Logical Non-Sense

The Hallways Stretch Forever

2012-02-05T22:12:00.000+09:00

two mirrors and within them one will
one curve and two angles, singularly
fears and foci: future abstracted
the ends meet, grasp, tighten and wait

an overflow, forming pools
two mirrors face to face: infinitely
and inside is a fractured spark
deeper in, the drums of peace

in an instant the spark arches
glowing, the soul smooths the pools out
two mirrors: the ring of time bounces
at once, eternity is deconstructed

the drums now beating
rhythm, in a to and fro metronome
is the spark transcending thought
two mirrors find harmony in unison

the spark now a beam at speed
its bounce a beat outside of time
two mirrors opening to an end
and the end expanding ever closer

faster, the drums now scream
two mirrors in a riot flood
a killing pulse, once, twice deceived
the whirring beam is banished

two mirrors clearly, desperately dark
breaking past the instant's wall
the line is taut, gravity strung anew
and the moment is complete in the touch

A Study: Is Not

2012-01-25T22:02:00.000+09:00

Nothing is quite as brain-emptying as a blank page, an empty space begging to be filled all the while siphoning every inkling of a thought that may be escaping your mind. The black hole, it is thought, produces a great amount of light but so strong is its power of attraction that none of it escapes. The white void, the plain canvas, holds in its vast lands the rich earth needed for the fruit of knowledge. The black ink, the painted pixel, is the sowing of every image as it is placed rightly, neatly on. This meeting of the poles, this encounter of opposites, the linking of the line that makes a loop and every instant of this traversal: what stripe, what checker, what shadow that light in breaking makes again. Every color divided, united is both and neither in contradictory equality and every oxymoron takes place on this black and white. The very void that void created in its absence found itself.

party music

2012-01-19T22:20:00.000+09:00

blue star dance quick
lose love sing stop

pause now think drop
feel shake spin slick

take shape twin fates
light smoke loud sound

go fast trade sides
dip jump step turn

bounce leap flip flop
green beam freeze frame

flash quake boom shock
wave pound crash rock

slow now low ground
look swift sense shift

rise twist bend break
sweat drink smile stay

From When All Was Said

2012-01-17T11:36:00.000+09:00

There it was, in shambles. "What a pitiable sight" - the rest considered, under a collective heavy sigh that repeated with each breath. Laid out on a flat surface were the remains, one can only imagine, of what once must have been something grandiose. Dripping from all sides was every liquid substance found within the body that was now tattered, worn and torn in gruesome fashion."To think that is what will come of us all" - they wept and swore in an ache of aeons borne. This fate not sought, they thought, would descend upon them one by one until each surely lay broken thus. "Not so" - thought one in empty hopes and accidental irony. A knot in the stomach at each reeling glimpse and there among the wreck, the weak stitches of fiber sewn by the trembling hands of the witness. It would not help, in the end.

A light, cold and sterile, as heartless as it was bright shone abruptly on the scene, rendering what was previously faintly horrid now endlessly grim and stark. Every nuanced color of destruction was now clearly detailed; each hue transforming from fear to rage and loathing. "This is not justice" - booms a furious elder. Speech, until that day strictly prohibited, now claimed and true by the brave one. "Where is the voice of the speaker?" - another's voice cracked as he held out in the cruel light an object of worth unfathomable. A small sphere, mistakenly clear for it was in fact of the slightest tint of blue. Held up to the cruel light it was at once impossible to stand. The crowd, one by one in a slow fit, fell, eyes blank and the light and sphere vanished.

Dim at first and then richer and deeper, and without notice, the orange glow is now a sunset in reverse. The celestial sphere, burning in warm colors, unveiled in an instant the state of the fallen. From the core of that wretched form came every groan and glory and what once was the shedding of all life, now a wildfire as thick as stone quickened with heat. The eyes of the mourners, never closed, left behind the gray shade and now in every color found a new strength. Every voice rose from a tremulous whisper until the ground shook in resonance. And in echoes the voice ringing truest uttered a timeless word "Speak. We are forevermore."

Of the Trunk and the Branches

2012-01-14T20:58:00.001+09:00

With the NA release of Final Fantasy XIII-2 around the corner, there's been a lot of talk about it and FFXIII lately. One such post I saw recently talked about "what went wrong with FFXIII." The biggest point the author discussed was that of its "overly" linear nature. What he means by that, unless I'm mistaken, is that there didn't seem to be much freedom to decide where to go. Now, I have to agree that for most of FFXIII this was indeed the case - most of the maps had very few branching paths and even when they did branch off it was just for a fight and a treasure chest. This is definitely a far cry from the (here he goes again) overworlds from Final Fantasies of old where, once you left the initial town/village/city you started in you could virtually go anywhere, or so it seemed. Naturally there were limits to where you could go in order for there to be a logical succession to the story but you could still walk around and battle here and there and just see how far you could go. It was really easy to just lose yourself in there. But, although that sense of exploration is unmistakably diminished (if not altogether lost) with the degree of linearity maps in 13 had, I wonder how much of a negative impact that has on the game's storyline.

Most of the time, I play games for the story. I generally treat them as books. I'm not going to go on a crazy limb and say this is how games are to be played. And I'd be painting the wrong picture saying this is always the case even for me. When it comes to RPG's, though, I'm first and foremost in it for the epic storyline. Seeing the character relationships develop and unfold, the dramatic events take place, the twists, the surprises, and then the inevitable conclusion are all things I can't do without in a good story and I'd like to think this is what generally drives most RPG's.

There is, of course, the other side of the coin: this is a game we're talking about, so naturally there's a game play element that cannot be ignored. There are RPG's I've never finished because the story failed to take hold of me but there are surely just as many I stopped playing because they were just awful to play. However, I don't think linearity is really a game play issue... or is it?! I think we're reached an important point in this observation.

While the late 90's and early 2000's can likely claim to be the golden age of the JRPG, the current wave seems to favor the western RPG. I think, if nothing else, what most sheds light on the divide between the two is how the story is treated. In both, there is this large theater wherein, at least by the end of the game, the fate of the world - if not the entire universe - is in the hands of a small brigade of unlikely heroes. The difference, then, is how we get there: how we went from small town kid with big dreams who lost some or all of his family in some tragedy to starry-eyed, troubled, war-worn, couragious warrior bent on saving everything. (You can probably tell I'm far more versed in the JRPG spectrum of things and I don't deny that in the least.) Correct me if I'm wrong but the goal in many western RPGs isn't even this one huge final battle that all the events of the game were leading up to but instead it is to do your own thing while being in that huge universe. Sure, there's an end-game in some fashion, but it's optional, at best.

In a strange sort of epiphany I'm having at this very moment, I'm beginning to realize what was linear in 13 wasn't the story but the gameplay. Sure, there's tons of people out there that complain to no end about how much they hate this or that character (mostly Hope, they all hate Hope :/ ) but I think for the most part people were mad that you can't really explore the beautiful worlds Pulse and Coccoon are. The author of the article mentioned in the beginning said something I, in retrospect, do empathize with. It really is a shame that all you could do was take in the sights. It was like being in a massive cave full of shiny crystals and cool things you could barely make out in the distance but you were stuck on this catwalk that cuts right across the whole thing from entrance to exit.

So back to square one, really. Is the contrived appearance of all those hallways in 13 something that reflected negatively on the story? Well, it was certainly conspicuous enough that even in my delirious honeymoon with the game (I was looking forward to 13 for far too long) I was able to notice it but in a sense I took it at face value. "It's just how it is in this game." - I told myself. Yet even in that, where my immersion went from I'm Lightning and company to I'm playing FF13, I was still able to appreciate what was happening to those characters. I guess I can only really speak for myself in all this.

For what it's worth, it's not like the overworld and towns is gone from all modern JRPGs. Tales of Vesperia felt so very much like an olden days' RPG but with modern day aesthetics and production value. As for the state of the FF series, a topic I don't want to get into too much again, it's just a matter of waiting to see what comes next and taking each game for what it is. And really, we just can't complain these days. There's so many games vying for our money and attention that we can't get hung up on how much we dislike one or the other. There's so much to like and explore and sink time into that we'd be fools to get hung up on what makes us unhappy. Ooph, just got totally off track and went all peace and love on this post. Ok, back on track!

I think what I'm trying to get to ultimately is that it's a matter of taste. There are people that don't really care for the main track of a story in an RPG. They just want to form the tightest, strongest group of bad-asses the world will ever see. Maybe there are others that want to see and feel everything in this fantasy world they've been dropped into. They won't rest until they've upturned every stone, opened every chest, fought every mob and collected every droplet of stardust the game set you out to collect for some dubious reason. Then there's people like myself that will be carried through even poor dynamics (like an awful camera - looking at you Alice: Madness Returns) by the prospect of finding out what comes of all you've been put through.

The Urge to Scream

2012-01-09T14:21:00.001+09:00

shush
the wilderness hears whispers better than screams
white noise, white fog, white bark, white lights
yet despite it all
a fathomless depth, a dark maw swallowed us
why venture forth?
shush
it's not a race. There is no winner
we wouldn't have come without a promised prize
much too much glitters in such darkness
reflective spheres in a circular perimeter
it's not that we were followed
shush
reverence in the throne room
these drapes: vine entwined
columns in rows, thick, resonant, alive
the marbled floor in mud and small bright pools
the regal seating, roots in ascension
shush
the dead flowers wake
their sleep a ruse for the thieves
bleeding from the thorns
the mantle's weight and color: heft, scarlet
entrance and rest, a heaving thump and toothy grin
call
bow, mercy, compromise
war bursts forth instead
shrill sounds in a sudden mania
the whole wood stirs
don that mantle, wash those hands

Nostalgia Fought the Future and We All Lost

2012-01-07T02:21:00.000+09:00

Oh. Man. Time to rant! (tl;dr at the end of the post!!!)

So, I just finished Final Fantasy XIII-2 (Final Fantasy shortened to FF hereafter) and *sorta kind not really a spoiler* the ending disappointed me to be honest. Now, that's not what I want to rant about. One of the things I'd love to rant about is how mean the commenting community in Kotaku is, but that's a story for a different day. It's not too far removed from the sort of inane vitriol spouted by a lot of the internet at large but it is generally venomous and drives me to ire 9 out of the 10 times I attempt to read any of it. However, that's also not what I want to rant about (wait, I think I just did, doh!) So I read this article after seeing its video and then read some of the comments. What caused me to go on this rant is this line by the first featured comment:

"Just bring on Versus already. Please. I'm begging you. X_x"

So here's the thing: first off - disclaimer - I'm not attacking the commenter at all. My rant isn't against the comment. It's about the trend I've seen growing lately. There was this general dissatisfaction with FFXIII that has become nothing short of this epic hate train against Square-Enix (SE) and particularly the FF IP. Going deeper into this, for a second, I really find it sad that this contempt is born from a desire to like the FF games. However, this desire has turned into this overwhelmingly unmeetable standard for FF games. I really wonder if SE will ever be able to shake its history. People hold FF6 and 7 in the highest of regards. Now, on its own this is obviously a great thing but when you add to it the fact that SE has to continue to make games, and the fact that every subsequent game they ever produce that has the words 'Final' and 'Fantasy' in the title will be measured against those fan favorites, you can see where the problem rears its ugly head.

In some ways I feel like FF is spiraling into the awful place the Sonic games went to. I'll fight real hard to not digress in this direction but to make the connection a little explanation is necessary. If you're familiar with the Sonic franchise you probably know what I'm talking about. Too many Sonic fans have Sonic the Hedgehog 2 or Sonic Adventure on some holy pedestal that results in no 2D or 3D Sonic game to be released these days considered "as good" let alone better than those! It's a shame too, because while, truth be told, there were a lot of let's say poor Sonic games released in the years since the aforementioned, the newest ones have really come into their own, I think. Sadly, it seems many fans (or at least the most visible and/or vocal ones - this may be part of the universal problem surrounding comments) are unwilling to approach these games without their nostalgia glasses on; without the prejudice that says bad until proven good but ultimately damning them before the beginning of the trial. SEGA, and particularly Sonic Team, the main development team for the Sonic games, weren't afraid to experiment and take the mascot in many new, interesting, at times unfortunate, oftentimes perfectly sensible directions.

I think SE has been doing this with the FF series. FF7 was a serious departure from what the series had established but, perhaps because it was the first FF a lot of us, myself included, played (note this is one possible reason among many) there was no standard to hold it to. Naturally, it fittingly became that standard. Also of note is the fact that, although in terms of design and overall aesthetic, FF7 was indeed very distinct, the mechanics were generally left intact. I came to play FF6 well after FF7. Actually, after FF12, if I'm not mistaken. The overworld, the Active Time Battle system, the way Summons worked, character count, you name it, stayed largely intact. After 7, this pattern stayed in place up until 10. Sure, a lot of people dislike 8 but it's got as many detractors as it has avid fans and from what I hear, most of them simply didn't like the story; others took issue with the junction system, which, while pivotal to the game, was a purely mechanical element and it's kind of been a tradition of the FF games to play with the character development mechanics with each entry. We'll call 7-9 the PS era FF.

Enter FF10. This was the first PS2 FF and marked the beginning of the hate train. I'd say 10 was like putting down the tracks the train would eventually run on. Without 11 and so on there wouldn't necessarily be a train at all, but 10 is important because it was a turning point. Many things stayed the same but very important things were gone. The one that springs forth the quickest in my mind is the overworld. This is, of course, because it was one of my favorite things! Yes, the rant is personal. Was there ever any other way? They also added voice overs. FF10 has been the butt of many jokes in relation to the accidentally comical voice overs. The Tidus and Yuna laugh scene always comes to mind and pretty much makes me laugh every time. It's really a pretty poignant moment in the game but the acting is so... odd that it shoots right over horrible and becomes hilarious.

Wow, okay, it really feels like I've gotten off track. Or rather, I'm getting too granular. Cutting to the chase with the PS2 era, the metaphorical train we've been talking about starts to take shape in the form of the iconoclastic FF11 and the unexpected FF10-2. FF11 took a lot of the FF formula and defenestrated it to oblivion by making the game an MMORPG. FF11 was pretty successful and a huge testament to that is the fact that it's still around. Yes, more than 10 years after its release there's still a community of devoted fans playing it. More power to 'em if they enjoy it, I say! As for FF10-2, I think enough is said in stating two opinions: 1) Mine: I enjoyed the battle system a lot, story was meh, there's a poster of it on my wall back home :X. 2) General public as I see it: W.T.F. I imagine there must have been people out there wanting more of FF10 or else why would they have made it?

Enfranchising individual FFs is something that may've started with 10 (correct me if I'm wrong) but SE have taken that wave and are riding it now more than ever. FF10's sequel may've been planned and produced once FF10 sold as much as it did - sheer speculation - but FF13 was announced as a franchise from day one: Fabula Nova Crystallis, as they are ever so esoterically calling it.

"Jeez, can we get to the point?!" - I hear you clamoring, in a voice that is 98% my own and 2% it's 1:30AM. (Wait I didn't talk about FF12, just a quick note, pretty please!) FF12 was excellent (not my favorite, honestly) but worth all the praise it got. It changed even more mechanics and old fan-favorites but the writing (localization?) was top notch, the voice acting was excellent, the story was fascinating and the world was, in some ways, what may as well be the natural progression of the overworld (can't believe I typed that). That said - this actually happened, by the way - the first kid to pick up his copy of FF12 when it released in Japan on their huge launch party in Tokyo was asked how he felt and uttered into the microphone a single request that had nothing to do with FF12 and mostly everything to do with what my rant is supposed to be about: "please remake FF7."*

Well, my rant isn't about FF7 but it stems from the fact that there's still people out there who refuse to move on from what the series used to be. Yes, it's different. It has to be! "Oh man, but don't you get it? How cool FF7 would be with FF13 graphics!" Oh man, yeah it would be so cool! But SE has shot down that possibility time after time. And that's not even the point! Right now countless people, like the one quoted in the beginning of the post, are hating on FF13-2 before it even comes out in the states; before they even play it! Also, at the same time they're hoping upon hope that FF Versus XIII will be everything they've ever dreamed and more. Now, I have to give those people props because at least they're not continuing to wonder when FF7 will come out on PS3. But wow, can they at least try FF13-2 before they dismiss it? The answer is, I can't possibly expect the internet to only say things I agree with.

I admit that in part I'm preaching to myself. I too am hoping that FFv13 is amazing. That said, I'm not irrationally expecting it to be that. I don't want it to be like FF7. Also, I really don't want it to be like FF13, especially after finishing FF13-2 and feeling like I just played a slight revamp of 13 (Oh wait, that's what it is in so many ways!) I want it to be its own things. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a fan of Tetsuya Nomura's work. Kingdom Hearts (KH) is my favorite game series of all time (one day I'll rant/rave about that one and if I wrote this much about FF, fear, just fear the length of that post *evil laugh*). The reason I mention KH is because the team behind FFv13 is made of people who worked on KH and also FF7: Advent Children, which I love. I love that movie and will probably watch it tomorrow out of virtue of simply mentioning it on this post! *awkward pause as I stare blankly at thin air* Oh, the post, right. So yeah, with people from teams who cranked out two things I really enjoy and directed by Nomura, whom I admire because he made/makes KH, I feel like I can safely have my hopes up. Oh, oh, also, FF Type-0 and Dissidia 012 (ugh, SE names, why?!) have an overworld and those were also worked on by Nomura. There's hope, folks!

So long story unnecessarily long, the lessons I hope we can all strive to learn are to take the FF games as stand-alone projects ('cept for the sequels, SEQUELITIS!), be optimistic about FFv13 but not so much that it ends up disappointing you because you thought it was gonna be practically perfect in every way - that's Mary Poppins territory and she's not letting anyone in there - and to love each other.

*total paraphrase pulled from memory

tl;dr -> please don't ruin FFv13 for yourselves by thinking it'll solve all your "remake FF7" problems/dissatisfaction with FF13.

Hello, 2012

2012-01-04T21:31:00.000+09:00

Quick note, coz apparently I can't stop posting on my blog all of a sudden. Yeah, it's just weird that it's already been 4 days into the new year. It might feel that way, in part because I've only really left my apartment a handful of times. Anyway, work starts back up tomorrow and as much as I love vacation, some human interaction and just being at work in general, I'm sure, will feel pretty good. I suppose, all I really wanna say is, I hope 2012 is a great year. There's a fairly good chance this'll be my first full year in Japan. We'll see how that goes.

(here's where I get a little ethereal)

Living can be pretty easy sometimes. Course, on the other hand, it's never easy. The balance that we like to call normal is really just the x axis on this sine wave we're all riding. Every time we think we're getting close to it it's just to overshoot it and keep being abnormal. I think, I always want to make the best of when I'm in -y and to really appreciate when I'm in +y - to continue the sine wave metaphor. I don't know, obviously, all that 2012 has in store for me. Every day has its troubles, but time doesn't stop. Before our eyes moments become minutes become days, then weeks, months and just like that another year's past. I honestly don't think "the world will end" in 2012. I do think it'll end, as all things in this life do, but I don't think anyone alive on the planet right now will come to see it. That said, I do see the virtue in living with the thought of finality in mind. Not so that it saddens us but so that it moves us; so that it drives us to cherish life and all that comes with.

