Free Thoughts

Life is a complex mechanism. If one thinks of the human body, depending on how much head knowledge on the topic you may possess, you may name at the very least 2 or 3 intricate systems, all part of one single organism. All working in unison, all with a purpose. Yet, even within that marvelous complexity, living is a simple action. In many ways we choose to live, but at its core, we are alive subconsciously. In the same vein, there is a simple-complex analogy about the workings of our emotions. Some may argue that what we feel is no more than impulses within our brain, nothing but electricity running through connectors inside the gray matter. Be it that or not is outside of my authority to say, but I do know that emotions that carry names, such as anguish, love, happiness and the like, are as simple in their core as they are complex in their execution.

If we take the most popular, love, the average adult mind needn't go far to find a veritable library of memories upon which to draw conclusions with. Nevertheless, to take an unbiased view of love, while nigh impossible, may in fact reveal something unknown to even the eldest reading this. At the risk of sounding poetic, who can truly say that love is something that can fit inside a logical equation or that it is bigger than our imagination? Obviously these are rhetorical questions of quality, not quantity. What I may perhaps be getting to is that love may fit snugly within the confines of our understanding or reside squarely set on a shrine far beyond our reach at the other side of a limitless chasm. And even then, given the plurality of what people deem love to be: romance, sacrifice, determination, resolve, attraction, passion; a clear definition cannot possibly be given. Therein lies the complexity of this particular system. However, what I would like to clarify, if I may, is the simplicity of it.

Perhaps in a fit of naivete, or maybe a struggle with denial, I would almost blindly believe that there is a core facet of love from which all other complications arise. If only out of the natural pattern and order of things, perhaps, do I deduce that this exists at all. And yet, I insist that it does. It might not be the best approach but it may shed some light to strip away layers from the whole idea in search of an indivisible center. My first instinct is to remove romance although it may present me as some bitter commentator. Regardless, I would understand love to be far deeper than what most take romance to be. My short life has met me with little experience, but I'm an avid observer and have seen the many motions of others reacting to the motions of romance. I am convinced that love must be stronger, deeper, darker than something that brings two people together only to find them riven within half a month. Not to belittle romance, of course, truly a beautiful thing in its proper place and time, but truly, though romance may be part of love, love is truly a far cry from being nothing more than romance.

So then what is truly left? Ever since I was young I was taught that there were three kinds of love: agape, filial and eros. Eros being romantic love, filial being the love one feels for ones family and agape being the love we have for/from God. So would love then be trine and separate or a whole with three subsets? I would gamble to say it is a whole. Who's to say all three kinds of love cannot spring forth from the same essential source? Ultimately where does that leave us? After digging past the romantic layer, we can be met with either the filial or agape layers and honestly I don't believe it would be far fetched to consider love from God to go beyond what human love can conceive or offer. Truly the love of a mother towards her children surpasses the love of lovers on a merry day or the swelling heart of a father whose boy won the race weigh heavier than that of a woman being asked for her hand in marriage. Again these are situations begging for a quantitative measurement though never being conceded one and as such, my humble opinion is all I can muster to present. But I would like to believe that given a moderate amount of thought, many would agree with me.

Finally, can we say that there is nothing left but God's love? My perspective being that of the Christian faith, that along with my rearing and development, I know this would be a point of careful study and scrutiny and it very well ought to be. Regardless, this is the point to which I have gotten to: at its simplest, the very fount and source of love is none other than God. If one were to believe God's words then it is as simple as this: we love because He first loved us. Far be it from me to try to convince anybody of God's love for us or His sovereignty therein. And so, what does that truly say of love? Given the traits of God, we could say the love we have is limitless and powerful, among too many things to mention in this short analysis.

Conclusively, the simplicity of love lies in the overwhelming sense that it springs forth from our souls fed plainly from the everlasting source. Whether we love our brothers and sisters or lovers and friends or return as much of it as we may to whence it came, we can rest assured that if there is any complication in what we call love then it is simply the human element adding onto a pure essence. The clarity through which we can observe love comes at the price of the conscious disregard for ones own preconceived notions and learned reactions to what it truly is.

