Lazy Saturday Afternoon

This very moment for me is the epitome of the lazy Saturday afternoon. Half the people in the apartment are sleeping and the two that are awake are in two rooms, closed off to themselves. I can't say I mind. Having a break from the week's hubbub is much appreciated and in a sense i wish this pause would last longer than it is bound to. I'm just sitting on the couch, listening to Parachutes by Coldplay (see: their most chill album, in my opinion) and just teetering on the fence between lethargy and inactivity. Kinda feels like at this moment the only thing I'm actually doing is being alive. It's sort of surreal.

Yet, even in spite of such a seemingly peaceful place I can't help but feel a little uneasy. The irony of moments like these is that while the natural thing would be to relax one's mind and body, generally one's mind tends to take the chance given by the lack of activity and treads in every possible direction, thereby being anything but inactive. In other words, instead of just resting and not thinking about much and enjoying the music, I think about everything I could be doing or should be doing or what the near future holds and what the far future will bring and all the changes and responsibilities that are waiting to befall me. ... Interesting I would choose befall, as though changes and responsibilities were some sort of curse or punishment.

Having the interview next week gives me nothing but nerves. As if I half-expected the time living here with Coppe and Adam to last forever. My initial intent was to be here for no longer than a month and look now as the end of the second month approaches at 60 seconds a minute. Trust me, that's fast enough. I know I must find a job and a place to live and start really paying off my college loans. I'm not trying to escape said fate. Thinking back, it's exactly what I wanted. I wanted an average life in an average home with an average family, an average income. As close to normality as possible is what I aimed for. But right now I really don't want that at all! I want to pack a few shirts and pants and book a flight to Japan and try to make it there, have an adventure or something. But as I begin to fill my mind with these thoughts and become starry-eyed my rational side deals a soul-crushing blow of disappointment and tries to convince me that I should just be happy I have an interview and possible job lined up.

I don't want to be immature and irresponsible but like an angsty teenager I wanna dig into a rebellious corner and say no to the status quo. The worst part of all of this would then be that there's a bigger part of this business looming in the background sending waves to the forefront of my train of thought. The spiritual aspect of my life keeps trying to tell me that it's not about what I want or think I want or think I should have or do. I know what I should want the most is to do what God's will for my life is. Unfortunately I far from know what that is. I really wish I could just let go of what I want and what I don't want in my life and let God tell me what to do, and in a sense, I guess that's what I should do. However, I don't know how to do that, I don't know how to begin to do that and before getting frustrated over such a realization I'd rather bring the train back on to the rails of me figuring out what to do.

As I further introspect, I meet yet another dimension. Do I even know what I want? After college deciding to come here to California... regardless of whether or not that was the right choice, did I make the choice I wanted? Do I really want to go to Japan or move to Mountain View, CA if given the choice? I'm not much for regretting because I'm too proud to admit that I should've known better but if I do end up in Japan, would I be happy? Is the happiness worth it? Part of me stands up to say that happiness is beneath doing the will of God and I second the notion with my heart and then I meet up again with the concern of not knowing what God wants me to do. Reading the Bible I always get the feeling that the heroes of faith always knew exactly what to do. Noah didn't know what an arc was but God gave him measurements.

I guess I'm just really scared. As I said I'm not much for regretting but if accepted the job at Mountain View and moved there and that set off a series of events whereby I'm kept from Japan all my life... Then what if Japan was the will of God for my life??? I'd regret it until the day I die. Going to Japan feels like if I go I wouldn't die without returning. As in, I just feel as if returning would only be a matter of time. On the other hand, the looming feeling I have is that the door of opportunity for going to Japan is barely ajar and any wrong move I make that might keep me here a little longer will slam it shut and proceed to lock it in a million different ways.

I probably have nothing to really worry about and given some time all this will be sorted out. I'm sure no matter which direction I go it won't be easy and I'm sure God can use me no matter where I am. What I want has to come second to what God wants. It'll probably make sense in the end.