I wanna greet 2012 with a good, firm handshake and spend it so that at its end it may initiate the goodbye hug, missing me as I shake hands with 2013.

the duplicate nature of all that is

2012-01-02T23:54:00.000+09:00

risen with intention, again the forceful fit
the hammer, heavy and slow at the zenith
swiftly, with a mighty blow, descends and strikes
and changes the form of it

that which dully bends at ease
from fires igniting its amber glow
as tho the tempered metal raged
with a soul that coolly knew its lot

there is science in the process (chains and bonds)
progress guiding unseen forces (strength and weakness)
but from the smith this is shrouded
he cannot see but the manifold light

the pounding clash is a heavy pain
from the burning sheet fly a hundred fire-starters
the resounding clang is a heady tone
in stillness its voice will still be heard

the echoes that, from the future, race
backwards in time, bouncing off the armor
the possibilities this tool bears at its creation
the purpose dripping off its length

now water, now steam - the fires stilled
the soul chilled in a violent restraint
they meet in a shallow gasp and hiss
hints of the heavy price paid in blood

all the secrets hidden in this blade
revealed in its flying through the wind
cutting all, nothing is safe, in rest stirring
torn is flesh, blood, bone, soul, spirit

2011: A Recap (part 2)

2012-01-01T16:54:00.001+09:00

2011: Part 2 – Japan

OK guys, how we doin’? Need a break? We’re halfway there now! Don’t worrythough, I think the second half may not take as long.
            I’ve already covered a lotof August in the two posts called Japan: A Beginning so I won’t go into muchdetail so as to not repeat myself. And for Pete’s sake those are a pair of reallylong posts in and of themselves! Long story short: Tokyo orientationfor 4 days was insane, jet-laggie, earthquaky and before I knew it I wasalready in Oda. After that: few weeks reading, playing games, being hot andsweaty, relaxing and unwinding from the whirlwind of the preceding few weeks.Finally: Shimane orientation where I met many of the crazy bunch of people Ilive close to and often enjoy drinks/jokes/singing/dancing with. Oh yeah, I gotmy phone right before orientation and with it a window back into the internet. Imissed it so!
            September is when schooland my life in Japan began proper. Did a speech in Japanese at opening ceremony,started doing classes with the teachers, sports festival and the following welcoming party was a blast and I metand started to get to know most of the people that are now a huge part of mylife. That is, the crazy Oda crew, the teachers at Ni-chuu, surrounding townJETs and last but most definitely not least, the student body at school; gottalove those kids, even the ones that don’t give a quarter of a rat’s fuzzybottom about English. School is interesting, everything is new, some studentsare funny, others are difficult, some are undetectable, the teachers are greatfun to be around and they make me wish I was already fluent at Japanese so Icould also joke around with them. I’m workin’ on it!
            The remaining months of theyear go by in much the same manner as September, really. Still just teachingand generally enjoying my time in great amounts. In October I’m starting tofeel a little more comfortable with Oda, school life and life in Japan ingeneral. It began to sink it that I’m really going to be here for a while allthe while time just flying by faster than I can even fathom. Honestly, it feelslike sports day was just the other day but it was actually 4 months ago! In Octoberthe kids had culture festival, which was also a lot of fun! Each homeroom chosea song and they practiced and practiced and practiced it for the chorus competitionthat takes place at the culture festival.
            By the time November rolledaround there were still some schools I hadn’t visited, namely the elementaryschool I visit a few times per semester. I finally got to go to it around mid-Novemberand it was great. While in junior high, it’s sometimes hard to get the studentsmotivated or excited about anything or to even smile, elementary school kidsare, in stark contrast, a savage bunch of happy, energetic kids that, for themost part, actually try to do well and want to play games and answer questionsand repeat after you! It’s not impossible in junior high but it’s often noteasy. I’m sure most teachers out there can relate. It probably also doesn’thelp that school is apparently quite difficult in junior high but hey, we alldid it, right? Just gotta try to relate and help ‘em get over themselves whennecessary, or something like that!
            Finally we round out theyear with the month that ended yesterday: December. It was a really feel-goodmonth. It’s finally now after several months that I’ve begun to feel, in someway, comfortable in the classroom. I’m still a little apprehensive in theresometimes but a lot of things are starting to become pretty commonplace and thepatterns are starting to show up. I’m slowly learning the kids’ abilities,attitudes, aptitudes and demeanor and most importantly, their names. I can’t tryto learn all of their names – I’ve got over 300 students – but I want to learnas many as possible. Names are powerful knowledge and also a sturdy bridge, notto mention a practical requirement in most any relationship. Also, they allknow mine so it’s only fair I try to return the favor.
            Right after the semesterended the teachers had the year-end dinner and party and it was WAY more funthan the one at the beginning of the semester. I should note that that one wasa lot of fun too. The main reason this one was better is because I now know alot of the teachers a little better and they know me a little better and so it’seasier to have fun, I guess. Also, more karaoke this time, which, as you know,is my favorite. Sad note: the school nurse ended her stay at the school and Ididn’t even realize it when she was giving her speech at the closing ceremonybut man was it sad. Needless to say, people everywhere were turning on theirwaterworks. I almost cried too. She’s a super nice lady and I’m actually reallygoing to miss her.
            Wow, there’s a lot to talkabout in December. Wrapping up, I just got back from a super amazing littlevacay in Tokyo. Had a ton of fun with Steph and Maggie and their friendsJanelle and Ally as we gallivanted about the city and hit up all sorts ofplaces. Check out my album in facebook for a peek at the photos I took. Like Isaid in a tweet recently, I was only in the city for a few days – not even aweek – and I already miss it. I really have to go again and have some more funthere. To give you an idea of how much going about we did, here’s a list of theplaces we hit up: Shinjuku, Harajuku, Shibuya, Akihabara, Roppongi, Ikebukuro, TokyoDisneySea, Ghibli museum, the Square-Enix store, the Evangelion store, the Pokemoncenter, and the list goes on, actually. I even got to have lunch with Kristenfrom Tiny Prints and her sister (who’s a JET like me) and their friend. We wentto a tonkatsu restaurant that our friend Kimi suggested and it really was someof the best tonkatsu I’ve ever had.
            There’s a lot of things Ididn’t even talk about but there’s really no way of saying everything and itwouldn’t be very nice to my poor, dear reader to make you read volumes of myoften uneventful life, which I’m very much enjoying. This past year, 2011, wasa year full of amazing things, saying goodbye to wonderful people, saying helloto friendly people, a year divided but that is really two halves of a whole lotof great things that happened to me. I’ve grown, I’ve changed, I’ve laughed, I’vecried, I’ve eaten like a pig and drunk like I’m more than thirsty. I’ve learnedeven more about myself, my friends, teaching, learning, Japan, and Japanese than Icould have imagined I would. And as 2012 begins, as we mark this new cycle ofour planet around the nice warm star God gave us, I’m thankful for what hasbeen, for all I have, and especially for what’s to come. I’m just gonna standatop this clearing and stare into the bright, blank horizon of the coming year,try and brace for the bad stuff, remember to enjoy the good stuff and reallyappreciate and be thankful for the great stuff.

2012, here we go!

2011: A Recap (part 1)

2012-01-01T15:37:00.000+09:00

Guess what! I want to listen to all the awesome newmusic I got thanks to my sistuz. (For reference I'm going to list it here:David Crowder*Band - Church Music; Innerpartysystem; Eisley - The Valley; AvrilLavigne - Goodbye Lullaby; she - Orion) Of course, what better way to listen tomusic than by sittin' down to write off a year's worth of life? That said, getready folks. This is gonna be another of the biggies so hanker down with yourfavorite warm drink (if you're in a cold place, like my room, for example!) andenjoy my ramblings!

Now, before I start (what, did you think I’d justlet you off without some more illogical preamble? Have you seen my blog’s name?I can’t even stop from interrupting even myself! XD) I’m just gonna apologize.To be sure, this blog and I have had a bit of a relationship. I’ve had it forseveral years and it really feels like every time I post something I includesome sort of rant bemoaning how few readers I have or how little I post – two thingsthat are bound to have some correlation. But, thinking about it with as clear ahead as I can have at the beginning of this brand new year, I’ve always used itas a personal writing outlet. Such a thing is, at its core, for the benefit ofmy own catharsis. Following that, though, is the fact that writing’s naturalprogression is communication in some form and it’s from that that stems myfrustration, minor and insignificant as it often is. The apology, then, is tomy reader in being forced to deal with my violent love-hate swing surroundingthis exercise in writing. I don’t do New Year’s resolutions, but I can getbehind having some impetus in regards to not complaining about audience orcontent around this blog.

2011: Part 1 – Pre-Japan

It makes sense to take this month by month but I’mnot really sure I can recall what happened within those particular time frames(my memory’s not that good sometimes) so instead I’m just going to kind of wingit as I try to be as sequential as possible.

In January I was already in the midst of theapplication process for JET. I just checked my emails to verify the date and itappears it was mid-January when I found out I got the interview for JET. As youmay or may not know, in 2008 I first applied to the JET programme and forwhatever reason, I didn’t get to the interview phase of the applications processso getting it this time was pretty much mind blowing. I’m certain none of youare strangers to how much I was dying to go to Japan so getting just as far as theinterview made me unfathomably happy. I was still cautiously optimistic becausegetting interviewed didn’t exactly mean I was going to Japan. Even then, I was,for once, confident in my placement. Maru-sensei, one of my favorite teachers(of all time), had such faith in my ability and prowess as a candidate for JET thatI just knew I could do it.

[Other notable things in January: Not much? Played a ton of games… actually2011 was a great year in gaming. If I recall correctly, I played through a tonof really fun/great games this year :D We’ll leave that for another post, if atall.]

This actually quite seamlessly leads into February,which is when the interview took place. Don’t recall much happening inFebruary, to be honest. The interview went pretty well, I thought, and so beganthe waiting game. Actually, the waiting game began when I mailed in theapplication back in October 2010 when I started the application. The gameclearly consists of a checklist where you have to wait some sort of vague spanof time between each item. I will now proceed to painstakingly delineate saiditems and spans of time up to this point and update the list as I go throughthe post. (The time in parenthesis is the wait time until the next item)

[X] – October 2010: Send Application. (~3 months)
[X] – January 2011: find out I have the interview with JET (~1 month)
[X] – February 2011: interview in SF (~2.5 months)

March 11, 2011 was when theTohoku earthquake and subsequent tsunami happened. The interview was in lateFebruary so I was quite fresh out of it and feeling closer than ever to goingto Japan. I still remember being at work and watching videos of peoplescreaming, of the swelling sea coming in, rushing into land and taking with itbikes, cars, boats and buildings. It was honestly frightful. The people thatknew I was planning and trying to go to Japan asked me what was going tohappen. I didn’t have many answers. I didn’t know whether JET was going tocancel this year’s applications. I heard of at least one JET who was in theSendai area who died. I did have at least one answer though: I still wanted togo to Japan. Something inside me wanted to be there even then helping however Icould.
Time went on and April cameand went. I can’t say I recall any particular thing that makes April stand out.Sorry, April! Oh, actually, I take that back. Imogen Heap’s 4^th albumbegan in the tail end of March and the first song from it came out in earlyApril. Love, love, love Lifeline and I can’t wait to hear the newest songcoming out real soon (she’s doing a song every 3 months). AND – wow, gottathank my sent e-mails box since it’s really helping this post out – it turnsout it was on April 17^th that I found out I was on the short listfor JET.

[X] – April 17, 2011: get into JET

Lemme just say, I stopped short of exploding rightthere in my chair at work when I got the e-mail. Suffice to say, I read itthrough a good 3 or 4 times just to make sure I wasn’t misreading it. I thenproceeded to tell my close circle of friends, family and a selection of people.I would then proceed to tell others as I saw fit. I’m sneaky like that. Wow,just remembering finding out is putting a huge smile on my face. That momentfor me was the consummation of so many hopes and the beginning of a future I’mcurrently living. I’m in the middle of the Japanese country-side staring outthe window of my apartment past the reflection I can’t see on my window. I’m inthis window, this door to the outside that is my current life in this country I’vepined for for years. Forgive me for waxing metaphysipoetical.

I love May. 1) It pretty much kicks of with mybirthday on the 2^nd – it always sneaks up on me, actually – and 2) it’salso the beginning of the summer, which is usually a fun season. May was when Istarted to put into action plans and efforts for The Big Move to Japan at theend of July. I also got my iPad in May :D Yes, it still rocks. It’s my Japanesevideo game playing companion so I can look stuff up and talk to my friendswhile I game. It’s the little things, folks!

June’s when I found out where I was placed for mystay in Japan: the town of Oda in Shimane prefecture. To be frank, I had no[insert expletive for color] idea where Oda or even Shimane were. I’d neverheard of the prefecture and quite possibly any part of it. It was a littledaunting to think I’d be living in a place I’d never heard of, even if it didhappen to be in Japan. I remember looking it up in google maps and thinkingsomething along the lines of “I’m in the middle of nowhere” or “country life… Ihope my body can take it.” Obviously, I was being the classic drama queen Iusually am but still had a positive outlook coz I was going to Japan! [Spoileralert: loving it here, wouldn’t trade it.] Seriously though, I was a littleconcerned because it is a rural area and I’ve never lived in a rural area butseeing as I was ready and willing to embrace the unknown by simply goingthrough with going to Japan, there was [and still is] nothing to be afraid of.

[X] – June 2011: find out where I’m placed (~1ish months)

July is when I kicked the preparations fordeparture into HIGH GEAR. I had, at this point, 30 days to get ready to fly2000 or whatever miles to my new home. I wanted/had to reduce the entirety ofmy belongings to things that I could throw away, give away, sell or take withme. I’d like to think I was successful, for the most part. Although there weresome things I ended up not being able to take care of. (SORRY MIKE) Let’s not eventalk about how I spent the whole night before my flight packing. Yes, the wholenight, didn’t sleep a wink. The span from about 6-8AM was the toughest ever tostay awake through. I seriously could not sit down for too long for fear that I’djust conk out. In these last few weeks before moving to Japan I:

- Sold my car

- Sold my laptop

- Sold my desktop

- Bought a new laptop

- Gave away a ton of clothes/things

- Sold a bunch of stuff at a garage sale (for stupidcheap coz I needed to get rid of it)

- Bought the best jacket I’ve ever owned (shout-out toHarim, holla!)

- Had as much pearl milk tea as I could – no regrets!

- Said goodbye to everyone I was possibly able to and hadprobably several too many farewell dinners that I feel guilty I got treated to.Thank you friends T_T

- Probably a bunch of other things, it’s all a blur

And this all culminated in…

[X] – July 30th, 2011: fly to Japan

(next part coming soon)

Ramblin' Times

2011-12-22T15:08:00.000+09:00

Ok, I'm gonna write coz 1) I have a few hours to kill, 2) I haven't blogged in way too long 3) I feel like typing on a real keyboard coz I do it way too much on my iPad or iPhone where it's really annoying and unwieldy, despite how good it actually is for a phone and a tablet. It's been almost 5 months since I moved to Japan. That's a month short of half a year and just typing that blows my mind.

This time I'm not gonna write one of those ridiculous updates I write that are like extremely long and annoying to read, I'm sure. So instead I'm just gonna ramble for a bit with whatever comes to mind! Why, it might be even more annoying to read. XD

And here's an idea: I'll do it in a list-ish format. You know, like with bullet points but more freestyle coz it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to, or use freestyle bullet points.

- First thought to pop into my head: My hands are really quite cold as I type this. You see, it's about 7 degrees Celsius outside, which puts it at 45 degrees Fahrenheit. Pretty sure it's exactly that temperature inside. Sure, I could turn on the AC and make it a little warmer but I just don't feel like it right now. I'll just have to type even harder to get my hands warm!

- Game I'm playing right now: Well, not right now right now, obviously, but I started Final Fantasy XIII-2 on the 15th (exactly a week ago, how 'bout that?) and I'm enjoying it a lot. It's in Japanese and I'm oftentimes surprised with how much I'm able to follow the dialogue. That said, there's a lot of times where I'm like 'I have no idea what anybody just said. At all.' The dialogue is also entirely voiced so I can't do what I did for Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword - which was beautiful and wonderful and everybody should play it. What I did with Zelda, by the way, was translate every bit of dialogue I didn't understand. It was great practice and it was also possible because about 99% of the dialogue is done in the oldschool RPG style where you have to proceed it by pressing A or whatever.

- I turned on the AC.

- How's your Japanese? Wow, ok, I'm embarrassed to answer this question. I mean, it's bound to have improved in some way or another since I got here. There's some degree of immersion going on, after all! However, it's certainly not where I want it to be. While being fluent is my goal, I do realize it's something that's going to take longer than a year. It's also gonna take me actually practicing. It's surprisingly easy to go through the day using very little Japanese. The teachers I work with are able to speak English so I generally default to communicating with them in English. Also, I'm classically shy so I don't go out of my way too much to converse with the other teachers. Also, something really interesting happens when I speak Japanese. When I write, my Japanese is actually pretty passable! However, when I speak it, for some reason it's like my IQ drops by about 200 points - yes, it moves to the negatives - and my Japanese is magically limited to a beginner or lower level in terms of grammar and vocabulary. I don't know how or why this happens but it needs to stop because it's absurd and unfair!

- Here, read this: mspaintadventures.com No seriously, go and do it after you're done reading my thing. Like, right now, middle click that link or ctrl+click it or whatever you need to do to put it in a new tab for later on reading. Just start it coz it's not finished yet and it's really good and the archive is already hella long so it'll take you a while. It's super funny (a bit slow at first so take your time) and also really interesting. The dude's vocabulary is incredible, by the way. Warning: profanity.

- Oops, went to reddit and lost about an hour or something!

- This post is already so long! However, I think I succeeded in both making it shorter than one of those super long update posts and also not making it one of those posts. If you read through all this rambling and any of my other ramblings I've done in the past you have my utmost gratitude. I do wish I wrote more often but honestly I'm just at a loss for something good to write. I do love to write though and am happy to just ramble so if you enjoy my rambling then ok! If not then oh well, the internet's full of other things to read and also the world at large. Yay!

Japan: A Beginning (Part 2)

2011-09-03T13:53:00.000+09:00

[I didn't explain this in the previous post but this and the previous one are ones I wrote last month while I was still disconnected :P]

August 18th.

Not sure what I’m going to write but I feel like writing anyway. I’ve officially been in Japan for about 18 days. It’s interesting though. My life is so different from what it was in July; from what it was two years ago or ever. There’s something about being in a foreign country that makes you think a lot. Introspection has always been one of my fortes, if you can call it that. But here, as much as my current situation affords an overflow of free time, which consequently leaves my mind free to deeply consider myself, I’ve found sometimes I just look out the window and stop thinking. There’s a big green hill right beyond the road behind my apartment, which my windows face. I guess technically they’re not as much windows as they are glass doors. In any case, maybe it’s the small-town…ness of it all that’s slowed me down. It’s likely partially the fact that “my life in Japan hasn’t really started yet.” That idea’s been my explanation for a lot of my feelings so far. Course, that’s not precise. I’ve been living here now for almost 3 weeks! But as it is, I have very little human contact, no “friends” and my job hasn’t really begun at speed. Students are still on vacation so there’s really very little for me to do. I do keep busy though. I’ve been able to catch up on a lot of the reading, gaming and even studying of Japanese that I’d put on the back-burner (and, to be honest, probably will once my life here “starts”). I’ve also been unable to communicate with any of my old friends because I haven’t had internet so that’s also given me even more time to myself. I’m hoping at least that bit will change tomorrow when I get my cell phone. Planning on getting as unlimited a data plan as I can get my grubby paws on *evil glimmer in his eyes*. As a side note, Japanese television is hilarious. I have access to 5 channels and from what I gather, 80% of Japanese shows are some form of variety show. I’d like to think this is not an exaggeration.

Actually, I’m gonna make a digression out of that side note. Japanese TV has occupied a surprising amount of my time. I honestly didn’t think I was going to end up watching much TV while I was here but lo and behold I’m actually starting to keep tabs on some shows. Namely, and to my personal shame, I’ve somehow gotten hooked on a show called 花ざかりの君たちへ　いけめん　パラダイス (hana zakari no kimitachi he ikemen paradise) and I wish I could translate that mouthful for ya. I was going to attempt a translation but I almost went all orz on the floor just now upon realizing what the title might be in English. (orz is an emoticon, imagine a person bowing down on the floor where the o is the head, r is the arms and torso and z is the legs, bent) Anyway, you’ll have a good enough idea when I tell you that the show’s about a girl that pretends to be a boy in an all-boys school. I first saw it because it’s the show right before the anime I like to see (which, incidentally is always at the same block of time in the same channel… and hanazakari plays every day). And now, for better or worse (read: worse. Definitely worse) I’m hooked. The show is so ridiculous in so many ways that I realize about 14 times per episode how much of a guilty pleasure it is and how cautious I’m going to have to be about whom I share my interest in the show with. Knowing me, I’ll tell everybody I talk to. I’ll run it through the English teachers before I talk to the kids about it though *cough*. Besides hanazakari, I’ve found Japanese television to be pretty darn educational! Did you know there’s a giant golden beetle in Indonesia? That electric poles here are numbered? That a giant bear about 3.5 meters attacked a number of villages in Hokkaido at some point in the past? That Japanese people are apparently ALL foodies? That I’ve seen the same ponzu commercial exactly nine thousand eight hundred and fifty two times (and counting)?! *phew*

I haven’t been too adventurous yet. I keep wanting to go try out a gyoza restaurant nearby but it’s just so against me to go to restaurants on my own. I suppose it can’t hurt, right? And the food may end up being extraordinarily delicious and make me become a usual and be friends with the owner and and… well, we’ll see about that . However, in the meantime I generally just go to the local combini (convenience store) or Pal (closest supermarket) when I’m scavenging for food. One of these days I’ll go to that gyoza restaurant, alone or otherwise! Time’s a-counting down though. Finally (hopefully) getting my phone tomorrow and then this Sunday I’m going to Matsue (Shimane’s capital) for the Shimane orientation with the rest of the new Shimane JETs! Should be fun even though I’ll have to wear a suit in good ol’ tropical summer weather again, hooray! And school starts the week after that! Can’t wait to give a speech at the school! Ok, I can wait. Forever, in fact. No, just kidding. Public speaking may not be one of my strong points but I’m really excited to start teaching and hanging out with the teachers and kids at school. I’ve been thinking about this going back to school thing a lot too. I think it won’t have fully sunk in until I have to get ready in the morning for that first day, butterflies in my stomach and all. I’ll be able to have lunch with the kids too, which is gonna be neat… until they make me try natto (fermented soy beans) D: It looks gross, smells gross and probably doesn’t taste great either but they gotta eat it for some reason, right? I’ll give it a try, I suppose…

Ew, I just remembered the mountain of e-mails and flood of tweets I haven’t read. Ok tweeps, please forgive me but I’m going to start at 0 on my tweets. To be fair, I may actually have the time to go back and read what you’ve been saying for the past few days but I think it’d be bad to try and go back to July 31st tweets and start from there. Not sure my body could take it. My emails though I will read in their entirety and answer any that need answering. Hopefully that won’t take a month to do as I’m sure I have at the very least over 100 emails and that’s probably a gross underestimation. I also won’t really have internet per se for another two or so weeks but at least I’ll be able to check my mail and twitter on the phone *crosses fingers*. I think I’ll leave it at that, friends. It’s already tomorrow (the 19th now) and even though I’m sad because I’ll probably have to miss hanazakari while I’m out getting a phone but it’s ok because I’m bound to have to miss it while at school anyway! Plus, whenever I get innerwebz I’ll probably be able to stream the episodes >:3 GUUUDO NAITOOOOO~~~~

Japan: A Beginning (Part 1)

2011-09-02T18:16:00.000+09:00

Today is August 9th, 2011. I’m in Japan. At the time of writing this, I don’t have internet. I don’t have a cell phone. I’m technically not yet working either. I’m channeling Emily Dickinson, instead: reading and reading and playing video games. Ok, so she probably didn’t do much of that last one but that’s because she was born when she did. Being a good hikikomori (look it up), she would’ve totally been all about the harvest moons and the WoW and what not. *ahem* Despite the tone the first few sentences of this passage may seem to carry, I’m not begrudging, in any way, my decision to come be a teaching assistant in Japan. Even my current situation I am trying to make the most of. I have already finished Half-Life 2 Episode 1 and am about halfway (or more) through inFamous, put several hours into Mass Effect and restarted Magicka. And that’s only on the gaming front. Though, to be honest, I’m only halfway through Lewis’ Mere Christianity. (I do so enjoy his writing)

I’ll backtrack a little bit and then meet again at the present, so as to update you, my friends, a bit more; give you a better picture of how and why we got here. Actually, the ‘why’ should be clear at this point so I’ll mostly skip it. So then, let’s go back to the beginning of the month. On july 30st, after a sleepless night of busy packing – of course, I had done oh so little packing up until the day I was flying – my dear (now ex-) roommate Mike and his lovely girlfriend Jing drove me to the airport for our goodbyes and my departure. As a note, I’d like to defend myself of the judgments I’m going to be rude enough to presume you had by saying I didn’t just leave packing to the last day out of laziness and procrastination. To be sure, there’s probably a time in which I could’ve done more towards it than the last day, but I would be lying if I said I had that many free moments in the 2 weeks prior to my leaving the US. Those last two weeks, I’ve been saying for a while, were the busiest I remember having. Ever. Well, at least so far. Even holidays at TP don’t quite compare, and that’s saying a lot! Of course, it wasn’t all work. I was busy meeting with people over meals and preparing all sorts of things for my leaving, not the least of which was doing things like selling my desktop computer, laptop and car – only the first of which was, thankfully, a painless and quick process. I must also say, I don’t regret all that in the least. I don’t really know how I could’ve done it any differently.