Some of that non-sense

So last night I wrote another poem hehe. Seems like that's what happens nowadays: I'm about to go to sleep and tired yet a good line pops into my head and I can't let it go to waste so I make a whole darn poem from it. And here it is...

a separate life
so eagerly lived
misty eyed and mystified
a torn canvas full of white

a gift given bitterly
no drop of light for morning
blooming dreams
the shattered sunrise

a crashing voice
surpassing fates
opening deaf ears
and the sea of washing memories

© Emilio Gandara 2008

Disclaimer: It doesn't make any sense, I know, but it doesn't bother me because I enjoy form more than meaning at times and that's just how I felt last night. I don't care if it makes sense to anybody or if anyone tries to make sense of it, I just wanted to write something I could think was pretty. Oh, and I think I called it 'Separate Life'.

Hooray!

I'll try to keep this short as it's during the morning and I don't have a lot of time to waste. In any case, here's how it goes. I was working out in the gym as usual "just workin on my fitness" when suddenly one of the trainers along with the lady that gives you the keys to the individual lockers (and whom I assume is in charge in the gym, to a degree) approach me. Basically, to be to the point, they asked me if I would agree to be Mr. June! Haha. I'm sure this requires some context so here's a quick explanation. In the gym, along the hallway where all the lockers are, there are a few bulletin boards along the walls. One of them is like an article about exercise or good dieting, another one is usually about how to have a healthier lifestyle (like what not to eat out and what are healthy options when eating out) and the one in between those two is the Member Spotlight. In the Member Spotlight, every month they select a member of the gym who apparently has a story to tell and they do a feature on that person.

Ever since I first saw that board, I think I secretly aimed to be in it some day. I'm more than honored that I would be asked! It's truly thanks to God! I wouldn't even be here without Him. I'm really excited but I think it's good to stop here. More details possibly coming...

Rubik's Fun

Just sharing something cool: ^^

storm

Hey y'all, here's a little gift (too bad only like 1 person ever visits this blog lol). This morning I opened photoshop and was noodling about and made this little number. I call it 'storm', or arashi, as the character so plainly reads XD.

Oh, it's 1024 x 768 btw, sorry if your resolution's not that...

2 things, real quick

1: Last night right before I went to bed I felt like writing a new away message and this came out:

I surrender my mind
as I lay myself down
all the strength that I have
is worth nothing

I enter a world
that is bound by my soul
a limitless void
full of visions

so whatever may come
be it friend, foe or fiend
will be welcomed by me
though not wanting

and when the dawn glows
with a rousing mystique
I will leave those worlds
naught but forgotten

© 2008 Emilio Gandara

2: With my recent discovery that my name in Japanese should be エミリョ instead of エミリオ, I looked up new kanji for it and I think I've come up with two cool combinations:

会美侶 - meet beautiful companion
彗弥旅 - comet increasing travel

Which one do you like better? I like the fact that the first one has easier to know kanji but I like them both about the same anyway. I'll probably decide on my own but I have to make it to work today and so I can't stare at it too much for now. I'll probably come back tonight and choose.

Wow, just wow

I got a surprise phone call today, as in, I had no idea who from New York was calling me. When I answer it I'm pleased to find out that it was Sensei calling me! And I'm like, yay sensei, and she's like, hey how are you and then I suddenly hear everybody singing Happy Birthday to me. It was a bunch of people from the advanced japanese class. Many of them friends I've been taking the classes with. As it turns out, I believe today was the day the Advanced Japanese 3 class does the play that is part of the curriculum and they were out eating after the performance. Well Sensei called me and had everybody sing and I'm just taken way way aback by the moment and soooo happy. I could barely believe it happened. After everybody sang I spoke a bit with Sensei and she asked me what I'd done today and whatnot. In any case, it was awesome and now I can't wait to go back and have some more fun in my japanese classes. Too bad most of my friends from class will be done this quarter but at least Corey will possibly be taking it with me... and he better *death threats* haha.

