011: Part 1 – Pre-Japan

It makes sense to take this month by month but I’m not really sure I can recall what happened within those particular time frames (my memory’s not that good sometimes) so instead I’m just going to kind of wing it as I try to be as sequential as possible.

In January I was already in the midst of the application process for JET. I just checked my emails to verify the date and it appears it was mid-January when I found out I got the interview for JET. As you may or may not know, in 2008 I first applied to the JET programme and for whatever reason, I didn’t get to the interview phase of the applications process so getting it this time was pretty much mind blowing. I’m certain none of you are strangers to how much I was dying to go to Japan so getting just as far as the interview made me unfathomably happy. I was still cautiously optimistic because getting interviewed didn’t exactly mean I was going to Japan. Even then, I was, for once, confident in my placement. Maru-sensei, one of my favorite teachers (of all time), had such faith in my ability and prowess as a candidate for JET that I just knew I could do it.

[Other notable things in January: Not much? Played a ton of games… actually 2011 was a great year in gaming. If I recall correctly, I played through a ton of really fun/great games this year :D We’ll leave that for another post, if at all.]

This actually quite seamlessly leads into February, which is when the interview took place. Don’t recall much happening in February, to be honest. The interview went pretty well, I thought, and so began the waiting game. Actually, the waiting game began when I mailed in the application back in October 2010 when I started the application. The game clearly consists of a checklist where you have to wait some sort of vague span of time between each item. I will now proceed to painstakingly delineate said items and spans of time up to this point and update the list as I go through the post. (The time in parenthesis is the wait time until the next item)

[X] – October 2010: Send Application. (~3 months)
[X] – January 2011: find out I have the interview with JET (~1 month)
[X] – February 2011: interview in SF (~2.5 months)

           March 11, 2011 was when the Tohoku earthquake and subsequent tsunami happened. The interview was in late February so I was quite fresh out of it and feeling closer than ever to going to Japan. I still remember being at work and watching videos of people screaming, of the swelling sea coming in, rushing into land and taking with it bikes, cars, boats and buildings. It was honestly frightful. The people that knew I was planning and trying to go to Japan asked me what was going to happen. I didn’t have many answers. I didn’t know whether JET was going to cancel this year’s applications. I heard of at least one JET who was in the Sendai area who died. I did have at least one answer though: I still wanted to go to Japan. Something inside me wanted to be there even then helping however I could.
            Time went on and April came and went. I can’t say I recall any particular thing that makes April stand out. Sorry, April! Oh, actually, I take that back. Imogen Heap’s 4^th album began in the tail end of March and the first song from it came out in early April. Love, love, love Lifeline and I can’t wait to hear the newest song coming out real soon (she’s doing a song every 3 months). AND – wow, gotta thank my sent e-mails box since it’s really helping this post out – it turns out it was on April 17^th that I found out I was on the short list for JET.

[X] – April 17, 2011: get into JET

Lemme just say, I stopped short of exploding right there in my chair at work when I got the e-mail. Suffice to say, I read it through a good 3 or 4 times just to make sure I wasn’t misreading it. I then proceeded to tell my close circle of friends, family and a selection of people. I would then proceed to tell others as I saw fit. I’m sneaky like that. Wow, just remembering finding out is putting a huge smile on my face. That moment for me was the consummation of so many hopes and the beginning of a future I’m currently living. I’m in the middle of the Japanese country-side staring out the window of my apartment past the reflection I can’t see on my window. I’m in this window, this door to the outside that is my current life in this country I’ve pined for for years. Forgive me for waxing metaphysipoetical.

I love May. 1) It pretty much kicks of with my birthday on the 2^nd – it always sneaks up on me, actually – and 2) it’s also the beginning of the summer, which is usually a fun season. May was when I started to put into action plans and efforts for The Big Move to Japan at the end of July. I also got my iPad in May :D Yes, it still rocks. It’s my Japanese video game playing companion so I can look stuff up and talk to my friends while I game. It’s the little things, folks!

June’s when I found out where I was placed for my stay in Japan: the town of Oda in Shimane prefecture. To be frank, I had no [insert expletive for color] idea where Oda or even Shimane were. I’d never heard of the prefecture and quite possibly any part of it. It was a little daunting to think I’d be living in a place I’d never heard of, even if it did happen to be in Japan. I remember looking it up in google maps and thinking something along the lines of “I’m in the middle of nowhere” or “country life… I hope my body can take it.” Obviously, I was being the classic drama queen I usually am but still had a positive outlook coz I was going to Japan! [Spoiler alert: loving it here, wouldn’t trade it.] Seriously though, I was a little concerned because it is a rural area and I’ve never lived in a rural area but seeing as I was ready and willing to embrace the unknown by simply going through with going to Japan, there was [and still is] nothing to be afraid of. 

[X] – June 2011: find out where I’m placed (~1ish months)

July is when I kicked the preparations for departure into HIGH GEAR. I had, at this point, 30 days to get ready to fly 2000 or whatever miles to my new home. I wanted/had to reduce the entirety of my belongings to things that I could throw away, give away, sell or take with me. I’d like to think I was successful, for the most part. Although there were some things I ended up not being able to take care of. (SORRY MIKE) Let’s not even talk about how I spent the whole night before my flight packing. Yes, the whole night, didn’t sleep a wink. The span from about 6-8AM was the toughest ever to stay awake through. I seriously could not sit down for too long for fear that I’d just conk out. In these last few weeks before moving to Japan I:

-        Sold my car

-        Sold my laptop

-        Sold my desktop

-        Bought a new laptop

-        Gave away a ton of clothes/things

-        Sold a bunch of stuff at a garage sale (for stupid cheap coz I needed to get rid of it)

-        Bought the best jacket I’ve ever owned (shout-out to Harim, holla!)

-        Had as much pearl milk tea as I could – no regrets!

-        Said goodbye to everyone I was possibly able to and had probably several too many farewell dinners that I feel guilty I got treated to. Thank you friends T_T

-        Probably a bunch of other things, it’s all a blur

And this all culminated in…

[X] – July 30th, 2011: fly to Japan

(next part coming soon)