Continuing, my sleep deprivation ended up being quite the blessing. Sleep does not come easily to me when riding a plane but that 10 hour flight was made much shorter thanks to how horrendously tired I was after settling in with a nice pillow and a reclined seat. While we didn’t have the kind of seats that recline into a full bed, they did recline more than your average plane seats and made for just enough comfort for me to sleep several hours, if my memory serves me. The flight was largely uneventful and the food wasn’t stellar but it was well enough to suffice. We did eventually land in Japan and so began my feeling of bewilderment… and jetlag. At this point another feeling began to grow in me. It only got worse during Tokyo Orientation too. Snapping back, we get off the plane, go through customs, get our suitcases, cart them over to the busses (at this point I’m skipping a particular little hiccup which eventually came to nothing so I’m deeming it a moot point ;), gave them to the nice people that would ship them over to our future place of residence, got on the busses, got to Tokyo from the airport, checked in and finally got to rest up for a few minutes at the hotel room.

On the way to the hotel I noticed two things worth mentioning. One is that the climate was uncharacteristically cool for the area, something we can all be grateful for, especially the fellow JETs that were helping lead us where we had to go who had to stand outside all day. The other is that it was during this trip to Tokyo that I first began to have flashbacks of home when I looked out the window. Despite driving on the left side of the road, most of the greenery, and even some of the architecture, was strangely reminiscent of Puerto Rico. This is a perception that has since not died down but been reinforced the more of rural Japan that I see. Certainly, this is probably part of the culture shock phase they told us about during orientation where you’re still wearing your rose colored glasses and while everything is new, everything is somehow also wonderful, great, and very familiar to wherever you’re from. That said, the feeling I mentioned earlier that began once we landed in Japan and went on to be amplified and accentuated by the orientation is this: what have I gotten myself into?! ***Spoiler alert*** This feeling has, in fact, died down quite a bit so there is no need for alarm. Also, the only times I’ve so far felt homesick at all have come as a result of my having difficulty communicating and so are only reflections of my not wanting to work hard to do something that was quite natural and simple previously but I should’ve seen it coming and it’s really not that bad, when all is said and done. After all, this IS an adventure, and what good is adventure without a little danger and adversity?

Onward we go into orientation! At this point in our story it is July 31st and it’s actually not even the first day of orientation. However, since it is the first of only 4 days in Tokyo I’m just calling that whole ordeal/ride/madness orientation. Sunday night, my roommates (one of them the guy I sat next to on the plane) and I went out to get something to eat. We didn’t stray too far from the hotel since we didn’t want to get lost and were truly famished. After walking around the blocks nearby and eyeing the options we settled on a little ramen shop. It was quite delicious, or so our empty stomachs lead us to believe, and then I had Starbucks in Tokyo. Hell yes! That was one of my first starry-eyed moments in Japan so far. You can imagine why. Second day! Orientation went from 8:30 in the morning till about 8 o’clock at night. Maybe 6? In any case, I won’t bore you with the details. The long and short of it was it was serious information overload. Also, they gave us French fries during breakfast. Obviously, that night we went karaoke-ing! It was great fun. Actually, it was a freaking blast, hahaha! Could you really expect any less from me? Third day! Pretty much the same as the day before except this time a bunch of us from the 島根県(Shimane)* troupe went to have dinner together… and then we went karaoke-ing! During dinner was the first time I was part of a nomi-houdai. To those unfamiliar with the term, think buffet but of drinks instead of food. Yeah, there were people who were drunk before karaoke, where they had more drinks. And after karaoke, where they had more drinks. I’ll withhold their names but let’s just say, they weren’t the happiest campers Wednesday morning when we’re all flying out to Shimane to meet our new superiors. And with that, “adieu Tokyo” I thought as we flew away from the pretty lights and the bustling streets of the chilliest big city I’ve yet been to.

August 3rd we left Tokyo and the 8 of us new Shimane JETs flew to our new homes. That day, unlike the ever-so-kind, cool-ish weather of the day we arrived in Tokyo it was awfully humid and quite hot. At the airport all of our respective supervisors, most with sempai (senior) JETs came to greet us. They were all very nice and from the airport my we went to a ridiculously good Italian place in 出雲(Izumo, the city we flew into). Yes, yes, I know, why eat Italian when you’re in Japan? Why not, I say! And it really was quite good. The portions were actually not get-fat-and-feel-squeamish-when-you’re-done sized, believe it or not. From there we went to 大田(Ohda), my new home away from home… and directly to city hall where I met some of the bosses of the Board of Education! Thankfully, I wasn’t taken to meet the Mayor, as I heard some other JETs had been. After doing some paperwork, my supervisor stayed behind and I went with the two other JETs to get me some groceries at a supermarket. Don’t be fooled, friends. Ohda is a small town but it is not without its luxuries. Namely that supermarket that’s really more like a Target/Wal-mart than anything. And then they dropped me off at my new apartment! A little about the new place: it’s bigger than I thought it would be, fully furnished and I even have a great TV, YAY! The following day we did some more errands like opening a bank account but that night (it was either Thursday night or Friday night) the two JETs from before plus a third and a friend of theirs took me to a fireworks festival on the bay. Let me just say, Disney’s friggin imagineers have to come see this show. Not only did it last about a half hour, they had fireworks I’d never seen before. Cat fireworks, mushroom fireworks, 5-phase fireworks, by Jove it was stunning. Also, the food was ummmmmehhhhhhhh! (that’s Japanese for my-taste-buds-are-exploding-in-ecstasy, btw) One of the culinary fixin’s was a “French dog”, I kid you not. Dunno why they called corn dogs French dogs but hey, we call fried potato sticks French fries so there you have it. Incidentally, they did have French fries but they called it furaido poteto (fried potato, yup).

And since that day there’s been the odd human contact but for the most part I’ve hung out at home playing video games, reading, showering. Even exploring the town a little bit, by which I mean I walked around the block and then came home coz I was sweating too damn much. But hey, at least I scored a killer chocolate croissant and an awesome lemon soda on the way! HEALTH! And today, I even went to my base school and met the principal and the English teachers I’ll be working with. They were all rather nice, of course. So here we are, back at August 9th. However it will likely be a few days, maybe even weeks, before I am able to post this up on my blog since I won’t have internet for a while. Also, believe it or not, but I did leave a lot out of this retelling of the last few weeks but I’m sure you’ll agree this post is already quite long. In our next installment, I’ll probably talk about such titillating topics as: driving in Japan! Taking a train! Shimane orientation! More Karaoke! That speech I have to write and do for my welcoming ceremony at school! Food, food, and more food! Until the next one …which may or may not happen again before I have internet! XD

*Shimane is the prefecture I’m in, think a “state” within Japan… or just wiki it jeez! ;P

What Might Be Me

2011-05-17T10:18:00.000+09:00

The Longest Mile by Circa Survive

When I listen to that song—and it may happen with other songs but I was just listening to it and felt compelled to share this—it makes me feel as though I am somebody else. Or a sensation as though I remember somebody else's present, yet that person is me, somewhere else, somewhen else. It's a silly thing, but a curious feeling.

Catchin' Up

2011-05-15T04:46:00.000+09:00

Saturday morning while doing laundry and sipping "leche con Quik" (my signature chocolate milk—yes, I know it's Nesquik now but I'll never acknowledge it!) is apparentely the perfect time to write a blog post. I've got some hilariously bubbly j-electronica pumpin' in my headphones (band's Perfume, if you're curious). Now while it's pretty uncharacteristic for me, I'm gonna cut to the chase. In less than 3 months I'm going to be in Japan. I'll be starting a new arc in my life story (to those familiar with anime/manga jargon, you'll know what I mean by arc) as an English teacher in Japan. To be sure, I'm still here and it's 77 days away (but who's counting down the days, right) and there's still a chance something could happen to prevent me from going, but barring any unforeseen occurrences July 30th I'll board a plane taking me to an archipelago on the other side of the world. This is still sinking in but every so often it reaches a new depth of understanding within me and I realize how insane it is. In good and bad ways, it changes my life pretty much entirely. I'll be in a country I've only ever heard of and learned about, one that is thousands of miles from "home" with a language I only really started to learn at the age of 19 or 20, where the only people I'll know are the handful of new friends I'll have just really started to meet the day before departure. I'll have left just about everything behind: Puerto Rico, Rochester, Cleveland, Rocklin and Sunnyvale. Those are all distinct chapters of my life.

Going back to the arc analogy, I would say my childhood up to high school is 1 arc, one that lasted 18 years. The second arc would be my college years, including the year I spent in Cleveland and the time afterwards moving here to California and working at Tiny Prints, where if I wasn't leaving for JET, I would have been for 2 years this September. Yet this august starts a new arc. One that takes me farther than I've ever been from the place I was born. And who knows, maybe this chapter in Japan will be an omake and I'll just come back to California after one year and get on with my life as a web developer. I'll simply have a treasure trove of experiences of a year-long dream, a life lived in a land distant and separate. Or maybe I'll be compelled to stay, to make Japan my new home. It's no secret Japan has stolen some of my heart for quite some time. And I've talked about this before in my Divided Heart post last year (seriously can't believe it was that long ago by the way) but it seems as though I just can't settle. For better or worse, I've been relatively nomadic for the last 10 years of my life. It might be the stage of life or perhaps it's the budding of the wandering flower that is to be my life.

Needless to say, I am excited about going to Japan; to an extent qualifiers such as super, really, very, extremely or even ridiculously can't quite encompass the feeling. I've been dying to go to Japan ever since I started to get really into the language when I was learning it in college and for one reason or another I simply haven't been able to go. Yet in the last few years I realized I didn't want to just visit. I wanted to go and be part of the culture, inasmuch as a gaijin (foreigner) can do so. Of course, I realize it's not all puppies and rainbows. The economy all over the world is really suffering and there has been talk of cutting funding to the JET program so it may not even repeat next year regardless of whether or not I want to do it again. Not to mention the geological phenomena that has been plaguing the entire world as of late. Ever since January 2010 it seems you can't go a month without hearing about some place in the world having a strong earthquake and it was only 2 months ago that Japan went through one of the biggest if not the biggest earthquake in recorded history (or something like that). As for the radiation concerns everybody keeps talking to me about, all I've read from very trustworthy sources (you know, like the news, government officials, experts on the subject) is that some of what people hear is greatly blown out of proportion. Plus, I really don't think JET is sending anybody to areas where they would be greatly inconvenienced or where their life is in any way threatened. Speaking of which, I still don't know where I'll be teaching and won't find out until the end of the month, at the earliest.

I suppose this wasn't as much a catchin' up post as it was a me rambling about going to Japan post, hehe. Well enough, I say. For the record, I do plan on continuing to use this blog for my posts from Japan if and when I get over there so be watching out for these. I'll see if they happen at all though, considering "leche con quik" is probably gonna be hard to come by over there :)

TheME

2011-03-23T13:42:00.000+09:00

I think there's 2 major reasons this blog doesn't get updated pretty much at all. One is that I only have a handful of readers and that, despite my love for them, I don't feel like what I put here is worth either my or their time. The second, and probably more important one is that I just haven't the slightest what to put here. It was a good outlet for poetry but since I'm not really writing much lately (and again because of the audience) I feel like I need to either kill this blog or theme it. It's really not worth it being something where I post anything because, frankly, I end up posting nothing.

So here's my plight: tell me what you want to read from me.

And here's an awesome youtube video out of my favorites because those are always fun :D

eyes shut

2011-03-02T17:49:00.000+09:00

a stillness, shifting on the surface of the tense dead of night
rhythmic drumming passes by and through, eyes open and shut
there is more in this moment, a gravity stretching my shadows
the rushing stream, a running stream of red breathing
looking into the void behind my eyelids, a thought, sought, caught
weak light, pulsing in the black depths of my mind's eyes
open and shut, valves in my bloody core, chamber to chamber
desperate to empty, pushing out only to fill endlessly
coolly drawing in a quiet sigh in a late preamble
seeking inside, eyes shut, a darkening blank
falling, a cruel illusion secretly whispering the deep truths
atop this spinning, floating sphere, eyes open, still falling
eyes shut

Religion

2011-02-13T03:38:00.000+09:00

"But when sin entered the human race, it rendered everyone spiritually dead and thereby alienated from God. Our spirits were no longer able to unite with the Lord in close communion. However, Jesus came to pay the penalty for sin with His death, and now all who trust Him as their Savior are spiritually reborn. Their connection with God has been reopened through Christ (Eph. 2:1-5)."*

THAT's religion. When I was in twelfth grade I took a Christian education class (had to take one every year, I was in a Christian school) but that last year the material and content felt especially relevant. It's always bothered me that the word religion has been taken to mean our ritualistic devotion to God. Our teacher Mrs. Santos taught us that the meaning of the word comes from the latin:

re + ligare

re, meaning again and ligare meaning to link. Religion is, therefore, how the link between God and man is made. Going by Christian doctrine, the fall in the beginning caused the link to rupture and Jesus re-linked us to God. The point: Jesus is my religion.

* from Our Greatest and Most Rewarding Pursuit

Divided Heart

2010-07-06T13:44:00.000+09:00

I was about to practice some Japanese by reading (and translating) articles on news manga but had a sudden change of mind to keep trying to clear my mail inbox. Currently it's at 65 messages. I deleted a few off the top before I figured I should probably start at the bottom to make the process quicker and to check on things I had ignored for far too long. One such thing was an e-mail I had sent myself. A reminder that read:

"why not write a blog about traveling, friends in different places, going to Japan...?"

There went my plans to practice Japanese. I'd seen this reminder countless times but perhaps the timing, the fact that I saw it while about to practice made me think a little more and just go for it, write.

I just got back from a fun little vacation in Rochester, NY, visiting a bunch of friends from college. I hadn't been there since last May and it was really great. I honestly thought last May was the last time I would see a lot of those people. Ryan, Amanda, Bucky, Julie, Summer and others greeted me happily and I got a chance to relive the old days a bit. Of course, I also got to relive the awful goodbye and the thought that I may never see any of those people again. That said, because the vacation happened at all it gives me a little bit of hope that maybe I will in fact see some of them again in the future :)

However, Bucky, Ryan, Amanda and the others are only one group of friends among many that I love to hang out with and visit. Apart from my college friends in Rochester, I have my friends from (and not to mention my parents in) Puerto Rico, friends in Cleveland (and now Cincinnati, I'm looking at you Dillon and Kathy), friends in Virginia, friends in upstate California and then my peeps out here in the Bay area, to name a few. They say home is where the heart is. If that's the case, I have a home in all of these places and my heart is divided (therein the blog's title). My goal is to slowly but surely cycle through all of these places, seeing all the faces I've laughed with and doing fun stuff with old friends.

I can add to these places one particular location I don't have friends in... yet: Japan. Why bother with that one at all? Well if you know me at all you probably have some clue as to the attraction to Japan; attraction being a very loose term. One of my long term goals is to go to Japan. That is, not just go visit for a week or two (or three please, thanks) but to be there for 6 months to a year or maybe even more. I previously applied to the JET (Japan Exchange and Teaching) programme (<- yes they use this spelling) but didn't get in, much to my - and my Japanese sensei's - dismay. She thought I was a shoe-in and she would know as she's one of the official interviewers for the program. Alas, it was not meant to be, at least at that time. That said, that's not the only means of going to Japan, perhaps the easiest, but not the only way. I'm certain God's placed a calling in me for Japan so the path of my life will undoubtedly cross that land at some point. If He opens that door nobody will close it. I just hope I have enough sense to walk through it instead of by it!

In the meantime, I hope my friends wherever they are hold onto the little bit of heart they wrenched from me when we parted ways. I'll make sure to take care of the bit of theirs that stowed away in my suitcase when I left.

#ihsaratoga

2010-06-21T03:05:00.000+09:00

For those not in the know, the title of this blog is the hash-tag for the Imogen Heap concert I went to last night. As a quick aside, hash-tags are a phrase or word you put in a tweet so that when you search for it, you can find all the tweets that contain it. Anyway, hope you're comfortable coz this post's gonna be a biggie so grab a cup of iced coffee or pearl milk tea (jeez am I my audience? haha), put on some Imogen, sit back wrapped up in your snuggie and enjoy the show, vicariously.

I'm not one to start at the beginning, oh no. I start at the very beginning. That said, a brief history of my Imogen Heap fandom would probably be a good start. I will, however, try to keep it short as this post is about the concert. So yes, I first heard Imogen Heap, like many others, as part of the band Frou Frou; specifically, the song Let Go from the Garden State soundtrack. I owe this to my sister Emille and I am forever grateful. I probably don't need to tell you that it was love at first listen. The journey from that point to finding out about her album Speak for Yourself is a blurry one but I will say I anticipated that album like few others in my life. Some time later Ellipse comes out and some time after that Imogen's first tour for it. Here's a sad part: I missed her concert in the Fillmore last year. I was crushed but hopeful for the official US tour after she came back from Europe. All culminated in last night's show.

The drive up to the Mountain Winery is winding but beautiful. I only wish I hadn't been the driver so I could have just stared out the window to take in the sights from the side of mountain. The venue itself is a fantastic little place and it was the first outdoors concert I'd ever been to. At once refreshing and also the one minor drawback to the show, obviously at no fault of anyone, it was freezing. Not so much at first but after 2-3 hours in 48ºF, the occasional chilly gust made me quite shivery.

After getting to the Winery and paying $20 for parking (ouch), I made my way down to the theatre area and sat expectantly. Eventually Imogen made her way out and presented the first act: a fellow by the name Ben Christophers. He was a good start to the show with some smooth vocals and curious lyrics, backed by his excellent guitar playing. His voice at times reminded me of IAMX's Chris Corner, which is by no means a bad thing, and the songs he played were all pretty enjoyable. Before finishing he plugged his album up at the merch table but in a somewhat comical manner, barely saying it was over there and to buy it. He said he was terrible at selling things but he may've sold me on it just on that pitch. I do love my oxymorons. He then exit the stage, hugging Imogen on the way out and then Imogen presented what I was least ready for in the whole show.

Geese. All I have to say is that when Imogen "warned" that magic came out of their violins, I thought it was an exaggeration. Well, that's definitely not all I have to say. A young man and woman carrying violins stepped unassumingly unto the stage. They started gliding their bows on their violins, I thought tuning them but they kept going, eventually beginning to add effects to them. At a certain point they started to sound like wolf howls and then that mixed with a siren song, and this was just the beginning. Geese made violins sound like, not only how I've never heard violins sound but like things I've never heard in my life. At times they even sang (or blew) into the microphones in their violins to create even more impossible sounds. For a few songs they brought out Imogen's band's drummer and together made such a crazy amalgamation of noises and sounds that I wasn't sure I'd make it to see Imogen. The young girl in the band was adorable, ending her little spiel with a quaint "good-bye" and then they played one more song to round out their savage set.

After the violin storm, they walked out greeting Imogen and she then came out, silent but with a plastic tube in her hands. An avid follower of her vBlogs on youtube, I instantly recognized it. It's a sort of toy you spin in the air to make a sort of howling sound and in fact you can actually tune it! In classic Imogen manner she began looping various sounds. The howling tube, some oohs and aahs, the perennial mbira and so began taking shape the first song. As she continued to layer the various bits and pieces of the backing melody, in came trickling the various band members each one adding one more bit to the song until finally it hit me and I recognized it. The Walk! One of my favorite songs from Speak For Yourself and a most excellent start to the show. Once she started singing the first few words, "Inside out, upside down twisting beside myself", I was practically giggling in my giddiness.

From this point on, as much as I'd like to retell the entire show song by song, I simply cannot trust myself to remember neither the order nor the finest details of each performance so I'll do what is hopefully second best and recount some key moments or interpretations that still jump freshly in my mind two days after the show. Also, now's a good time to make yourself a sandwich because we're only about halfway done. :P Spoiler: the moral of this story will be that if you have not seen Imogen Heap in concert and get the opportunity to do so, you owe it to yourself to experience it. Yes, it's an experience!

After The Walk, the show continued to go from amazing, wonderful, beloved song to the next. Imogen Heap has discovered, and seemingly loves crowd-sourcing. Basically, it's using an audience to find answers, make decisions, you name it. She's done this through youtube and Twitter quite expertly. For this tour, she's been encouraging audience participation from before the show even happens. (We'll get to the in-show audience participation soon.) One of the finer points, I thought, was having a sort of poll for each show where you could vote on your favorite Imogen songs and basically help construct her set list. Here clearly hoping most people would gravitate towards the more popular songs, and that invariably happening. Despite not playing what may be my favorite of hers, Closing In, the set was absolutely fantastic and I could not have asked for more.

Earth was one such crowd-sourced song. For this one Imogen has had a youtube group where talented fans can upload a rendition of the backing vocals for the song Earth. if you've yet to hear it, Earth is an impressive feat: an a cappella song composed of at least 30 vocal tracks all done by Imogen. Because it would be, I imagine, too time consuming or strenuous to do this song on her own, Imogen decided to have her fans help her out and that they have. She mentioned this show's may yet be her favorite Earth performance so far. In walked two women. They were so very different but it was evident that it was that very difference that gave them the chemistry vital to being able to pull this off. With Imogen standing between them they began their bit and the crowd went crazy. They were utterly nailing it. Good show you two.