Point in case: Sensei rocks!!! XD

Colorful Haiku

During my extensive Haiku practice, I've occasionally done a series of haiku around a theme. Here is one such theme:

Colors~

Look! A red herring
its scent meant to throw you off
but you followed me

an orange sunset
crimson and gold in the sky
warmth welcoming night

yellow light of hope
in the midst of night, a sun
dispels the darkness

no more am I green
the naiveté of youth
or envy of age

a spirit of blue
burning fire cool to the touch
proceed with caution

purple's majesty
a lake's watercolor dusk
mimicking the night

indigo glasses
paint my world a hue of new
midnight at midday

© Emilio Gandara 2008

Maybe some other time I'll post another series...

Identification

So let's get the big news out of the way, I got my Ohio license. To those who talk to me on a regular basis you know I'd been sort of anxious (see: flippin out) about taking the written test. Well this morning I went (Jeremy was awesome and let me borrow his car to get there and back (which is much much better than taking a bus (and you may see why) ) ) and took the test and passed it! I suppose it's worth telling the story coz I enjoy writing it, supposedly!

Well here we go, this morning I set my alarm for 6:30 because Jeremy and I had agreed to pick me up at 7:30 so I would drop him off at work and then I'd be on my way to the BMV (normally the Department of Motor Vehicles, but Ohio has a Bureau instead). Well i got there before they opened because I found a closer place than the one I would've ended up going to (Thank God) and just waited outside playing with my Rubik's cube, that I got this week on a whim :). Well eventually the doors open and I go in and take the eye test first, which I did great at without my glasses. I took it without them because they told me if I took it with them they'd restrict me to only driving with my glasses, which I pretty much already do but just in case I'd rather not have restrictions on my license. After that I was told to sit at one of the stations to do the written test, which mind you is no longer written but digital and on a touch screen.

There were 40 questions and I needed to get at least 30 of them right to pass. It was a little bit nerve wracking but I tried to be careful and mindful and just kept praying as I'd been doing for days about this. I skipped some of the questions because I wasn't sure and it wasn't until the end that I discovered that this was actually a good strategy. The exam ended before I could go through all of the questions because I met the quota of correct answers. That's why it was a good idea to throw some questions to the end of the queue possibly saving myself from more mistakes. Nonetheless I passed and was given my slip to hand off next door where I would actually get my license. It was still very early so I didn't have to make a line here either. I would pretty much make it to work on time too if things kept going as smooth as they were. Well I finish up all the paperwork but right before I go to get my picture taken I have to pay and it's evident they only take cash or checks, neither of which I had on me (I did have some cash but not enough). So I had to leave and try and find an ATM. The person at the counter told me to go to the gas station down the road and I did but it wasn't working and so I got sent to the bank down the next road *sheesh* and lo and behold, it didn't open until 9, which is when I normally get into work. *sigh* but no matter - I thought, because I had already recovered an hour on tuesday in preparation. So I stay in line at the bank, yes, in line, outside the door. Another one of the instances where I feel like a minority because everybody else was black. But that's a different point for another day. Anyway, at 9 the doors open, I rush in to the ATM, get the money, rush out, and take my time on the road to get back to the licensing locale (because i don't want to ironically get in an accident trying to get a license). So I get there, pay and get my picture taken and shortly after my license is given to me shiny and brand spankin' new.



In other news, I was staring at my old license on wednesday pondering the 'out with the old, in with the new' motif of it all and noticed I had 188 lb as my weight. I couldn't help but smile as I realized I am currently more than 10 pounds lighter than I was when I was 16 years old. In other words, I'm pretty much in the best shape of my life! Nope, I really can't get off my crazy weight loss mindset haha. And all you worry warts out there don't worry, I won't lose 'too much'. I've already thought about it and have come up with a plan so chillax, I'm a big boy now ;).

I guess the biggest plus about the new ID, other than my old one being expired tomorrow and having a valid ID to be able to fly back home this summer, is the fact that I no longer have to go through awkward moments of getting carded at bars or otherwise. No more "what's this?" or "I can make this in my basement" as people look at my ID. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a sigh of relief *inhale*...*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*