One of the more interesting surprises of the show was when Imogen mentioned something about the cold (this happened a lot, we were all freezing) and then said to bring in a fire, at which point the stage burst in flames(!), so to speak. That is, a projector sent forth the image of a fire upon the stage and most of the lights went dark as the song began to the sound of a particular piece of wood burning, its story having been told by Imogen moments before. At all this, of course, I thought she was going to play The Fire but as the song grew I knew it couldn't be. The Fire is simply a piano piece played to the sounds of that very flame (and hooting owl). But the song grew and the projected fire was joined by a multitude of red lights effectively dying the stage and stone wall a bright scarlet and I soon recognized the whispers of the beginning of Canvas. Arguably my favorite song in Ellipse, Canvas is a breathtaking piece with cryptic lyrics, syncopated guitar, modulating bass and beautiful harmonies. It was as much peaceful as it was overwhelming in the grandest sense of the word. I cannot begin to portray all this performance was but imagine seeing the stage lit up in red at night on a chilly eve.

Towards the end of the show Imogen once again pulls the audience in to participate as catalysts to her endless creativity. Throughout this tour she has been doing a unique improvisation act at each venue. She asks the audience for a key, be it A#m or E flat or what have you, a time signature like 3/4 or 6/8 and a tempo and comes up, on the spot, with a brand new song. This song is recorded right there and they do their mixing magic on it after the show and sell it to benefit a particular local charity. She said, however, that lately she's been asking an audience member for a melody instead of her coming up with it. Well I confess now that I was the idiot jumping up and down next to his seat at the chance to be called upon to have a melody of my choosing be immortalized by Imogen for a good cause. However, my greatest efforts were not enough to get her attention halfway across the theatre and my phone almost broke when it flew out of my pocket. I have no regrets!!! That said, she did a neat, upbeat song kicked off by some drums, which she claims she can't play but we all know better. The one she did for us isn't up yet but it will be in http://www.imogenheap.com/charity/ soon. In the mean time, do check out some of the others and definitely grab a couple to support the causes!

After this we were asked to stand up and sing, literally. Before the song, Imogen divided the audience in three parts and taught each a part of Just For Now. The three parts overlay into a wonderful harmony that backs the main vocal, which Imogen proceeded to sing over us. We were Imogen's track! She even taught us the rhythm part that goes on during the verse of the song. As the song winds down your hear the whole audience softly singing alone with Imogen in a diminuendo that gives any choir a run for its money. It's an exquisite experience being part of the creative effort behind a song, even if many have done it before you. Furthermore, because I love to sing, these little bits were like some sort of dream come true.

Tidal was yet another face melting number. According to the vBlogs, it was the hardest song for Imogen to get through in the writing process for Ellipse but it came out splendidly. It's an energetic, bouncy and fun song that the whole band seemed to be super into throughout. And then... at the end of the song for the rock solo of the night, Imogen steps off a little bit to get back her keytar and a pair of 80's sunglasses and vehemently ROCKS OUT while the lights go crazy effectively triggering the electric bursts in every synapse in my brain simultaneously causing me to explode, squee and smile so wide I'd put the cheshire cat to shame. Point in case, it was the show's highlight for me.

Immi ended the show on her now classic Hide and Seek. Unfortunately at this point in the night the wind was beginning to pick up and was messing with her harmonizer's microphone and causing the wind itself to get harmonized. For the record, Pocahontas, Imogen can sing with all the voices of the mountain. So even at great pains and excuses, everybody loved Hide and Seek and even here yet again we all sang with her the "ransom notes keep falling out your mouth" part at the end. A tender and vulnerable moment as we all froze on the side of a mountain singing together in the shivering seat and distorted, harmonized wind. A fitting end.

It was an amazing show, whose surface I've barely begun to scratch in this retelling. I didn't mention the glass harmonica she played or the ambiance during Little Bird but perhaps you should just try to catch a show ;) Imogen Heap, I'm proud to be a fan. Excellent show. Hope to see and sing with you again soon.

-Emilio

Twitterer's Block

2010-03-27T13:52:00.000+09:00

So, at the behest of my desire keep up with this darn blog, here's a brand new post! For whatever reason, I seem to have with my blog the same dilemma people often have with Twitter. "I don't know what to say" or "I have nothing to write about" seems to be a common deterrent for those trying to evangelize their friends into Twitter. It gives me the notion of being part of the audience listening to a lecture or some famous person and out of the blue you're given the microphone and asked to speak. Most are nothing less than nonplussed at this turn of events. Twitter would only be like that in the sense that your voice has the potential to reach millions.

Of course, the internet has that lovely veil of anonymity, which gives most the peace of mind to say some preposterous things with little to no repercussions. On the other hand, it also allows millions to experience the thoughts, trivial as they may be, of millions eager, or at least willing enough to share.

I have to say, though, one of the things that attracted me to twitter originally was the fact that the relationship in twitter need not be mutual. That is, as you may well know, you don't need to be followed by those you follow. And, of course, those you follow are under no obligation to follow you as well. That is why most tweeting celebrities follow a handful of people but have thousands, if not millions, of followers. I suppose the reason I was fond of this is because I, like presumably everybody else, want to be heard. And not just by my peers but by anybody willing to listen. I love sharing my knowledge and opinions and, given the opportunity, will gladly do so. In practice, however, this doesn't really turn out. My followers are probably 75%~ peers and 25% companies or groups interested in nothing more than gaining followers as a means to increases their follower count and push whatever it is they're promoting.

And just like that I guess I can't really say I have nothing to write about. It would seem in my case the process of writing is more about effecting the initial spark that births the fire in my brain than it is "having", so to speak, something to say.

[[Got opinions? Do you vehemently disagree with me or want to frame every word I said and hang it on the wall of your firstborn's room? Somewhere in the middle? I'd love to hear it! I <3 comments. Look I'm fishing for them right now! Look how many sentences with exclamation points I just used!!!]]

The earthquake and the deal with the devil

2010-01-15T16:40:00.000+09:00

This has been in my mind ever since I found out about what Pat Robertson said. If you haven't yet found out, Pat Robertson said that the earthquake that happened in Haiti can be attributed to its people having made a deal with the devil. Regardless of whether you're a christian or not, this is bound to sound some alarms in your head. I'm only echoing what others have said when I say that what he said is at the very least judgmental and at worst, well, anti-christian. Not even the best of us has an iota of the authority it takes to begin to imagine putting words in God's mouth or saying He did this or that for this or that reason.

Now, while it's true that Haiti is pretty much the Voodoo capital of the world, that doesn't mean everybody and their mom in Haiti practices it, and even if they did, that still doesn't mean they're better or worse people than the rest of us. Fundamentally, none of us are perfect which means if you gotta be perfect to be good, we've all failed the test. So his "justification" of the earthquake would also justify a meteor falling square in the face of the USA because there's people that have made deals with the devil. The point is, every country has both people that do good and people that do evil but beyond that, we're all the same needy people deep inside. Instead of pondering why God allowed such a terrible thing to happen in Haiti, we should think about what we can do to help them. At this point we can't do anything for the ones that died but there's still many more in the country who've lost more in a day than some of us have lost in our whole lives up to this point.

Here's an easy way, straight from red cross:
Donors can text "Haiti" to 90999 on their cell phone to send a $10 donation to support Red Cross relief efforts in Haiti. The mobile giving effort raised more than $3 million by Thursday morning, and all money raised goes to support Red Cross relief efforts in Haiti."

Venting

2010-01-01T06:00:00.001+09:00

While the logical thing to do would be to make the last post of the year one that is hopeful and bright. I am going to be venting while on the verge of a pity party with just a dash of self-loathing. If that doesn't sound like what you want to read right now, and of course it isn't, here's a perfectly wonderful place you may go to instead: KIbK.

For the brave souls, or those who like rants, or those who like hearing about my unhappiness, congratulations on continuing to read. Here goes! If there is one thing I would rather be doing right now than blogging - well, if you've spoken to me in the past month, you'll surely know what it is - it's playing Final Fantasy XIII. "But Emilio, why aren't you?" you ask. Magnificent question, dear reader. The story is as follows: after ordering the game on November 19th, knowing full well, of course, that it would be coming out December 17th, I excitedly began my wait. At the time, I gave little to no thought to the fact that choosing Air Bubble shipping would cause this much pain. Waiting 5-10( or 14?) days really didn't seem so bad on November 19th. Peering at the calendar, if the game was shipped on the 17th, which, by the way, it was, (sorry for the comma storm) then going by the minimum of 5 days, it would only be the 22nd when the game would arrive. Even going by business days instead of actual days, that would've meant it arrive on the 24th. Now, I'm not dumb and I realize it's the holidays so of course it would take a while longer. Going by that, the 10th day would've been the 27th and still nothing. And in business days, today would've been the day. Again, my mailbox had such wonderful tidings as a letter that wasn't for me and the Sunnyvale newsletter, which I should probably care more for but am currently hopelessly unable to do. At this point, despite the fury that follows the initial disdain with which I have closed my mail box day after day, I am trying to keep a cool, level head. So I try to understand why it would be taking this long and one of the first things to pop into my head is that it may've been lost. Another is that perhaps they couldn't fit the package in my mailbox so they put in one of those salmon colored cards (is it beige or maybe off orange?). Well, although I often get 9 centillion (look it up, it's a real number) ads and coupons in my box, I always look through them scanning for the card that may have been. Oh, I forgot to mention that the packing method I chose, so as not to pay 17+ extra dollars, has no tracking. Anyway, no such card has shown up, or if it has shown up and I somehow missed it among the 9 centillion ads, it's not like I have a real way of checking if it truly came.

So here I am on the last day of 2009, writing an angry/sad blog about how frustrating it is that this game I have obsessed over this entire year, in addition to anticipating for 3 before it, has not yet come. From this point in the blog there are several directions in which I could go. I could write about a) how unsettling it is for me that I care so much about a video game; b) how a coworker has had the game since last Monday; c) how the last 3 days would've been the perfect day for the game to arrive; d) how I obviously have other things I could do to pass the time but really just want to play the darn game; e) how it appears everybody else around me already received their Christmas gifts except for me; f) how much I regret not getting 3 day shipping but how there's no way I could've really foreseen it taking this long even though it probably should've been obvious considering the holidays. Alas, I won't talk about any of those topics. Not that it matters what I talk about in any of the posts on my blog. I have 0 readers.

I think it's time for some comfort food.

The meadow

2009-12-31T12:02:00.000+09:00

The meadow's lark tries in secret
The meadow's lark flies in secret
The meadow's lark lies in secret
The meadow's lark cries in secret
The meadow's lark dies in secret

verdant scene

2009-12-10T10:50:00.000+09:00

a thrust through the thick bush
a garden replete with a lucious covering
a pierce and swing, unlocking the door
gateway of vine, gently, loudly, quietly yielding

stepping in green tinged light
carefully treading the lilies
lilies not for graves but offerings
wild sylvester sprinkled in the gaps

heaving, bleeding, the pause is untrusted
the chase has been ruthless
rustling leaves and cracking branches
trembling respite breaks again

new sweat drips down the brow
conscious stillness and tempered focus
the sounds flow in an outward march
the secret dome mutes the sigh

clear water mirrors a blinding sun
a safer rest sinks in with each drink
the sweat rolls down the chin and falls
a thundering echo booms through the wood

the heart flits in exasperation
the gaping hole, a fount of blood
air is for naught, light is for naught
every drop of life feeds the lilies

What's-her-face

2009-10-27T00:03:00.003+09:00

I've reached a curious point in my knowledge of Japanese. I understand that learning a language is an ongoing process and I've a long road ahead of me even now. However, I've entered a stage that is somewhat unnerving, if not a little bit frustrating. I can best explain it, perhaps, through a metaphor. Whenever I see or hear Japanese now it's as though I'm seeing somebody I've seen a lot in my life for the past few years. This person is awfully familiar and I'm sure I know them. Her features aren't too clear but I can certainly notice some key aspects; the color of the person's eyes or skin tone. Yet within that perception, I'm entirely unable to remember her name. I have countless experiences with this person and I'm sure she's a big part of my life but I can't say I really truly know her. We're just acquaintances, as far as I could tell.

Socially speaking then, I've probably reached the point where it's awkward to ask that person's name because I really should remember it. Of course, that's not exactly the case with the language itself. Instead, I'm at a loss trying to figure out how to get over the hump, so to speak. The other day I was listening to some Japanese music (中島美嘉 if you're curious) and it just hit me that I was understanding most of the words but I just couldn't piece them together to form a thought and thus missed the whole meaning. That's where the above analogy came from. Now, that might just be an effect of it being a song and there not being natural inflections to the lyrics, not to mention they are lyrics so there's a chance they make limited sense on their own. However, the same things seems to happen more or less to the same degree whenever I hear dialogue in a japanese video game, for instance.

Maybe what I need is just to spend more time listening to things in Japanese. At least until it reeeally starts to sink in. Maybe that'll just keep me at this level forever! I should just try to find somebody to speak and practice with. I have the sneaking suspicion that might just be what I need to get through this point. Now to actually finding this kind of person... and then hopefully remembering their name!

The Death of TaT

2009-10-12T11:54:00.003+09:00

I've recently gotten to thinking I ought to write about topics other than myself in this blog. However, despite that initial statement, this post is about me. Particularly it is about my nickname: TaT. I suppose it's only fair I explain the origin of TaT for what to me appears the millionth time. Of course, as this is not casual conversation I can actually take my time and give a fuller, more detailed account.

What normally occurs when people ask me about the peculiar name I give is as follows. There's a chance people will begin by asking if it's because I have tattoos. Upon learning that I don't, I generally begin by explaining that TaT is a shortened version of Tatito, "which is my nickname back home." People then invariably ask me what Tatito means, or where that came from. To this I reply explaining that Tatito is the minuscule of Tato, which is, apparently, the nickname naturally given to Emilio's the way Roberts become Bobs and Richards become Dicks, though there may be other reasons certain Richards become dicks :P. The whole Emilio -> Tato thing I only came to know fairly recently. I back that up by relating that my father's name is Emilio and as it's the same as mine, we are both Tato but I am little Tato, thus Tatito.

The next logical link in the chain is how Tatito became TaT. Simply put, I dropped the -ito, and while normally that would revert it to Tato, I liked the ring - and particularly the symmetry, or perhaps balance - of TaT. Now for shortness' sake I often leave it there and people are commonly content with that explanation, as it is already rather lengthy. However, there is more to the story. You see, this change isn't recent. I've been using the TaT moniker since high school. Initially it was the most recent of a string of screen names I used in the MSN Messenger instant messaging client. Previous examples include, much to my dismay ( though I can chalk it off as junior high awkwardness), DragonScythe (as the earliest I can remember and which inspired a short-lived and never finished fantasy novel I had begun to write) and CookySpooky (as the weirdest I can remember), which incidentally has made a comeback as my user name for youtube.

For quite a while, TaT remained as nothing more than my MSN nickname since I didn't have many friends outside of school and I had been Emilio to the ones I had for far too long for them to call me anything else. It wasn't until I started going to youth group at a new church that I was able to give naming myself a go. This was the first time in my life I was introducing myself with no one to recant my claim, which, mind you, makes all the difference. And so, I called myself TaT and somehow it just stuck and people actually called me by it. A comical side effect of said quasi-truthful introduction was that it was several months before many people at that church came to know my real name. Needless to say, I was greatly amused. Ultimately I got so used to be called TaT by English speakers (the youth group was of an American-style church) that when I went to college in the US using TaT to introduce myself was nothing less than a no-brainer. And that's about as much as you could ever hope to know about "TaT".

So back to the point of the post. The other day I was driving and thinking to myself, as I often do when I drive, that the number of people who still call me TaT are people whom I am not in contact with on a very regular basis. In coming to the Bay Area to work at Tiny Prints, I have unconsciously - or so I tell myself - left TaT out of most of my introductions. It goes without saying that for the past month or so I've been meeting a great deal of people.

Probably the strangest part of it all is the fact that I think I might be ok with not being called TaT. It's partially linked to the fact that I've always kept TaT out of my professional life. As an aside, I'll add that "TaT Gandara" is one of my biggest pet peeves. TaT is strictly and exclusively a stand-alone title. Like I mentioned earlier, in school I was always Emilio and even in college, I was only TaT outside of the classroom. In fact, this came to cause some confusion when I shared friends whom I had met within and outside the classroom so that one knew me by TaT and the other by Emilio.

In any case, said confusions have never bothered me. Yet now as the numbers stagnate and even dwindle, I wonder if TaT is beginning to take part in my permanent history and strictly inhabiting my past. I've even gone as far as to wonder 'have I outgrown it?' but the very thought frightens me. I need no further reminder that I'm not getting any younger, even at such an early age. And then I ponder if I, in fact, wish to continue to be called TaT.

For better or worse, there have been recent developments leading to a prolongation of TaT's livelihood. At Eric's (my sempai* at work) church one of the members came to know of TaT during our conversation and in a move very much like how Osaka from Azumanga Daioh got her nick name,

announced to the congregation that I shall henceforth be known as TaT instead of Emilio. I could naught but acquiesce though I can't say I have any true complaints :). Meanwhile at the church in Redwood City, it's rather a mess with me sort of going back and forth adding the TaT part of my introduction only half the time. I suppose I should just pick one, but I am inclined to use Emilio as there isn't that much youth in that congregation. ...Perhaps, seeing as how my litmus test has become there "being much youth", I really might be outgrowing TaT.

So for now, at least, TaT still is alive and kicking. I do believe, however, that so long as I keep in touch with my Rochester, Cleveland or Rocklin friends (and particularly my family, as my nephews are growing up getting to know me as TioTaT), I shall be TaT. Or Tatticus, TaT the rat, Tatterclese, Rattatat-tat...

*sempai (先輩）is Japanese for superior/senior often used in school or work settings.

Gar

2009-10-05T14:08:00.003+09:00

At the risk of getting sucked into it and not going to sleep until much later, I feel a sudden urge to write... which I will not listen to! Honestly there is a lot to say but at the same time that feeling is overwhelming me and it'd take way too long to write out everything I want to. So, this quick note is for the sake of populating my blog even a tiny bit. And, while not an apology, perhaps this intent will eventually turn into a huge long post in the future with everything that's been this past month. Then again, maybe not.

I'll stop now before I keep going!!!

I'm back!

2009-09-16T14:03:00.003+09:00

Gah! After calling last wednesday - although really I should've called the previous Saturday - and setting up the earliest appointment they could arrange for me, which happened to be the following Monday(!!!), I now have internet at home. It took me all of Monday night just to catch up with everything but now I'm able to relax and had a good hour long kanji practice. It took that long because I settled a little issue I had with Bank of America, or rather logging into my online banking with them.

That's pretty much all I really wanted to say so I'll just stop it here but leave you all with a most amusing link:

Body Paint*

*Don't worry, no nudity ;)

Interval

2009-09-02T14:22:00.003+09:00

This morning I officially had my application for the apartment denied. This afternoon I officially signed the lease and paid for and got the keys for the apartment. It's been a long day. Now let me go over the journey between the A and B I just disclosed.

It's important to note that the apartment in question is actually different for each statement. The apartment I checked out last Tuesday is the one that I got denied, the one in Palo Alto. The second one is the one in Sunnyvale. After last Tuesday I left the leasing office with high hopes for the apartment I'd seen and had done the application for. It would only be like 2 days before they approved the application and sent me the lease to sign and then I'd be moving in today. On Thursday, however, I call up and they tell me the application was denied. I'm really surprised but apparently it's because I subleased at Park Point and so they didn't have some sort of record of me living there. I told them about my subleasing there and gave them my Crittenden Court address and they said they'd check again and it probably wouldn't be a problem. They told me to call back the next day and so I did.

Ring.... Ring... Ring... And it goes to the answering machine! I tried a few times and eventually left a message to give it some time. Later that day I still hadn't heard back so I figured I'd try again on Saturday. I ended up not calling on Saturday since it was a pretty busy day (see previous post) and a lot of it I spent on the road so I didn't want to use the phone. I tried calling again on Sunday and still couldn't get through so I left another message. I believe it was on monday that they told me their phone system was down all weekend. Figures! Finally, it wasn't until this morning that I got an e-mail back saying my application was denied and that I would be called by a guy to be told why. At this point I wasn't sure what to do but I figured I had to try to find a new apartment somehow. I couldn't bear to try to once more push back my starting date at Tiny Prints so I could only try as hard as I could to find a new place quickly. Coppelia said I should try to appeal the denial somehow when I get a call from the guy. I didn't want to bank on that though and so I got on Rent.com and sent out a bunch of requests. Well I got an e-mail from one of the places before the call came and I called them and set up an appointment for today. Rent.com didn't have pictures of the apartments themselves or even floor plans so I figured I had to go check it out. I eventually got the call from the guy and turns out they hadn't done the second check with the new information yet. The guy said he'd try it out and call me back in a half hour. A half hour passed and he hadn't called yet so I decided to just head down to Sunnyvale and check out the apartment I made an appointment for.

Suffice to say, the call from the guy never came. On the way to Sunnyvale another of the apartments called but I couldn't even see those because they were 'affordable housing', which you don't qualify to live in if your AGI (adjusted gross income), if I'm not mistaken, is higher than a certain number; and mine was. In either case, I got to the apartments with no problem and proceeded to check it out. It was bigger than the one I'd seen with pretty much the same amenities. Only 20 bucks more per month but for almost 200 sq. ft. of extra space!

The landlady was going crazy trying to be at 10 places at once on top of trying to deal with me. There was a bit of hubbub going around in the place because they were installing new toilets on the entire complex. After the little tour, I decide to seize the opportunity and seal the deal. The landlady and I went to the office to go through the application and do all the paper work. After we had it all done she gives me the total I have to pay to finalize the process. I was ready to pay up with a personal check but apparently they don't take them so I have to go to a bank and get a cashier's check or money order. She says that's fine and tells me how to get to a Bank of America.

I get to the bank and realize I don't have enough money in my BoA account to get the money order. I try to take what I need from the Key bank account but it won't let me take out all I need at once and that any more exceeds the maximum I can take out in one day. After trying several things and nothing working out I eventually give up and call the landlady again to tell her I guess I'll just have to come back some other time and pay up and sign the lease. Note this would have to be a day separate from the move in day and I was very unhappy with having to do that. Surprisingly she says the application already got through and the lease is ready for me to sign it. Furthermore, upon hearing that I can't come up with the full deposit she shows an unnatural amount of generosity dropping the deposit's amount to half of what it originally was and saying that would be fine. God's favor for sure! So I happily go back into the bank (for the 3rd time) and get the cashier's check and head back to the apartments. I signed the lease and gave her the deposit and she gave me the keys. Just like that! I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't have to come back for anything before moving. Next time I go back to Sunnyvale to that apartment it'll be with all my stuff :D.

So in less than 24 hours I went from having no apartment and no leads to signing the lease on a completely new apartment and being completely set to move in! And not only that, it's bigger and closer than the one I'd look at previously. Now I'm really excited to move and start my new job. That'll be a whole 'nother adventure to look forward to, I guess.

Wicked

2009-08-31T14:05:00.002+09:00

Coppe, Adam and I went to see the play Wicked yesterday and let me just say, I was blown away. The music was excellent, the scenography was unbelievable and the acting and singing was top-notch. Now, I don't really go to musicals a lot so I'm not a good judge/critic but I was really impressed and just instantly loved it. I now want the soundtrack and I'm longing for there to be a movie made of it, which, by the way, I checked and there does seem to be a movie in development so... yay!

For the record, I've never seen Wizard of Oz but I know the general story so I hope I didn't miss much from the musical because of it but even if I did, I loved it. Even halfway through it as it went into the intermission, I felt as though the $40 tickets were already worth it. I could've left happy at that point and there was still over an hour of play left! Thinking about it, the only drawback about the movie is that it's going to have to be shorter and I'm already dreading what they'll cut out of it.

After the play, we left San Fran and were gonna go have dinner and get some chairs at IKEA so we decided to go to the one near San Fran. Well it turns out it was my first time at IKEA and I thought it was great. Everything is surprisingly cheap, and also, one thing that amused me was that all of the designs had names. Even a plates and cups each had their own design and name. That and just about everything was pretty cheap. So now I'm pretty psyched that there's an IKEA across the street from where I'll be living, if I do, in fact, end up living there.

And so, here's a video of a performance from the Tony awards of a song in Wicked.

Transitioning

2009-08-28T10:37:00.003+09:00

Job? Check.
Car? Check.
Apartment? Pending.
Two out of three's not so bad :D The apartment application is going through a bit of a bump but I'll just do what I can do and trust God with the rest! Tomorrow's officially my last day working for Sherwin-Williams. It sure feels weird thinking that chapter in my life is drawing to a close, and so unassumingly. It almost feels like after I left in November of last year the chapter indeed came to a close and up until now has just been some sort of epilogue. I'll be mailing the work computer back tomorrow and saying good bye to the people at Sherwin.

Speaking of connections in Cleveland, yesterday I got to see Dillon and Kathy who are on their uber awesome road trip honeymoon! We caught up over dinner and dessert and I'm super glad Rocklin was on their way down to San Franciso, where it just so happens I'll be going with Coppelia and Adam (sis and her hubs) to see Wicked on Saturday.

Speaking of San Fran, I'm so excited to be moving down to the Bay Area. I'll be moderately close enough to San Fran to visit it on a regular basis, which I plan to do to hit up Japan Town :D I seriously gotta check out Kinokuniya (japanese book store in Japan Town)! If I move in next Tuesday that week will be a sort of Vacation for me as I won't actually start working at Tiny Prints until the 8th. So I even get a long weekend out of it! :D I'm pretty excited about the apartment though, it's only about 10 mins from work and it's across the street from an Ikea and a Best Buy! Plus, it's got a trendy fireplace. TRENDY. FIREPLACE. Haha, granted that's not really that big a deal to me but it's funny. I do wish I had a dishwasher but I guess I shouldn't be such a lazy bum. Living with my sis sure spoiled me in that sense.

Speaking of dishwashers... just kidding. I've been listening to Ellipse by Imogen Heap (see previous post) a whole lot. Actually, I'm listening to it right now! I love it. It seems I'm having a bit of writers block today so I'll quit at this point and blab about something else at some other point. My mind feels extremely busy lately and right now it's not really helping to write so yeah, gonna step off for a while. Till next time readers :) jaa, ne!

Ellipse

2009-08-18T07:58:00.000+09:00

To those of you waiting as expectantly as I:

Work Ethic

2009-08-17T14:34:00.003+09:00

This one might be a bit of a long one since I'm going to philosophize some. Tonight on the way back from getting some Baskin Robbins Adam, Coppelia and I had a conversation that was very controversial amongst ourselves. It started with me harping on about how I delight in being given sign duty when setting up for Origin. You see, sign duty includes putting up the signs on both sides of the street right next to the church, obviously pointing to the coffee shop (where Origin takes place). Now, when most other people do sign duty, they put the first one on the closer side of the street and then jay-walk to the other side. My method includes putting the sign on the closer side of the street and then going all the way around through the traffic lights like a good pedestrian. I could excuse myself saying the reason I do this is to follow the law and to not get hit by a car, if at all possible. However, I practically boast when I say that the real reason I go around is so that I take longer doing the task, which pulls me away from doing other tasks during set-up. I refuse to do work begrudgingly so instead I find sneaky ways such as this one to, in a sense, minimize my work. In most areas of my work ethic, as I am partially of phlegmatic temperament, I tend to seek appearing busy with menial or unnecessary tasks (or just standing around) until being given an actual task; usually this task is given me by somebody with a choleric temperament.

What's this I speak of temperaments? I'll digress here for the sake of fleshing this out and I believe it'll help the point. According to (correct me if I'm wrong) the classic greek scholars, there are four temperaments: choleric, phlegmatic, sanguine and melancholic. In a short, catchy nutshell, the four temperaments follow these stereotypes:
choleric: if you wanna do it right you've gotta do it yourself
phlegmatic: I'll just wait here till somebody tells me what to do
sanguine: classic type a personality (talkative, social people)
melancholic: classic type b personality (introverted geniuses)
As I mentioned earlier, I tend to let the phlegmatic side of me control my work ethic. So I generally don't take initiative on things waiting for the choleric people to give me tasks and instructions because, frankly, I am certain that upon taking initiative to do a task, the choleric would scold me for doing it a way different from how they would've done it, despite it having been done correctly.

The reason I'm even blogging about this is because it makes me feel guilty to look at things this way. Going into a full-time job soon, I definitely want to do my best, excel and be a good employer. Now, my personal experience has been that, in spite of my general attitude towards things, when it comes down to it, I focus and get things done as quickly as I can and to the best of my abilities. In retrospect, it feels like even though I say all these things about being a lazy bum and having no initiative, I'm a good employee who is really good at following directions and generally getting things done. Of course, there are certain aspects of my work habits that I've worked on, such as making more calls on my own when I'm not sure how to do something, rather than just ask a superior at every step of the way. Perhaps this is because I have spent more than a year working at Sherwin (can hardly believe it's been that much already). Maybe it's something I've been able to improve in general.

Another thing that bothers me is when people tell you 'oh, you have to give 110%'. Other than the fact that that's impossible because 100% is the same as all you have and you certainly can't give what you don't have, it bothers me that in this capitalist world where you build empires with your own two hands, every employer expects you to give 110%, 100% of the time. This is asking you to give more than you have and thus more than you can give - at all times. If this is not the ultimate recipe for burnout, I don't know what is. I even question the notion of giving all you have at all times. Prioritizing is key in the work world. Even on a race, isn't pacing yourself one of the most important things? Why should it be different in your work life? You run harder and faster in the moments when you know you have to. You push yourself up to 100% when you need to. However, why shouldn't you pace yourself when doing tasks at lower priority? Don't get me wrong here though, I'm not saying half-a** it! I think mediocrity is unacceptable if have the ability to perform.

Going back to the deal with the Origin sign, sure, I could very cautiously jay-walk to save time with the second sign so I can sooner get back to helping, thus increasing my effectivity. However, on any given night, Origin set-up doesn't lack enough hands that we fall back on schedule far enough to merit cutting those minutes out of 'my' helpful activity. To illustrate the point from the last paragraph in this example, if jay-walking to get the signs up as fast as possible is giving 100% and walking around to get them up is 70%, while the case for giving 100% exists (desperately needing the time I would save), the merit for breaking the jay-walking law is rarely in effect.

Ultimately, this is my inspected method of thought and task handling and, to be sure, it is not some new work psychology and is not how all work should be observed. [Is this a disclaimer? haha] Making efforts to answer my own question, that of whether I am wrong in thinking this way and that regardless of how my personality is I should strive whole-heartedly to burn myself out by attempting to give more than I can for everything (skewed point of view), I lean towards saying that if it's not broken, I shouldn't try to fix it. Of course, this does not mean I will not attempt to be excellent in my work or that I will refuse constructive criticism and that I'll purposefully sabotage my motivation to improve. I strongly believe this can all be achieved within the boundaries of my method. For example, there have been many times where I am given busy work at Sherwin. Normally, my approach towards it is to assess several aspects of the task, such as difficulty and time required for completion, and, according to my other priorities, tune my effort to complete the task in a timely, effective manner. So on a particularly slow day where I expect no other work, I would take all the time necessary to do the task in a calm, effective manner (go around the street through the traffic lights). If something unexpected happened such as getting an important or urgent task all of a sudden, again depending on the priorities, I would drop the current task and work on the pressing one or work harder to complete the current one in a timelier manner to get started on the new one. This would then be akin to us being short-handed at Origin and needing me to get back quickly from setting up the signs. Perhaps these situations wouldn't turn out or work exactly this same way in real cases but I do believe my method has some merit.

If you will, it would be good to know what you have to say. It would be fun to start a conversation in the comments. I absolutely do not expect everybody to agree with me and I fully expect people to find loopholes, incongruences and the like in my method and question me to no end, but, like I said, this is how I currently see my work ethic. This new job is sure to stretch me and I'm looking forward to seeing how it will prepare me for the work I will do in Japan when the time comes.

Offer

2009-08-13T12:13:00.002+09:00

Sitting on the futon couch I call my bed while I watch Advent Children in Japanese (with Japanese subtitles, fortunately) I multi-task enough to IM with some friends and write a blog. I feel pretty much obligated to write this blog because of what happened today. If you're one of the people who read this blog you might already know the news. To keep it short, today I got an e-mail with a job offer from Tiny Prints! Looks like what I came to California to do has finally happened; or at least an important part of the chain. In the coming weeks I'll be working hard to figure all the logistics out. Finding housing, getting a car, figuring out what to do about the payments and occupation of my previous apartment in Rochester... all that good stuff. It'll be an interesting few weeks leading up and a whole lot of transitioning. I like changes like these, exasperating and daunting as they may be but I know God's got my back. I don't know if this job is a step in the direction of my mission to Japan but I'm not even a quarter of a hundred years old. I still have a lot of time to do what I can do. I just gotta keep moving forward and let the Lord lead my steps.

Decision

2009-08-04T01:56:00.002+09:00

Yesterday I was talking to Coppelia before setting up for Origin (night church). I was telling her that I'm just not feeling it about the interview this week. I remember saying 'I don't know what I want' and feeling tired. Later that day, after a very powerful and challenging message from pastor Mark we went home. In bed I began to have a 1 on 1 with God. I don't exactly remember if it was at this point or a little earlier at night that I realized I knew what I wanted all along. I want to do God's will. It's that simple. My decision is that I'm going to do God's will. The more I thought about it the less I could sleep and it was about an hour later that I was still stoked, thanking God and having an unbridled joy within me as I felt my life have a strong purpose for the first time in - possibly - all my life.

In the words of Phil Whickam, 'I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back.'

Lazy Saturday Afternoon

2009-07-26T11:01:00.003+09:00

This very moment for me is the epitome of the lazy Saturday afternoon. Half the people in the apartment are sleeping and the two that are awake are in two rooms, closed off to themselves. I can't say I mind. Having a break from the week's hubbub is much appreciated and in a sense i wish this pause would last longer than it is bound to. I'm just sitting on the couch, listening to Parachutes by Coldplay (see: their most chill album, in my opinion) and just teetering on the fence between lethargy and inactivity. Kinda feels like at this moment the only thing I'm actually doing is being alive. It's sort of surreal.

Yet, even in spite of such a seemingly peaceful place I can't help but feel a little uneasy. The irony of moments like these is that while the natural thing would be to relax one's mind and body, generally one's mind tends to take the chance given by the lack of activity and treads in every possible direction, thereby being anything but inactive. In other words, instead of just resting and not thinking about much and enjoying the music, I think about everything I could be doing or should be doing or what the near future holds and what the far future will bring and all the changes and responsibilities that are waiting to befall me. ... Interesting I would choose befall, as though changes and responsibilities were some sort of curse or punishment.

Having the interview next week gives me nothing but nerves. As if I half-expected the time living here with Coppe and Adam to last forever. My initial intent was to be here for no longer than a month and look now as the end of the second month approaches at 60 seconds a minute. Trust me, that's fast enough. I know I must find a job and a place to live and start really paying off my college loans. I'm not trying to escape said fate. Thinking back, it's exactly what I wanted. I wanted an average life in an average home with an average family, an average income. As close to normality as possible is what I aimed for. But right now I really don't want that at all! I want to pack a few shirts and pants and book a flight to Japan and try to make it there, have an adventure or something. But as I begin to fill my mind with these thoughts and become starry-eyed my rational side deals a soul-crushing blow of disappointment and tries to convince me that I should just be happy I have an interview and possible job lined up.

I don't want to be immature and irresponsible but like an angsty teenager I wanna dig into a rebellious corner and say no to the status quo. The worst part of all of this would then be that there's a bigger part of this business looming in the background sending waves to the forefront of my train of thought. The spiritual aspect of my life keeps trying to tell me that it's not about what I want or think I want or think I should have or do. I know what I should want the most is to do what God's will for my life is. Unfortunately I far from know what that is. I really wish I could just let go of what I want and what I don't want in my life and let God tell me what to do, and in a sense, I guess that's what I should do. However, I don't know how to do that, I don't know how to begin to do that and before getting frustrated over such a realization I'd rather bring the train back on to the rails of me figuring out what to do.

As I further introspect, I meet yet another dimension. Do I even know what I want? After college deciding to come here to California... regardless of whether or not that was the right choice, did I make the choice I wanted? Do I really want to go to Japan or move to Mountain View, CA if given the choice? I'm not much for regretting because I'm too proud to admit that I should've known better but if I do end up in Japan, would I be happy? Is the happiness worth it? Part of me stands up to say that happiness is beneath doing the will of God and I second the notion with my heart and then I meet up again with the concern of not knowing what God wants me to do. Reading the Bible I always get the feeling that the heroes of faith always knew exactly what to do. Noah didn't know what an arc was but God gave him measurements.

I guess I'm just really scared. As I said I'm not much for regretting but if accepted the job at Mountain View and moved there and that set off a series of events whereby I'm kept from Japan all my life... Then what if Japan was the will of God for my life??? I'd regret it until the day I die. Going to Japan feels like if I go I wouldn't die without returning. As in, I just feel as if returning would only be a matter of time. On the other hand, the looming feeling I have is that the door of opportunity for going to Japan is barely ajar and any wrong move I make that might keep me here a little longer will slam it shut and proceed to lock it in a million different ways.

I probably have nothing to really worry about and given some time all this will be sorted out. I'm sure no matter which direction I go it won't be easy and I'm sure God can use me no matter where I am. What I want has to come second to what God wants. It'll probably make sense in the end.

Developments

2009-07-23T13:35:00.002+09:00

Well I've continued to work on Milli's site, which is still not up so there isn't much I can put on the blog but I have been working on some new graphics for it :) Coppe thinks it's cute. There's still a fair bit to do but it's coming along. I realized today that some sections are going to be very similar in form, which makes my job easier so that's nice. :) I'm glad I've been working on all these web sites as of late because it's great practice and I have to keep my web dev skills fresh in my mind so that if I'm tested in an interview I can display my abilities at the level I would be if I had never stopped working.

Speaking of interviews, there's a good chance I have one in Mountain View, CA next week! I don't remember mentioning this but I may've. Long story short, a guy I met on my first visit to Origin (community church) gave me his e-mail and I sent him my resume and he passed it on to some people he knows. Well one of those people got back to me yesterday (today?) asking if I was still interested in a position. A few e-mails later and it looks like next week I'll be driving down to Mountain View for an interview. It's weird. Even though I've been looking for a job for months, getting an interview seems surreal. In addition to that, over the past week I've gone from 0 leads to 2 solid leads and finding a listing in craigslist that looked like a sweeeet job!

I'm still feeling the draw to Japan... it's such a faint possibility but if there's even an inkling of a chance, I have to pursue it full force.

My Web Site... Let Me Show You It

2009-07-19T12:00:00.002+09:00

So I finally got around to finishing up my web site (version 1.0) and now it's up at http://www.egandara.com . Of course there's still much that can be done but I'm just glad I have something up and done. I sent it to the recruiter guy and am now waiting to hear from him. Frankly I don't know if anything will really come from this whole Kentucky business but at the very least if nothing comes from it at least it drove me to finishing up my web site. Gonna pick back up on working on Milli's on monday. Gotta try and get that done ASAP so I can hand it off to her :) Other things that I have to do include continuing to look for jobs... I still wanna go to Japan.

First Mission: Accomplished

2009-07-17T10:56:00.003+09:00

I just finished uploading my sister Coppelia's site. Adam designed it and I implemented it from his design. It's a simple site and I admit it may have been a better deal to do it in flash but alas, that is not what I know. I think it worked out anyway and you can see it in coppeliasvoice.com. I have to keep working on mine and my other sister's sites but it feels good having cranked one out. Course, Coppe's site is far from finished. The demos area, for example, needs populating but I'm still trying to figure that out. Flash may actually be inescapable in that part...

I believe I'll spend the rest of today, working on mine. I need to have something finished tomorrow so I can send to the prospective employer! I can probably have something mildly presentable today but then I'd have to go through all the trouble of buying a domain and hosting tomorrow; a needed expenditure but one I'll begrudgingly make. I'm looking forward to continuing to work on Milli's site as I'm actually designing that, for better or worse.

I really wanted to go to the pool today :/ Maybe I'll do it tomorrow in celebration of having my own web site up!

Mid-July

2009-07-15T14:32:00.002+09:00

So it's mid July now. I've yet to find myself a job but things are still moving along. Haven't written a word of poetry since I finished school. That must be corrected. If you've read this far you can probably surmise that this post is going to be mostly me thinking out loud. I can't believe it's been more than a month since my last serious update so I guess there's a lot to say.

Not too much has changed since then, really. I'm still part-time co-oping for Sherwin and like I said, no job yet but I haven't lost hope. Today, in fact, I got an e-mail from what appears to have been a recruiter for a prospective employer. Good news, except for the fact that the job would be in Kentucky. Nevertheless, an option is an option and I'd be remiss to snuff out that candle before I see what parts of the room it shines light on. The room, of course, being my proverbial situation of unemployment and general sedentary living. That said, I haven't been doing nothing (and this is grammatically correct because I have in fact been doing something). I've been sort of contracted to do some freelance web work for both my sisters with some projects they have working on, in addition to my own web site I have been meaning on constructing for the sake of having an internet presence and something to show to prospective employers whenever they ask for 'a portfolio' or 'some work'.

On an altogether different side of things, I've been enjoying singing in the worship team at church sunday mornings for the Ridge and being part of Origin Community Church sunday nights. I've made friends with people in both and it's been a nice experience overall. And I think I'm keeping this one pretty short hehe.

One last note is I've been crazy listening to Imogen Heap's new single from her new album that's coming out Aug. 25!!! I cannot wait. Gonna hear the crap out of it! Here's the song via youtube.

Random thought #34

2009-06-08T16:51:00.001+09:00

In this day and age, man is a dry wood and information is a fire.

California

2009-06-01T12:33:00.002+09:00

Yes, you heard right (read right?). Effective May 27th, I moved in with my sister and her family in California. The reason, you ask? I wish I could say there's an easy answer, a clear reason, heck, even a better motive than job searching. However, here I am and here's where I'll be for a good while, I hope.

I graduated the 22nd of May with a BS in IT, which, for the record, is not a Bulls**t in Indexing Turtles*. In the search for a reason, we can experiment with RETROSPECTION and need only look back a few weeks. Actually, if we look back 2-3 months it may be even more entertaining(/boring). As most of you know, I was working for The Sherwin-Williams Company until... well, I may still be working for them ww (<-- those w's mean I'm laughing in japanese). I applied for a co-op with them spring of 2007. Actually, it was more like I gave my resume to a recruiter at a job fair in RIT that spring. I didn't even hear back from them until that summer while I was working in my aunt's company. Long story short (as if that ever happens with me), I got a telephone interview with Sherwin that fall and was working for them that december. And work I did! The co-op was a double-block, which means I was to work with them for Winter quarter (Dec-Feb) and Spring quarter (Mar-May) but as luck would have it (really it was God's will), I ended up extending my stay with them through the summer and then even through that fall! Went back to RIT december of '08 and finished my degree in Indexing Turtles** while telecommuting (working from far away) for Sherwin.

Needless to say, Sherwin's been a super blessing and a great experience but as the time of graduating crept closer and closer I had to figure out what I was going to do. I asked Sherwin about the possibility of a full-time position and they said that for various reasons (one of which I'm inclined to believe is my lack of ability XD ) they couldn't really offer me one. However, they were awesomely nice enough to offer me the opportunity to go to Cleveland after graduation and work for them as a co-op for up to 6 months while I continue to look for a job. Of course, this didn't stop me from trying to find a job as I didn't want to fall back on Sherwin. I started to look at job listings in Craig's list. Now, I know you know I have some SUPER COOL friends in Cleveland and they're SUPER COOL indeed but somehow I felt Cleveland wasn't where I was supposed to be. Add to that the fact that an awakening in me occurred towards wanting to rejoin family. That is, I wanted to end up closer to them and in this case that meant living near either of my sisters, since there was pretty much no way I would purposely decide to go back to PR. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and everything but PR is just not for me at this point. To that end, I started eyeing out Craig's list job listings in Nashville, TN, Sacramento, CA and San Francisco,CA/Bay area. I sent out more resumes than ever and never heard back from anybody. This time I'm inclined to blame the bad economy or my lack of experience.

Well my time at RIT began to come to an end and I was sort of beginning to scramble to decide. I was trying to hold out as long as I could to get a job elsewhere and have a valid reason not to go back to Cleveland. Alas, it never came. And then something quite interesting happened. I went back to Cleveland for Russ and Kindel's wedding the second weekend of May. In one of the many conversations that I had, a friend told me of something she did. She went out on a limb to NYC without a job and found one after she got there. This clicked in my head and made perfect sense to me! A sort of epiphany almost, then again it was probably God talking through her testimony. Whatever the case, I knew what I was going to do... or at least attempt to do! Because Bay Area had yielded the most job listings, I thought it'd be a good idea to ask my sister who lives in Cali so I gave her a call. Her reply was great! She was totally in tune with the possibility of me going out there and even opened her house to me. Within a week I had booked my plane ticket and was rearing to go.

My parents came to Rochester for my graduation on thursday the 21st and joined me and tons of my friends for graduation on the 22nd. They stayed around until the following week's wednesday, which happened to be the day my flight out to Cali was. They helped me A TON with getting all my stuff shipped as well as some other people like Bucky, Ryan and Moses and Uncle Jim helping me get rid of some of my other stuff. Finally, after spending way too much money shipping everything (it still would've been twice as much to use u-haul or a moving company) Wednesday came and off we went. And here I am, crashing at my sister's place until I find me a job so I can hopefully find my own place (in this world*** www). It's been really nice out here hangin out with my sister and bro-in-law and nephew (Coppelia, Adam and Christopher respectively). I'm glad to be part of the family and am trying to help out as much as I can. In fact, I even helped out with worship at church today :) So yeah, maybe I don't really have a reason to be here but I'm absolutely certain there's a purpose behind it all.

TaT out.

* terrible joke #1
** reference to terrible joke #1
*** terrible joke # 2

A pantoum!

2009-05-14T10:49:00.001+09:00

Here's a pantoum, rounding out my final poem for the portfolio!

Gloaming

The woods are quietest at dusk.
Fog passes through trees like spirits.
The muffled footsteps of foxes alert us
so we stay close to the ground and hold breath.

Fog passes through trees like spirits
as the leaves turn slowly to ash
so we stay close to the ground and hold breath
for fear of choking on the deathly smoke.

As the leaves turn slowly to ash
the dim white sky darkens to gray.
For fear of choking on the deathly smoke
we breathe heavier inside our masks.

The dim white sky darkens to gray
but we can barely see the first star.
We breathe heavier inside our masks
and the blood inside us rushes to our eyes

but we can barely see the first star!
We focus with clear intent
and the blood inside us rushes to our eyes.
It would kill us to miss this chance.

We focus with clear intent.
The target is at hand,
it would kill us to miss this chance.
The fire has no will to stop us now.

The target is at hand!
The muffled footsteps of foxes alert us.
The fire has no will to stop us now.
The woods are quietest at dusk.

© 2009 Emilio Gándara

Some new poems

2009-05-13T09:13:00.003+09:00

Hey all, here's a new batch of poems. First off an ode, written in that sort of pretty elizabethan "exalted" language :)

Ode To Certainty

Mild mannered creature of lore
Calm, the air around thee sighs
Solemn, the earth change not

Hunters chase thee in scores
Yet thine elusive form hides
Thy secret place held aloft

Mercy, give me time before
My aging blood of me denies
My life is stolen thought

Thou art the knowing future
What aptly anxiety divides
Till sorrow's remnant is nought

Thee I hold in my deepest core
Your visage alone and me likewise
A shadow in thine chamber caught

The words thou speak whom can ignore
Their very life and breath belies
The rest that my conviction sought

Wilt be mine I beg for more
Than thine mere mention tries
And fails to be mine life's lot

And then a macaronic verse :D

taiyou no shi

The sun died, leaving behind the moon
an eclipse solitary loses its smile
and the sunset retrograde lacks light
what simple vision breaks my dream

wake at feeling a cold safe
the light of the moon destroys my window
and without sun see a mirage
a desert stellar full of clouds

another desert my throat and swallow
yet have salt on my tongue
and in my brain swim thoughts
my brain a sea of alcohol

looking the sky recall
while fly thousands of stars
make lines pulling the darkness
and the tide rises, a gold tenuous

the clouds shine and disappear
revealing the truth of the lines
pulled the body inert of the sun
and suddenly revives and us blinds

"taiyou no shi' means 'death of the sun'. What makes the previous poem macaronic verse is that it's sort of a mixture of english and spanish. In that I only translated the words, not the lines. That is why some lines are grammatically incorrect or strange. Here's the original spanish version, in case you were interested :D

taiyou no shi

El sol murió, dejando atras la luna
un eclipse solitario pierde su sonrisa
y el atardecer retrógrada carece luz
cual simple visión rompe mi sueño

despierto al sentir un frio seguro
la luz de la luna destruye mi ventana
y sin sol veo un espejismo
el desierto estelar lleno de nubes

otro desierto mi garganta y trago
aun tengo sal en la lengua
y en mi mente nadan pensamientos
mi cerebro un mar de alcohol

mirando el cielo recuerdo
mientras vuelan miles de estrellas
tiran lineas halando la oscuridad
y la marea sube, un oro tenue

las nubes brillan y desaparecen
revelando la realidad de las lineas
halaban el cuerpo inerte del sol
y de repente recucita y nos cega

© 2009 Emilio Gándara

Sestina

2009-05-06T00:30:00.002+09:00

Here's another intricate poetic form. This time it ends up being a rather large poem. Hope you enjoy this sestina.

The View, The Option

All that is, that has crafted out of empty nothing every soul
knows too well the state in which we are, with guilty stain.
In this space the darkness sheds from light a silhouette
and from that shape a shadow cast upon the tortured slaves
those who toil day and night with no rest or peace or silence
For such the light clothed in flesh and blood became savior

In our delusion we were all convinced we needed no savior
but in the depths of our frame lay a fractured, needy soul
we laughed in our folly, it cried in its own secret silence
in its eyes took root a dark shape, an unwieldy, deathly stain
and given the choice, we put on shackles and chose to be slaves
but the truth hit us like a midday sun, all that is left a silhouette

Once that bomb fell, all that was left on the walls were silhouettes
they had nothing but the future in their hands, they knew no savior
they were the children of the children of the children of the slaves
when the dust settled, all that was left, were ambulating souls
all you could see was ash, dust, debris, and the sporadic stain
and if you had ears to hear, all that filled the air was silence

We all watched the TV. We watched it in disbelief and silence
The towering pillars of steel and commerce in grainy silhouettes
in surprise we couldn't save the jumpers, now on asphalt: stains
perhaps some, feeling the grip of death stayed, waiting for a savior
but was the price they paid a heavy expense? Perhaps, their soul.
Of the news, of the phone, of all we could learn we were slaves

Days after becoming sixteen, in such youth already a slave
and who could know a secret so well kept behind a lock of silence
He paid every day, he paid in dollars and cents, in life and soul
under street lamps, the shape of men, paper and bag silhouettes
he shot up but couldn't pay up so he was shot up with no savior
his mother runs to the street to her baby, on her dress blood-stains

Nobody wears such old clothes, splattered of gross, smelly stains
but she does. They call her a walker in the night and she too is a slave
he gave her a place to lay her weary body; he calls himself her savior
he hits her and uses her and she is left, a crying pile of bones, in silence
she came to know no other way but being a screaming silhouette
she thinks to herself she is pathetic and broken, and has lost her soul

The answer is true for every soul, even though we are full of stains
our shadows projected like silhouettes, bound to a wall as slaves
we need not suffer in this silence. There is one who knows us: a savior

© 2009 Emilio Gándara

Villanelle

2009-04-22T07:51:00.003+09:00

I wrote a villanelle for class. It's a poem that has a pretty strict form. See here for a better explanation than I wish to give right now :)

Mutability or The Traveling Speed of Resolution

I do not wish to miss my train
so I wind my clock at ten past two
and sit still where it stays the same

Your body sways, it leans and wanes
aloof I turn and say to you
“I do not wish to miss my train”

Your eyes are fury, rage not tame
I resign, you reach, I rue
and sit still where it stays the same

I'm your boon and you're my bane
under my breath I sigh so true
I do not wish to miss my train

I will flee and freedom gain
you will search and weep and brood
and sit still where it stays the same

In its lack, I, change became
I'll ride to where it all is new
I do not wish to miss my train
and sit still where it stays the same

© 2009 Emilio Gándara

Elegy For My Late Sister

2009-04-14T12:39:00.001+09:00

At a tender age, unknowable wisdom
Seven past the decade, treading on feeble step
Joyful beyond poverty, sick beyond healing
Given death for mercy, may she rest

Born before me, dead before me
Daughter of a mother, mother to many
Trusting love, she was speechless
Trusting us, she was family

Her end given as late news
In grief I shed a salty sea
As a boy, she taught me death
and its infinite separation

She was old in my youth
And left before she saw me grow
I pray God forgive her in her innocence
And that when I leave she sees me grown

© 2009 Emilio Gandara

No Theorem version 2

2009-04-13T10:38:00.003+09:00

Hey, so using the criticism given me in class, I rewrote the octave in this sonnet. Here is the new version. Thoughts?

No Theorem

The one in her eyes reflected is me
mind running infinitely standing still
a circle of gold unbounded and free
is in my hand, and in my spine a chill
I stand and kneel before her, my future
two can be one at the 'yes' from her lips
but a 'no' results in mind's rapture
and our parallel lives curve at the tips
bursting thoughts in rationale and justice
endless testing spinning process reason
this rejection taken swiftly caused this
not a man but shadows for a season
love in one direction as a vector
magnitude in vain with no reflector

© 2009 Emilio Gandara

Sonnet

2009-03-31T12:06:00.002+09:00

I haven't been posting as much stuff from poetry class as I thought I would but I just finished writing my (first?) sonnet and I thought I'd share it. This is probably a first draft but sonnets are hard and it's my first go at it so I'm sort of proud of it hee hee ^^

No Theorem

She decided not to take my offer
and live to tell the tale of deep regret
take the road that steers the clearest of her
and given time my mind will soon forget
I will hold the memory of loving
and she will pay a ransom for her time
ring in hand I'll stop the hate from growing
and try to find a prison for this crime

bursting thoughts in rationale and justice
endless testing spinning process reason
this rejection taken swiftly caused this
not a man but shadows for a season

love in one direction as a vector
magnitude in vain with no reflector

© 2008 Emilio Gandara

Poetry

2009-03-11T08:34:00.003+09:00

I'm taking a poetry class this quarter. I'm pretty excited about it and today was the first day. I was pretty nervous coz it's something that matters to me but it was pretty fun. Actually, at the end we were tasked with a little exercise: to write a sample poem. Basically we had to write 5 lyrics or catch phrases, anything that we could think of, from whatever artist or media. I was actually called upon to read it. My heart was pounding so hard you'd think I'd laid eyes on the love of my life for the first time. So here it is, I'm going to italicize the parts I sampled and leave the guessing to you guys :D

I'm not ready for you to go
I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow
but if you stay with me a while
give me an hour and I'll give you your dream

I heard you say you wished I'd die
and I thought "only if He'll bring me back a dog in the next life"
take a second and think of it
the implication of your imposition

where were you a week ago
when we sang and our song shook the ground
that's when I wished you'd never die
and you said "I'll be a better me tomorrow"

© Emilio Gandara 2008

Have fun guessing! I know cris will know one right away coz it's sort of an inside joke of ours ;)

Haiku otw 3/9 I

2009-03-08T12:15:00.002+09:00

Late again, but I won't bother myself with the details, hehe.

I long to move so:
Further Up and Further In
just to see the Light

Just finished reading The Chronicles of Narnia. Amazing is a gross understatement in describing what a work the Lord has blessed C. S. Lewis with. Enjoyed every bit of it!

WotW March 09 I

2009-03-04T05:04:00.004+09:00

Hey all, I'm on time again, hooray! And so, the word will be...

concupiscence -
strong desire, especially sexual desire (in other words, a fancy word for lust)

Used in a sentence: Rather than being fought, concupiscence is best defeated through escape.

Reason: Saw it written in my Bible :)

[edit - I was actually early! I just can't get it right, can I? haha]

Late WotW and Haiku! (Feb 09 IV)

2009-03-02T08:00:00.002+09:00

Hey all, here's a double-whammy late edition but because in the span of an hour I've received both the word and haiku so instead of skipping a week I decided to post both.

Lackadaisical -
lacking life, spirit, or zest

Used in a sentence: Upon quitting his long-drawn pursuit of existential knowledge, a cold wind was breathed and a lackadaisical sigh was exhaled.

Reason: I saw in twitter that it is my friend Jen's new favorite word.

Aaaaand the haiku is thus, inspired by The Watchmen:

teleportation
requires a deep knowledge
of things temporal

:D

Late Haiku! 2 (Feb 09 III)

2009-02-21T23:57:00.002+09:00

So uhhhhh, yeah....

雪が降る
そして病気だ
不公平

So another random japanese haiku. And a rather loose translation.

it snows once again
and I am struck with illness
is it not unfair?

Yes, loose, quite loose. Literally what I said in japanese is

it snows
and I'm sick
unfair

so yeah... lacking... syllables! hehe

Word of the Week (Feb 09 III)

2009-02-19T12:57:00.002+09:00

Nonplus - (MW and from here on out, unless otherwise mentioned, this will be the reference)
to cause to be at a loss as to what to say, think, or do

Used in a sentence: She dropped the knife and for an instant stood nonplussed.

Reason: From when I first saw the word I really liked it, not only because it had eluded me for so long but because of what it meant. I like the idea of being hit with such a strong realization that you cannot even muster a reaction. Which is almost what I felt when I failed an important test today but my reaction was clearly to sulk until I reasoned myself into not feeling too bad about it. :)

Late Haiku!

2009-02-15T02:19:00.003+09:00

I'm not moving it down another day, I was just late again! Sorry, gomen gomen!

maybe for the cold
chilling the air to stillness
did this come so late

and there you have it, an apology AND a haiku ^^ and here's a bonus holiday Haiku.

take your love in hand
and clench your fist to crush it
now share it with all

<3 love y'all~ Happy Valentine's Day :D <3

Word of the Week (Feb 09 II)

2009-02-12T07:31:00.002+09:00

Nihilism - (MW)
a viewpoint that traditional values and beliefs are unfounded and that existence is senseless and useless b: a doctrine that denies any objective ground of truth and especially of moral truths

Used in a sentence: Your not going to give your pokemon a nickname is so nihilistic.

Reason: Bucky's writing a paper on ethic nihilism and it totally reminded me of the fact that in Pokemon Diamond/Pearl if you don't nickname your pokemon it'll say it's a nihilistic thing to do. wwwww

random Tech Transfer paper

2009-02-11T11:56:00.004+09:00

I recently wrote a short paper for a class called Technology Transfer. I probably didn't have to write half as much as I did but I kinda went on about things and ended up with a short paper instead of four short answers. So for whatever reason, I'm publishing it here.

Technologically speaking, I don't think a lot has really changed in the past few years. To be sure, computers have gotten better, faster and for the most part, cheaper, but what was true then is just as true now. Because of that, the question of whether we are headed in the right direction may be just as important as the matter of the speed in which we are traveling. That is, just how long will making bigger hard drives and faster processors really go for before technological advances change in their nature? If that is the “right direction” then regardless of the speed at which these developments occur, we are undoubtedly headed in it. However, if computerizing every single thing in our lives is the “wrong direction” then we may soon find ourselves in a bad place we can't easily turn back from.

Technology has become nigh ubiquitous in our daily lives and, as all things, brings with it positive and negative consequences. It makes a lot of things in our lives much easier compared to having to do things manually. For instance, paperwork in just about every field has been drastically reduced because of computers. That, in and of itself, has a consequent result, which is that it helps the environment. The opposite side of the same coin, however, is that as computers are manufactured by the millions, the efforts to recycle them, once people begin to throw them away with each upgrade, become more and more impaired. Again, as the article plainly shows, as computers continue to replace certain processes in our lives, while in many instances they often maximize our effectivity, they may also hinder us in ways that the non-computerized way would not. The woman in Houston with the “smart house” would never have to “restart” her house previous to its computerization, and the 8 hour process of her doing so is surely a bother, but because of said technology, she may be saving electricity, water and have added security.

Ultimately, the degree to which we use technology will not only be a case by case basis, but in general terms come down to each individual's decision to adopt or not. While there are certain technological advances that are practically inescapable, like this year's switch to digital transmissions, most technologies are opted into. For example, the article starts out recounting the story of Nancy as she “joined an elite group” when she purchased her car. Certainly, there have to be cautious, sound minds calculating the possible outcomes of technologies that are developed. The government will always have a certain amount of control over the process of policing technology but I think when it all comes down to it, the consumer is the one that determines what stays and what goes and that is you and I. So in the end, a degree of constraint is all but necessary as with technology's awesome potential for good, is inextricably connected to the power to harm.

©2008 Emilio Gándara

Haiku of the Week (Feb 09 I)

2009-02-07T01:16:00.002+09:00

Another week, another haiku. This time I'm doing it on friday because, well the truth is I totally forgot to do it yesterday. I think it's a good thing though because that way the two features this blog has aren't both on subsequent days so as to have more stuff go on during the week. Or something like that :). Without further ado:

the circular dome
covering this wintry day
is a calm blue sea

And of course I'm talking about the sky, which so majestically envelops this very day, and presently brightens my room through the window.

:)

Word of the Week (Feb 09 I)

2009-02-05T00:40:00.003+09:00

Ubiquitous - (MW)
existing or being everywhere at the same time : constantly encountered

Used in a sentence: Technology has become nigh ubiquitous in our daily lives and, as all things, brings with it positive and negative consequences.

Reason: That sentence just now was from an essay that I recently wrote for a class I'm taking called Technology Transfer. More so than anything, I chose this word because of how amused Amanda was at my using 'nigh ubiquitous' in an essay for a class. :)

Haiku of the Week

2009-01-29T23:04:00.004+09:00

And here's another feature I plan to do weekly XD (in hopes of using this blog other than the ultra long biographical logs).

おもいゆき
つよくふってる
けどきれい

Didn't expect it to be an actual 俳句 (haiku) did ya? Well there it was. A liberal translation may say:

heaviest of snow
falls ever so heavily
but is beautiful

Tune in next week. Let's see if I can do more japanese ones :)

Word of the Week

2009-01-29T02:43:00.004+09:00

So I decided to try to do a word of the week "feature" lol.

Superfluous - (according to Merriam Webster)
1 a: exceeding what is sufficient or necessary : extra b: not needed : unnecessary
2obsolete : marked by wastefulness : extravagant

Used in a sentence: Truly getting a chocolate bar at the end of this chocolate factory's tour is superfluous.

Reason I chose this word is because for whatever reason I've been saying it a lot. So there you have it, tune in next week for the next Word of the Week, till then, stay superfluous.

A thought #2

2008-12-29T22:49:00.001+09:00

If the way we love each other and ourselves is like a night light, the way God loves us is like a laser.

the last month

2008-12-13T04:29:00.005+09:00

Strap yourselves in, this one's gonna be, as I like to say, kilometric. I might end up splitting it into 2 parts or something. Wow, so where to begin... I guess I haven't blogged since I got this computer, seeing as how that was my previous blog was about, so I'll try to start way back then and work myself into the present.

Ok, at that point I was still working at Cleveland, OH. I worked until mid-November. The last two weeks heading up to my leaving Sherwin were actually busier than I thought they'd be. It was good tho, kept me busy and entertained until I finished up. The last day was pretty interesting. I had to stay late the day before on thursday because I was working on something important that I had to finish and so stayed till 5 instead of my usual 4:30. That meant I could've left at 4 on friday but instead at 4 I asked for permission to use the copy machine to do make some copies for my JET (Japanese Exchanged and Teaching program) application. Well, for whatever reason that took me all the way until 5 to get done. The good(?) part of all that was that I got to see everybody leave and everybody said goodbye to me and wished me the best of luck on all my endeavors and whatnot. At 5 when I finished up and pretty much everybody in the office had left, I finished packing up my things and went on my merry way out of the office. It was almost eerily quiet as I was the last one to leave, I think but mainly, it was a nice way to go. I felt like I was really ending that part right. But wait! epilogue! :) As I was getting on the elevator I remembered there were some people that worked in the gym that I wanted to say goodbye to. So I stopped at the 10th floor. Unfortunately those people weren't there :( So I just told one of the trainers that were there, almost choking up how much I was thankful for the people that helped me out in the gym for helping me with my workout and helping keep me motivated. So another door closed behind me, probably one I wouldn't soon go through again. And as I waited in front of the elevator, I got pretty choked up and tried not to be a crying mess, successfully, thank God! Didn't wanna sob all the way home. I really didn't think I'd get so sad to leave the company. I mean, I'm still working for them and stuff but I feel in my mind I was coming to terms with never seeing some of those people again. Of course, there's a fair possibility that I will see them again, but that's just how I work.

Well the last 2 weeks of November came and went and were altogether awesome :) I got to have some, probably unmerited, vacations so I got to do just about everything I wanted to... and a few things I didn't want to. To sum it up, I pretty much played video games and hung out with friends throughout. The second week is when most things went down. I got to make sure and see all my friends and start packing all my crap. Thanksgiving was a total blast! Wednesday night a few of us went over to the Kakos' and saw a bunch of christmast movies (Elf, The Santa Clause and The Polar Express, in case you were wondering). Then we all went to sleep, and woke up early next day for TURKEY BOWL!!! We all went to a snowy soccer field and played some football. Fortunately I just ran around a lot and didn't have to get muddy or anything :D. Afterwards everybody went their way to their houses to enjoy some thanksgiving meals. I stayed at the Kakos', who were extremely nice in having me over for all this :). Friday night Jill, Sue and I went to little Italy in Cleveland and had some delicious italian food (and just as scrumptious dessert after that!). We proceeded to take said dessert over to Steve's to share and devour until it was later than I should've been out the day before moving. Saturday was moving day. I woke up mad early to try and finish packing and cleaning things up a bit but without a doubt everybody helping me out actually finishing to help me pack made it all possible! I'm so thankful for everybody that went and helped me out, especially Kate, who was also moving that day and came out to help me and Jill, who was there since way early to give me a ride to the u-haul place to get the truck. Really there's just no way that I could've had everything done by the time I had to leave. Finally, once everything was packed up we went over to Chipotle (coz there aren't any near rochester >.<*) and then we all said goodbye and I left... The weather was absolutely unbelievable. Not a drop of snow or rain the entire way there. Actually, it was sunny throughout Ohio and Pennsylvania, though obviously gloomy and cloudy once I hit NY.

Once I got to Rochester it was all a bunch of having to get used to everything again. I moved into an apartment with people I basically didn't know and at first things were sorta bumpy. The girl I was replacing in the apartment (and her sister) hadn't moved out so yet so I still had all my stuff in the living room (including my bed) and stayed there for like 2 days. No biggie and after that they were able to find where to live and we got all the changes set up and done and I moved into my room and a week later I more or less unpacked some things... lol. There are still some things I'm getting sorted out but they're coming along. Class is pretty cool. Japanese, as I've been saying to everyone, is super fun and cool and I'm so glad to be taking lessons again :D! Tech Transfer is like storytellers with Perry, which is cool (better than taking class, I always say XD, but really, there's much to be said about learning from experience and he's just sharing his experiences with us. Client-side programming is gonna be hard, but I knew that. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with it and not get screwed over... I think Ill be ok. Finally, working remotely is pretty cool. Getting stuff done, and I'm glad to be able to help out with whatever I can.

So what else can I say? I'm sure I skipped saying a ton of things but in general that's what went down :) Right now I'm digging IAMX(it's crazy alt rock), whom I heard about because Imogen Heap did a remix of one of his songs, 'spit it out', which rocks, btw! The remix comes out in a few days and guess who's gonna buy it? *points at self* As for right now, I'm sitting in the library in a section called the Idea Factory (where you don't really have to be quiet) and there's a silent auction going on called E-Waste done by SEAL. To give some context, SEAL is an environmental group that my friend Ryan is a part of, and I think one of my roommates is too so that's cool. They get stuff for E-Waste from donations from students and just whoever, really, and then sell it today as a fund raiser.

Oh yeah, I wanted to put some pictures in here of my old apartment in the process of moving and my new place. I suppose I'll do it in another post haha... hopefully that's sooner than a month and a half from now. And one last thing, haha, see, this is what happens when you don't blog forever. One very important thing that happened monday of my first week of vacation (see mid-November + 1 day) was I finally submitted my JET application. It's what the copies in my last day of work were for :). Well I recently got a letter at home telling me they got the application and it was processed. So now I just have to wait until near the end of january to find out if I'm going to NYC or not to get interviewed. *prays* I really really want to go to Japan and I think this would be a super sweet way of doing it. God-willingly, I'm as good as there :D And with that I'm off ;)

Catch y'all later. Also, any ideas what I should do with several hundred haiku? XD

Answered prayer

2008-10-23T07:48:00.002+09:00

So, wow, yesterday and today I've been praying so strongly: "God, please let the computer be shipped today so I can get it this week and not have to wait till monday".

A little back story: (uh oh, here comes another long post ( sorry people) ) Well here's the deal, I wanted to get a new computer when I graduated - 4 years after starting college, in my mind - and the four years came and went but I didn't graduate, which is fine and not a big deal because of how RIT functions and co-ops and whatever. Anyway, since I've had a job I've been savin up money and whatnot and was starting to think that I'd just get a new computer as this one's getting pretty old and could really use a replacement, 'couldn't you, sir Trustypants?'. So a few weeks ago (like maybe late August or September or something) I found out that new macbooks were going to come out so I decided I'd wait for those and get a new computer then. Well the day of reckoning was last tuesday (October 14) and Apple unleashed some sweeeeet refreshes to the notebook line. Needless to say I was super excited and decided to get the new macbook to replace my current iBook. Well upon careful consideration, I decided to save some money by ordering it through Amazon instead of through an apple store or apple.com. Why? Simply because I'd be avoiding about 100 dollars worth of tax, which, even with a student discount, would be more expensive than not getting taxed at all. And so began the wait.

I could've gone to an apple store on Wednesday the 15th and gotten a shiny, brand new one but I decided to be at least a little bit thrifty and wait it out via the Amazon route. Thursday, the computers finally went on the site and that night I ordered it!!! I was psyched but at the same time a little bit concerned. See, all of the new notebooks on Amazon said 'pre-order' and I thought, well, they'll probably get them tomorrow or something. Now, if you know me, you know waiting indefinitely is one of my pet peeves. Give me a date and I'm happy. So long as I have a set end, even if there's a possibility it can change, I'm way more chill than if I have to wait indefinitely for something. Well that pre-order meant indefinitely in as many senses as that word can have. So of course, the days leading up to this Tuesday were a good dose of self-inflicted torture (I'm sort of dressing it up here haha). Finally this Tuesday, that is, yesterday, the model I'd ordered got into Amazon. I got an e-mail that finally gave me a set date to wait for, but at the same time was a bit of a let down. See, I was ever so strongly expecting to have it by this week so that I could enjoy it over the weekend when I would have some good free time. Well much to my dismay, that e-mail had the following Monday, the 27th as the estimated delivery date. I wasn't crushed but I definitely sighed at the thought of having to wait yet another weekend for what could have been mine practically a week ago. There was still hope though.

I had selected 2-day shipping, which, meant that no matter when Amazon sent it, I would get it approximately 2 days later. So then I really started praying. I seriously begged: God, please please pleeeeease let it be sent today so that I may get it on friday!!! Now, some may scoff, 'hah, so much emphasis put on something material like a new computer' but if you know me, you know I have a sort of obsessive nature when it comes to my focus on the next shiny thing to get. So I get a concentrated pigeon-holed tunnel vision that drives me nuts. (yeah, maybe I should work on that, haha, but it's sort of fun too) The point is, God was nice enough to let me have this whimsical request and went a step further. I just checked my mail and it says It's supposed to get here tomorrow!!! Now, I may not be able to pick it up at work tomorrow but that's besides the point. Indeed God answered my prayer and went a step beyond, even for such a simple thing as getting a package. Now, I'm not Bible thumping with this but really, if that's not a sign of a loving, personal God, I don't know what is. <3

MOAR HAIKU

2008-10-15T06:03:00.001+09:00

Allo there world, here you go. The haiku for the first 10 days of October!

10/01/08
ten soldiers at play
ten commands to execute
ten children in wait

alt:

octopus hiding
to tear his prey asunder
bereft of pity

10/02/08
memories of youth
the sorrow I came to know
sadness in farewells

10/03/08
even the wild beasts
in this sudden autumn chill
are all but prepared

10/06/08
taken by the hand
I was shown each of the stars
and heard their voices

10/07/08
spiraling downwards
we are stuck in a tailspin
crash course with winter

10/08/08
a treasure most sought
not one of gold or jewels
an unbroken heart

10/09/08
the here and the now
though it is all that we know
is a passing note

10/10/08
stealing hearts with stares
lovers are quite dangerous
breaking hearts with words

© Emilio Gandara

A thought

2008-10-04T11:53:00.000+09:00

Every small effort, every intention put into action is like a snow flake being gathered by a little bit of momentum called time. Before you know it, it's all added up into an unstoppable force.

peace

2008-10-01T10:49:00.001+09:00

So I drew this on sunday, I think. It means ease or peace. Please look at the whole thing because it doesn't do it justice to view the small version.

Also, sorry I haven't been updating. I can't believe I only updated once this month. Oh well, busy busy life, mine... I suppose.

Haiku update + bonus sleep away msg

2008-09-06T08:33:00.003+09:00

Hey all. I liked this week's haiku so I'm putting them up. (Haiku is a japanese word and as such has no plural so in this case, I hope you presumed that there are more than one, a conclusion you may have supported with the fact that I write a haiku every work day)

09/02/08
a promise was made
an oath that I am under
separate the sound
09/03/08
memories are strange
try not to forget yourself
remembering me
09/04/08
the sun is ready
and the trees prepare themselves
for the coming fall
09/05/08
brilliant morning star
millions of shining mirrors
sparkling as they fall

And finally, because monday was a holiday and you're probably expecting 5 haiku, here's a little extra poem, which is not a haiku, mind you, but at least it's a good bunch of words strung together. (or so I would like to believe)

closing eyes, bracing themselves for the fall
slowly falling, fading as the soft lines tremble
sinking into the door my mind immolates
a thirsty flame restless in deep sleep

© 2008 Emilio Gandara

1, 2, 3, 4

2008-08-16T06:50:00.001+09:00

If you're a Feist fan you can definitely appreciate this:

update - saturday

2008-08-03T11:29:00.006+09:00

Most everybody is out of town today. Dillon, Steve and Jill were over in Chicago with Kate and Kathy. Jeremy was in Connecticut visiting his parents and doing something with his car. What it all means is I had today aaaaaaaaaaaaall to myself. I can definitely appreciate a good free Saturday. I did a ton of things today including laundry, grocery shopping as well as buying some things in the pharmacy. For the record, I really don't like the fact that there are 2 CVSs (lol I almost called it scv's a la StarCraft) in East 9th street, basically 1 or 2 blocks from each other but about 10 blocks from where I live. Oh well, I didn't really mind a nice walk with some good music. You know, the kind I lip sync to while nobody else can hear it and it makes me look insane, I betcha.

I also did something somewhat adventurous (in a geeky sense). As some of you may know, I use the Dvorak input. Well I touch type so it doesn't tend to be a problem that the keyboard's set up QWERTY style. However, I'd been thinking about changing the keys around into Dvorak input for whatever reason and today I did it. It was pretty friggin scary though because I didn't know exactly how to remove the keys and I was scared to death of defacing my keyboard. Even though it's dirty, having a hole instead of a key somewhere would surely decrease resale value by quite a bit and I do intend to sell this guy around next summer when I go to get a new one to replace ol' faithful here.

Well I decided to test out how to remove keys with the '\' key. That's one I don't use often so I figured if I did break it, I wouldn't miss it as much as, say, the 'a' key. Well I pushed and pulled cautiously though intently until it finally came off with a click. Thankfully I didn't break it but I wasn't sure how I'd gotten it off so I put it right back in to try again so I could see how to best take it off. The second time, I must've done it wrong or something because the little mechanism under the keys that keeps them bouncy came undone, much to my horror. I spent the better part of the following half hour trying to put it back together between thoughts of whether it was futile and trying to figure out exactly how it was that this insane engineering actually happened (I may be giving them too much credit). Well after a while, I was able to put it back together and one good thing that came of having to stare at the contraption so long was thinking of a way to remove the keys more easily. So I tried it on a different key, this time one that I would be moving about for the change into Dvorak and it came off with little to no hassle. *phew* So I got to work removing most of the keys, as 'a' and 'm' are in the same place in both inputs, and after a few minutes I had myself a Dvorak input keyboard :D.

What else, what else? Oh yes, today is the first day of DS∑3713, the Square-Enix event featuring trailers and demos of two of my favorite game series: Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts. Specifically the new games coming out, for the most part, no sooner than march of '09. Darn you Squeenix for making up salivate for months. Oh well, at least by then I'll have finished all my Japanese classes, which only means I'll better be able to understand the dialogue by the time I import those titles XD, coz you know I'm not gonna wait until they localize them. That was a fun parenthesis!

Oh, yes, also today I did a new piece of Japanese calligraphy. It's the character 優, which means a ton of things, but I chose it because when read as　優しい (yasashii), it means 'tender, gentle'. Although to be honest, the fact that it also means 'to excel' when read as 優れる (sugureru) is pretty darn cool. It's like sweetness and pwnage all at once XD. Ah, the story of my life (wait, where'd my modesty go?). Actually, after finishing it once, I realized I'd learned the character the wrong way and had to redo it. Again another thing going wrong in my exploits today, but like the last time, it too had good in it as now I know how to correctly write that character. Although actually, if I remember correctly, this happened before the keyboard event, hehe, but it still holds! And so here it is, for your viewing pleasure~

I must be working in retrospect. The last thing I'm gonna mention is I played a good bit of soul calibur 4 this morning. That was fun but I don't think anybody else cares so I'll leave it there hehe and this has been a pretty long post as it is so it ends now!!! Have a good one y'all.

yet another crazy away message turned poem

2008-07-31T13:05:00.003+09:00

I don't think I can say it any better than the title of this post so here you go. For your amusement and bemused wondering:

red roe rubies:
such sweet silliness
that there, though through
unstable, utterly
volatile vixens, visibly vexed
wolves would wildly want.

© 2008 Emilio Gandara

the Reals

2008-07-22T13:24:00.002+09:00

Hey all! Here's the latest haiku series. You may or may not know but I occasionally will do a series of haiku instead of the usual daily kind. This one was special in that it follows a story rather than a theme. I present you, the tale of numbers.

why would a number
have any reason to fear?
they can be consumed

in the realm of Real
there is a lack of nothing
naught is but a thought

yet the negatives
live a cursed fate and war
bearing the curse-mark

and so they battle
positives and negatives
endlessly dying

until finally
the king of the positives
stepped forth to battle

the legendary
the never-ending ruler
is infinity

but to oppose him
negative infinity
came to decrease all

one by one they ceased
at their own hands or the kings'
only kings remained

a final face down
two endless powers clashing
a new king is born

fear is but a thought
in this world there is Nothing
he is the new king

© 2008 Emilio Gandara

Hope it made sense and you all enjoyed it :D Hope I'm not breaking too many haiku rules XD

You are not safe in the elevator

2008-07-20T22:12:00.003+09:00

So, hilarious. Last night I went to Jill's place with a few friends and we hung out and saw Newsies and ate cookies and just had a good time in general. Afterward, Steve dropped me off at my place at around 2:30AM. Well as I was going up the elevator to my 8th floor apartment, it stopped at, I think the 4th floor and a guy and girl come in the elevator. The door is practically opening when the guy gets reeeeally close to me screaming in my face 'nobody loves me!!!' and then goes on a quasi-unintelligible rant about how he went to a gay bar and got no attention. Subsequently asking loudly not only the girl he was with but probably myself too 'do you know what it's like to be gay... in a sea of gays?' Well the girl was rather drunk too (ok that's a soft way of putting it, they were both hammered) and she answers 'not really, no'. But that's all the short trip up to the 6th floor gave us a chance to share. Then as they're stepping off the elevator the girl extends her hand for a hand shake as she wishes me a good night. Of course I oblige and wish her a good night in return. The door closed and my elevator ride continued for two more floors while I laughed in disbelief that what just happened actually happened.

Alternate title for this blog: Drunk Elevator Quotes

Now Listening to: Death And All His Friends

you should watch (or maybe you shouldn't): IOSYS magic

picnic among other things

2008-07-19T06:27:00.002+09:00

Today was the company picnic that I almost melted at. Yeah, that one in particular sans the somewhat bad grammar. It was pretty fun. Went down with most of the people from the team and had a good lunch. Of course since it was an all-you-can-eat, I ate more than I should have but oh well, no problem. I'm sure I sweat half of it off the following hour. I also got some random carnival prizes (without playing carnival games coz apparently people weren't really playing for them or something in that vein. hah. Of note was the diablolo, which works like any plastic, surplus toy would (read: it doesn't). Or maybe I'm just not very good with it. Today was also pretty nice at work coz I actually had things to do for most of the day and then got to leave a half hour early!

So yeah, here's a cool little run down that I'm gonna start doing at the end of blogs (if I remember):

now listening to: Corneria from Star Fox (Super Smash Bros. Brawl OST)

ordering you to view (though in reality this is only for immi lovers like I):

Growth Group

2008-07-16T08:00:00.003+09:00

I won't go into much detail but growth group was excellent last night. Growth Group is a small group from church I go to and we hang out and study the Bible. Well last night we had a bit of breakthrough, you could say. I really feel as though God spoke to all of us last night. It was truly a life changing experience. I kept praying that we wouldn't just go about our lives the same way after last night. That we internalize and not forget what we learned. To face our lives, to see ourselves in the mirror and step away from what we know isn't how it should be.

In other news, I've decided to blog like a blogger. What I take that to mean is I'm just gonna do posts about whatever more often than before. This isn't a biography and it shouldn't be. If something tickles my fancy, I'll drop a line or two about it. Put a video or a picture up and say something about it. I like that. Let's see if I can actually do it.

June

2008-07-05T01:38:00.002+09:00

As usual it's been a good long while since my last blog actually detailing my life. Even still, I would like to keep this one short and just give a rather quick update of how things are going. I'll assume it's been roughly a month since my last update and since July just started, I'll recap June.

The highlight of June was, of course, my lovely vacations in Puerto Rico. Visiting family and friends is pretty much always a good time. I had a great time, ate a lot, got to see Cris' graduation (which we made a lot of fun of afterward), and had a good weekend in Fajardo (even though we couldn't actually go to Culebra). The rest of June really ain't much a big deal. The co-op's officially over so I've pretty much slipped into a support roll at Sherwin, which is fine by me. I'll still be working there until November, at which point I'll be moving back to Rochester, as most all of you know. I'm pretty excited to go back and finish up and get on with my life, particularly so because it may mean my going to Japan next year and that excites me more than anything right now. I hope I can have Maru-sensei as my prof for Adv Jap 2 as well as 3. She's 最高 (the greatest).

Well now that I've properly digressed, hehe, June, in general was a fun month, also because I was Mr. June at the gym. So amused by that. Speaking of which, my body seems to refuse to go below 170 pounds. Fine enough, so long as I continue to get in better and better shape as I strive for the elusive 6-pack. Yes, that is (shamelessly) my new goal. And with that I leave you my fellow friends, family, bloggers, dreamers and poets.

Newest Haiku Series

2008-06-12T10:54:00.002+09:00

Can you guess what the theme is? Most of the people that read this will already know but whatevs.

quick as silver light
though not cold quite hot its air
hot like blacksmith steel

love, twin of the earth
life devoid the shade doth have
release your arrows

life of the party
the spring of activity
o, busy blue sphere

the flames of war rage
beat the drums that call "BATTLE"
tainted scarlet stone

gargantuan gale
the willow's wisp so crimson
restless maelstrom sky

setting moons all day
and despite the company
she is desolate

dangerous dancer
a clock-work bull's eye turning
child of newer days

seas frozen in time
secrets of the great dark storm
grandiose tempest

the smallest has gone
no longer one of our own
a new family

© 2008 Emilio Gandara

contrast

2008-06-06T20:49:00.001+09:00

I stood in utter darkness. Almost suffocated by the very density of the thick black shroud, I kept my eyes wide open. Then a distant glimmer with no warning and the breaking ocean of night crumbles as the shine washes over me, then through me and blinded by the light...

I sing a new song

scene of a morning treason

2008-06-05T12:47:00.000+09:00

More random right-before-bed poetry! This one's a tad morbid...

shivers the air
throbs once more the wave
weakening seal

keep a watchful eye
o, hawk circling
this dawn awakens

tearing ribbons
piercing sharply
the blade has found you

haunted day, hunted prey
rings the breaking chalice fallen
death has reaped no finer spoil

© 2008 Emilio Gándara

Free Thoughts

2008-05-26T21:46:00.000+09:00

Life is a complex mechanism. If one thinks of the human body, depending on how much head knowledge on the topic you may possess, you may name at the very least 2 or 3 intricate systems, all part of one single organism. All working in unison, all with a purpose. Yet, even within that marvelous complexity, living is a simple action. In many ways we choose to live, but at its core, we are alive subconsciously. In the same vein, there is a simple-complex analogy about the workings of our emotions. Some may argue that what we feel is no more than impulses within our brain, nothing but electricity running through connectors inside the gray matter. Be it that or not is outside of my authority to say, but I do know that emotions that carry names, such as anguish, love, happiness and the like, are as simple in their core as they are complex in their execution.

If we take the most popular, love, the average adult mind needn't go far to find a veritable library of memories upon which to draw conclusions with. Nevertheless, to take an unbiased view of love, while nigh impossible, may in fact reveal something unknown to even the eldest reading this. At the risk of sounding poetic, who can truly say that love is something that can fit inside a logical equation or that it is bigger than our imagination? Obviously these are rhetorical questions of quality, not quantity. What I may perhaps be getting to is that love may fit snugly within the confines of our understanding or reside squarely set on a shrine far beyond our reach at the other side of a limitless chasm. And even then, given the plurality of what people deem love to be: romance, sacrifice, determination, resolve, attraction, passion; a clear definition cannot possibly be given. Therein lies the complexity of this particular system. However, what I would like to clarify, if I may, is the simplicity of it.

Perhaps in a fit of naivete, or maybe a struggle with denial, I would almost blindly believe that there is a core facet of love from which all other complications arise. If only out of the natural pattern and order of things, perhaps, do I deduce that this exists at all. And yet, I insist that it does. It might not be the best approach but it may shed some light to strip away layers from the whole idea in search of an indivisible center. My first instinct is to remove romance although it may present me as some bitter commentator. Regardless, I would understand love to be far deeper than what most take romance to be. My short life has met me with little experience, but I'm an avid observer and have seen the many motions of others reacting to the motions of romance. I am convinced that love must be stronger, deeper, darker than something that brings two people together only to find them riven within half a month. Not to belittle romance, of course, truly a beautiful thing in its proper place and time, but truly, though romance may be part of love, love is truly a far cry from being nothing more than romance.

So then what is truly left? Ever since I was young I was taught that there were three kinds of love: agape, filial and eros. Eros being romantic love, filial being the love one feels for ones family and agape being the love we have for/from God. So would love then be trine and separate or a whole with three subsets? I would gamble to say it is a whole. Who's to say all three kinds of love cannot spring forth from the same essential source? Ultimately where does that leave us? After digging past the romantic layer, we can be met with either the filial or agape layers and honestly I don't believe it would be far fetched to consider love from God to go beyond what human love can conceive or offer. Truly the love of a mother towards her children surpasses the love of lovers on a merry day or the swelling heart of a father whose boy won the race weigh heavier than that of a woman being asked for her hand in marriage. Again these are situations begging for a quantitative measurement though never being conceded one and as such, my humble opinion is all I can muster to present. But I would like to believe that given a moderate amount of thought, many would agree with me.

Finally, can we say that there is nothing left but God's love? My perspective being that of the Christian faith, that along with my rearing and development, I know this would be a point of careful study and scrutiny and it very well ought to be. Regardless, this is the point to which I have gotten to: at its simplest, the very fount and source of love is none other than God. If one were to believe God's words then it is as simple as this: we love because He first loved us. Far be it from me to try to convince anybody of God's love for us or His sovereignty therein. And so, what does that truly say of love? Given the traits of God, we could say the love we have is limitless and powerful, among too many things to mention in this short analysis.

Conclusively, the simplicity of love lies in the overwhelming sense that it springs forth from our souls fed plainly from the everlasting source. Whether we love our brothers and sisters or lovers and friends or return as much of it as we may to whence it came, we can rest assured that if there is any complication in what we call love then it is simply the human element adding onto a pure essence. The clarity through which we can observe love comes at the price of the conscious disregard for ones own preconceived notions and learned reactions to what it truly is.

Some of that non-sense

2008-05-20T20:38:00.000+09:00

So last night I wrote another poem hehe. Seems like that's what happens nowadays: I'm about to go to sleep and tired yet a good line pops into my head and I can't let it go to waste so I make a whole darn poem from it. And here it is...

a separate life
so eagerly lived
misty eyed and mystified
a torn canvas full of white

a gift given bitterly
no drop of light for morning
blooming dreams
the shattered sunrise

a crashing voice
surpassing fates
opening deaf ears
and the sea of washing memories

© Emilio Gandara 2008

Disclaimer: It doesn't make any sense, I know, but it doesn't bother me because I enjoy form more than meaning at times and that's just how I felt last night. I don't care if it makes sense to anybody or if anyone tries to make sense of it, I just wanted to write something I could think was pretty. Oh, and I think I called it 'Separate Life'.

Hooray!

2008-05-20T20:28:00.000+09:00

I'll try to keep this short as it's during the morning and I don't have a lot of time to waste. In any case, here's how it goes. I was working out in the gym as usual "just workin on my fitness" when suddenly one of the trainers along with the lady that gives you the keys to the individual lockers (and whom I assume is in charge in the gym, to a degree) approach me. Basically, to be to the point, they asked me if I would agree to be Mr. June! Haha. I'm sure this requires some context so here's a quick explanation. In the gym, along the hallway where all the lockers are, there are a few bulletin boards along the walls. One of them is like an article about exercise or good dieting, another one is usually about how to have a healthier lifestyle (like what not to eat out and what are healthy options when eating out) and the one in between those two is the Member Spotlight. In the Member Spotlight, every month they select a member of the gym who apparently has a story to tell and they do a feature on that person.

Ever since I first saw that board, I think I secretly aimed to be in it some day. I'm more than honored that I would be asked! It's truly thanks to God! I wouldn't even be here without Him. I'm really excited but I think it's good to stop here. More details possibly coming...

Rubik's Fun

2008-05-11T22:16:00.000+09:00

Just sharing something cool: ^^

storm

2008-05-09T21:18:00.000+09:00

Hey y'all, here's a little gift (too bad only like 1 person ever visits this blog lol). This morning I opened photoshop and was noodling about and made this little number. I call it 'storm', or arashi, as the character so plainly reads XD.

Oh, it's 1024 x 768 btw, sorry if your resolution's not that...

2 things, real quick

2008-05-08T21:21:00.001+09:00

1: Last night right before I went to bed I felt like writing a new away message and this came out:

I surrender my mind
as I lay myself down
all the strength that I have
is worth nothing

I enter a world
that is bound by my soul
a limitless void
full of visions

so whatever may come
be it friend, foe or fiend
will be welcomed by me
though not wanting

and when the dawn glows
with a rousing mystique
I will leave those worlds
naught but forgotten

© 2008 Emilio Gandara

2: With my recent discovery that my name in Japanese should be エミリョ instead of エミリオ, I looked up new kanji for it and I think I've come up with two cool combinations:

会美侶 - meet beautiful companion
彗弥旅 - comet increasing travel

Which one do you like better? I like the fact that the first one has easier to know kanji but I like them both about the same anyway. I'll probably decide on my own but I have to make it to work today and so I can't stare at it too much for now. I'll probably come back tonight and choose.

Wow, just wow

2008-05-04T08:15:00.000+09:00

I got a surprise phone call today, as in, I had no idea who from New York was calling me. When I answer it I'm pleased to find out that it was Sensei calling me! And I'm like, yay sensei, and she's like, hey how are you and then I suddenly hear everybody singing Happy Birthday to me. It was a bunch of people from the advanced japanese class. Many of them friends I've been taking the classes with. As it turns out, I believe today was the day the Advanced Japanese 3 class does the play that is part of the curriculum and they were out eating after the performance. Well Sensei called me and had everybody sing and I'm just taken way way aback by the moment and soooo happy. I could barely believe it happened. After everybody sang I spoke a bit with Sensei and she asked me what I'd done today and whatnot. In any case, it was awesome and now I can't wait to go back and have some more fun in my japanese classes. Too bad most of my friends from class will be done this quarter but at least Corey will possibly be taking it with me... and he better *death threats* haha.

Point in case: Sensei rocks!!! XD

Colorful Haiku

2008-05-03T07:51:00.000+09:00

During my extensive Haiku practice, I've occasionally done a series of haiku around a theme. Here is one such theme:

Colors~

Look! A red herring
its scent meant to throw you off
but you followed me

an orange sunset
crimson and gold in the sky
warmth welcoming night

yellow light of hope
in the midst of night, a sun
dispels the darkness

no more am I green
the naiveté of youth
or envy of age

a spirit of blue
burning fire cool to the touch
proceed with caution

purple's majesty
a lake's watercolor dusk
mimicking the night

indigo glasses
paint my world a hue of new
midnight at midday

© Emilio Gandara 2008

Maybe some other time I'll post another series...

Identification

2008-05-02T09:07:00.000+09:00

So let's get the big news out of the way, I got my Ohio license. To those who talk to me on a regular basis you know I'd been sort of anxious (see: flippin out) about taking the written test. Well this morning I went (Jeremy was awesome and let me borrow his car to get there and back (which is much much better than taking a bus (and you may see why) ) ) and took the test and passed it! I suppose it's worth telling the story coz I enjoy writing it, supposedly!

Well here we go, this morning I set my alarm for 6:30 because Jeremy and I had agreed to pick me up at 7:30 so I would drop him off at work and then I'd be on my way to the BMV (normally the Department of Motor Vehicles, but Ohio has a Bureau instead). Well i got there before they opened because I found a closer place than the one I would've ended up going to (Thank God) and just waited outside playing with my Rubik's cube, that I got this week on a whim :). Well eventually the doors open and I go in and take the eye test first, which I did great at without my glasses. I took it without them because they told me if I took it with them they'd restrict me to only driving with my glasses, which I pretty much already do but just in case I'd rather not have restrictions on my license. After that I was told to sit at one of the stations to do the written test, which mind you is no longer written but digital and on a touch screen.

There were 40 questions and I needed to get at least 30 of them right to pass. It was a little bit nerve wracking but I tried to be careful and mindful and just kept praying as I'd been doing for days about this. I skipped some of the questions because I wasn't sure and it wasn't until the end that I discovered that this was actually a good strategy. The exam ended before I could go through all of the questions because I met the quota of correct answers. That's why it was a good idea to throw some questions to the end of the queue possibly saving myself from more mistakes. Nonetheless I passed and was given my slip to hand off next door where I would actually get my license. It was still very early so I didn't have to make a line here either. I would pretty much make it to work on time too if things kept going as smooth as they were. Well I finish up all the paperwork but right before I go to get my picture taken I have to pay and it's evident they only take cash or checks, neither of which I had on me (I did have some cash but not enough). So I had to leave and try and find an ATM. The person at the counter told me to go to the gas station down the road and I did but it wasn't working and so I got sent to the bank down the next road *sheesh* and lo and behold, it didn't open until 9, which is when I normally get into work. *sigh* but no matter - I thought, because I had already recovered an hour on tuesday in preparation. So I stay in line at the bank, yes, in line, outside the door. Another one of the instances where I feel like a minority because everybody else was black. But that's a different point for another day. Anyway, at 9 the doors open, I rush in to the ATM, get the money, rush out, and take my time on the road to get back to the licensing locale (because i don't want to ironically get in an accident trying to get a license). So I get there, pay and get my picture taken and shortly after my license is given to me shiny and brand spankin' new.

In other news, I was staring at my old license on wednesday pondering the 'out with the old, in with the new' motif of it all and noticed I had 188 lb as my weight. I couldn't help but smile as I realized I am currently more than 10 pounds lighter than I was when I was 16 years old. In other words, I'm pretty much in the best shape of my life! Nope, I really can't get off my crazy weight loss mindset haha. And all you worry warts out there don't worry, I won't lose 'too much'. I've already thought about it and have come up with a plan so chillax, I'm a big boy now ;).

I guess the biggest plus about the new ID, other than my old one being expired tomorrow and having a valid ID to be able to fly back home this summer, is the fact that I no longer have to go through awkward moments of getting carded at bars or otherwise. No more "what's this?" or "I can make this in my basement" as people look at my ID. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a sigh of relief *inhale*...*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

Old Poem

2008-04-27T11:02:00.000+09:00

I've been meaning to start writing poetry again. I used to write regularly in middle and high school but ever since college I've all but completely quit. Not out of wanting to, particularly, but out of simple lack of action. In other words, I just didn't do it. Well here's my first step towards trying. Incited by some friends, I'm going to publish one of my old poems here, completely unedited (though I was tempted to do so). Hopefully this'll be a step in the direction towards writing more. Perhaps I'll occasionally cherry-pick some of the haiku I write at work and put those up because those are as contemporary me as possible. So here we go, a poem called Time.

Time, the unstoppable giant
Has gotten in my way once again.
Every short breath, a tick
Every long step, a year
His eyes, so full of age
His arms, as heavy as gravity
His chest, heaving a rhythmic heart
A heart that beats a sunrise,
And pulsates change,
And bleeds with memory.

That giant is in my way again
And I try to go against him,
Knowing that a loss is a certainty.

So I unsheathe my weapon
A blade called haste
And I pull over me a cover
A shield called patience
And I run, swinging haste to and fro
Inciting at least a reaction,
If anything at all
From the oblivious giant.

Yet without knowing
Through the field of eternity
As time walks, ever so slowly,
Creeping like a sloth
I run through and into a field of thorns
One I had only heard called regret
So with patience,
I try to help feeling the sting of regret.

Something changes
I start mending my suit
And I use the thread: idleness
And with not a moment to spare,
Arms heavy, eyes old
Wings spread and open and ready
And Time takes flight.

© Emilio Gandara 2008 (is this really necessary?)

And so with that, I'll hopefully leave a floating note waiting to be played, constantly reminding myself that I want to play it.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!

2008-04-17T08:29:00.000+09:00

I have officially reached 180 pounds of weight today! I have reached my goal and the following is gonna sound like an awards speech haha. First of all I need to thank God. It's because of all of the machinations of His will that I'm even able to get out of bed and work and then work out, at the Sherwin Williams Gym, in Cleveland, OH, until November. See what I'm getting at? I wanna thank my Dad for being an awesome example and an inspiration. Dad has discipline of pure titanium and I'm glad I've finally learned a bit of it. I wanna thank the rest of my family for encouraging me and believing in me and very much so my friends for hearing me spaz out about every pound I lost and for getting excited with me about my progress and commitment.

So what now? Well, I'm gonna keep going, of course! Haha. I can't stop now! I'm probably going to keep losing weight if I keep doing what I'm doing. However, from this point on I can set new and different goals. I've finally reached the weight I targeted, which is the weight somebody with my proportions is approximately supposed to be in. One idea I have is, if I lose a good amount more I'll start working on building a little bit of muscle weight, or perhaps that'll just happen anyway. We'll see. In any case, I'm super excited and happy.

Is it me or...?

2008-04-06T22:20:00.001+09:00

Would you call it a vision if you're working on your own thing, thinking of nothing in particular or reading and out of seemingly nowhere you get struck with a very strong image that's even accompanied by emotions?

Gettin' close!

2008-04-03T08:13:00.000+09:00

Hey all, once more with the weight loss thing haha. Seems like that's about the only thing happening lately. But it's not! I have two fun stories to tell from yesterday, but before I do, I'll have you know I'm only 4 pounds away from my weight loss goal of 180lbs!

Well apart from the whole weight loss deal, tuesday was a pretty cool day. For a little while I'd been playing around with the idea of getting a hair cut and I thought the best place to get it pretty cheap was in the barber shop near where I live and tuesday was the best day because it closes at 6:30 and I'm usually in the gym until then cept T and F and on F I may go to the bar with some teammates and drink till 5 or 5:30 and, while that would give me time, there's no time like the present, as they say, and I'd already pumped myself up so I decided to go ahead and do it on Tuesday after work. Well I head to the place and the one barber dude is there just chillin'. So we set up, I sit down and he asks me what I wanna do. At that point I honestly hadn't come to a set conclusion on what I wanted to do yet. I definitely wanted a change but I couldn't come up with any particular hair style I wanted so I went with the trusty ol' buzz haha. The guy had a million and one stories to tell. A very spirited speaker, he told me all sorts of things about his life. Early on I told him I'm from Puerto Rico and that was the first time that day I was told I don't look puertorrican. No big deal, I do get that a lot haha. He has friends that are puertorrican (heritage at least) and so that's how he figured but anyway he kept telling me of his zany stories and how he loves to travel and of his trip to europe and not having enough cash and buying weed and all those interesting things people do. I shared with him my passion for Japanese and for my dream of traveling to Japan and he much encouraged me to definitely just do it because he really loves traveling. I little while later his dad (probably the owner of the place) comes in and we keep talking. His dad mentions that near where I live there's often some concerts in the summer and here's where the quote of the day comes from. Now, I warn you this will be far from verbatim but essentially he said "dad, wtf, concerts? when you're 21 all you care about is the sexy hoes at the clubs on 6th". And if I was the average guy he probably would've nailed it but I've only gone out clubbing once, and I went to get down on the dance floor, not to go sight seeing, haha.

After getting my hair cut I dropped by my apartment to change and pick up some clothes that I wanted to take to the dry cleaners coz I don't trust myself washing my nice shirts. The girl at the cleaners, I could pretty much tell she was latina but I still always went about my business not even bothering to try and speak any spanish or anything. This is only the second time I actually go there after all. This time, though, she asked me if I was hispanic, since my last name is pretty unusual and the way I pronounce it in spanish sorta gives me away. So that just opened the door for a big ol Q&A about where I was from and how long I'd been in the states and whatnot and she went on to scold me for not having spoken to her in spanish before, haha. She was mad that I hadn't recognized her latina-ness and told her I too was "boricua". "Me debes una" (you owe me one) she says as I'm ready to leave, for I must definitely talk to her in spanish next time haha. She seems like a cool person and it was a good time overall just talkin' PR spanish and being amused at her disbelief.

So all in all it really was a fun day. Actually, it's been a pretty fun week and tomorrow I'm going to the Winking Lizard for a Team Lunch. (yes, it's a tavern LOL)

Milestone #2

2008-03-13T09:28:00.000+09:00

This is more an announcement than a blog really. This monday when I weighed myself after my work out I was down to 190 pounds! Woot!!! I'm veeery excited. Now only 10 more pounds till I reach my goal. Of course, it's not like I'll stop working out after I reach it, but it'll be a great moment when I finally do :D. It's very rewarding working out and being careful what I eat. Probably more so intrinsically than extrinsically. That is to say, it feels good to be doing this at all and to stick to it and that likely more than getting in shape and becoming healthier. That's just me though. And so, that's that. Maybe next time some of you see me I'll look a bit different. :D

Falling Up

2008-03-08T08:11:00.001+09:00

So I have made a mistake. Probably not a grave one though so it's alright, but since I published it here, I may as well correct it here as well. It regards my new band I love: Falling Up. That's right, not Captiva. Captiva is, in fact, the name of their latest album. Also, that myspace page I linked to was not their actual space. They actually have thousands of friends/fans, yay! I found out because I got their album in the mail today (double yay!) and when I was importing it to my library I tried to look for the artist captiva and couldn't find any, and upon closer inspection (see: looking at the album and artist columns), I came across the knowledge that Captiva is the album and Falling Up is the band!!! Well regardless of such things, the CD is awesome, of course and I'll be freaking out about Falling Up instead of Captiva from now on. On a personal note, however, I think I would've liked it better the other way around, as in, with Captiva as their name and Falling Up as the album name. But of course, I'm not the band so I don't get to make these choices, and it's pretty inconsequential anyway :) I still really like the music they play. So that's it for this post, still waiting for YMCK's album, though until then I've got this guy.

OK, guess it's not over yet coz I wanna mention that today I didn't get to have my chocolate martini I was wanting :(. On the bright side though, the reason I didn't get it was because Sherwin Williams closed at 4 given the bad weather Cleveland is finding itself in. So that last hour of work will be payed for and I got to leave a half hour earlier than I had anticipated, woot! So here's the real end to this post, quick, before I think of anything else!

久しぶり

2008-03-01T11:28:00.000+09:00

(it's been a while) And boy has it been! My clamoring fans! I have neglected you so. Wait, where are you? Do I even have clamoring fans? Didn't think so. *hearty laugh* Well as you can see (read?), I'm in high spirits. Considering me, that's a relatively rare occurrence so take it in friend, take it in. Anyway, in regards to my previous post (which was [omg] 18 days ago!!!), I have indeed continued to lose weight. I've lost about 5 pounds since then! I'm now at 194 and I'm lovin' the progress. January was a tough month because I didn't feel like I made that much progress but lately it seems I've been going down pretty steadily and it's awesome.

So what can I say? I know, I can talk about Super Smash Bros Brawl again. *entire universe rolls eyes* Yeah, well you're reading it so you should've known it was coming! Well as of today there's 8 days that must come to pass before I can get my hands on that little handful of fun. Of course I'm counting the days! *another hearty laugh* And here's where my nerdiness starts to come out: I'm going to list the top 5 characters that I want to try out.

Lucario

Lucas (no relation to Lucario lulz)

Metaknight

Pokemon Trainer

Olimar and the Pikmin

But enough about my obsession with smash bros, let's talk serious business-- actually, let's not coz I'm in too good of a mood to ruin it. Instead let's talk about Captiva. I'm not surprised you haven't heard of them. Well guess what, if your musical tastes are anything like mine, and I know for several of you, there's a few similarities here and there, you will like them! I'm going to get their album, and if you've got 7 bucks to spare, so should you. Here's a few reasons why: they're awesome, they're chrisitan, their music is way cool and they're awesome . I heard their music today for the first time and I'm instantly hooked. That's how much I like 'em. So be a good little bunch of boys and girls and support this cool band. SO THERE!!!

I have been saying 'so there!' a lot lately, and for not much of a reason either, perhaps my old randomness kicking in (or did it ever leave??) Also, I'd rather keep it under wraps, but it's so embarrassing that I should just let you know- let the entire internet know: I'm saying boss instead of cool at times now. Is it 80's? Is it 90's? I don't care, coz right now, it's TaT's. Speaking of things that have changed/things I've learned or discovered, the å I often used in TaT actually gives it a pronunciation of toat (like toad but with a t) so I'm officially removing it from my nickname. It's cool having a little ring on my a but it's just not gonna happen anymore. Secondly, 波導 (hadou), using the kanji for 'wave' and '(to) guide', becomes a word that has some sort of lore rather than a set meaning. I'm sure it means something though but it would be difficult to explain. If Bleach (where shinigami (death gods) destroy baddo spiritsu) uses the same kanji then it would be interesting because it would mean it's not a series-particular word. That's my guess because I learned about it through smash bros (and oh, he mentioned it again, but don't worry, I'm not using the link to digress into it *yet another hearty laugh*). Whatever the case, in smash bros (sorry), they translate it as 'aura' but I think that's about as paraphrased as 'special move' is from 必殺ワザ　'certain death technique'(no, I'm not kidding.)

And with that I'll leave my loyal fans for a hopefully much shorter time (shame on me!). Seeeeee ya next time :D

First Milestone

2008-02-12T09:37:00.001+09:00

This won't be a long one (I hope). Basically, I just want to say that I finally reached the first milestone in my exercising. I have gone below 200 pounds!!! Ok so I'm at 199, but it's just gonna keep on going down. When I started I was at about 206 or so. So this marks the first step towards a healthier, more active (not to mention sexier) me! hahaha. And a funny story, I actually laughed out loud in the locker room because I thought I'd celebrate by eating some pizza. I later decided not to have any pizza because my laziness got the best of me again. One time where that's a good thing. So there you have it. 190, here we come.

tristeza ajena

2008-01-29T10:28:00.000+09:00

For those out there that read my blog but aren't familiar with the spanish language, the title means 'foreign sadness'. The reason I chose to say it in spanish is because, unlike in English, it carries the connotation that it belonged to somebody else, rather than it just being a sadness that is simply not mine. Now to the point.

Well I ran out of milk today so I thought I'd take a quick trip to the local grocery store, Constantino's, which I have developed a bit of dislike for, but it's not fully grounded and, in its defense, it is convenient, especially having it that close. Regardless, I went and got some cereal and soap, which was going to run out soon and went to the cashier to check out. An older woman, probably in her 40s looked as though she was wiping away tears from her eyes. Her voice broke as she said something I don't even remember. I could hardly stand to look at her, I was instantly grieved and wondered what had occurred. I wanted to say something, ask her what was wrong or try to offer some words of encouragement, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. All I could do was helplessly wait while she bagged my things, a pain, obviously wearing her down. I payed, distraught at my inadequacies. I didn't want to be there, I wanted her to be able to leave and heal her pains somehow, but she was tied to the spot. Her "have a good night" pained me all the more and as I replied "you too" I couldn't have been lying all the more. I knew her night couldn't be good, though I hoped for it truly.

Now, this is all my perception, as I don't know this person and even less, her circumstances, but I thought I would share the episode with you guys as it really impacted me. I hope she's alright.